Old Timer's Thread -- (over 40 only)

[Xerf]

Old Timers Only Thread

There are 3 rules for posting on this thread:

(1) Poster must be aged.

(2) No more than 6 lines due to falling asleep reading more than 6 lines.

(3) We forgot what number 3 rule was.

You may type slowly, however an automatic "bong" will sound if no typing is detected for more than 5 minutes.

USE LARGE LETTERS

Keep topics simple and without any unduly emotional stress: we are not liable for heart attacks or strokes.

Please refrain from repeating repeating repeating yourself as this is boring boring boring.

Please keep grandchildren out of the discourse, we don't have the time to hear all the cute stories.

OKAY --- POST AWAY YOU OLD CODGERS!!

[Xerf]

Some nice topics:


Have you ever found yourself in the middle of the stairway and suddenly can't remember if you were going UP or DOWN?

And

What kind of denture powder works best for you--have you ever shouted your teeth out?

and

Finding your way home without feeling lost.

[John Atkinson]

I am technically not over 40, I have two weeks to 41, can I still post here.

What was it I wanted to post anyways?

I hate when that happens.

[John Atkinson]

or how bout this one:

You can't tell you kid's any "Back when I was your age......" cliches because you don't remember when you were their age. And it wouldn't make a difference anyway because nothing that existed when you were their age exists anymore anyhow.

[Xerf]

Seems you are ahead of your time my friend, and most assuredly manifesting sufficent signs to be a member of this EXclusive thread.

Now wake up and post!

[Xerf]

And how about this:

Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

[Xerf]

We're over the hill but don't feel sad
This side of the hill ain't all that bad.
So give us "five" and then a smile
To us who have been here for awhile.

With by-pass pain and mended hip
And plumbing fixtures prone to drip;
We all may seem a sorry lot,
But we rejoice for what we've got.

We have each day and what it brings
And on our pensions live like kings.
For the press that accuses what we take
To coin a phrase, "Let them eat cake."

[John Atkinson]

Tis better to be over the hill than under it

[John Atkinson]

I haven't taken up Golf yet, maybe I am still safe.....

[Xerf]

Well perhaps but take this test to be sure:

You know you're getting older when...

Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.

Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.

Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.

You look forward to a dull evening.

Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.

You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.


Score please..........

[John Atkinson]

You forgot a question:
You go to more funerals than weddings....
(that one from my mommy :D)

[Sandy]

POEM FOR COMPUTER USERS OVER 40

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note.
A window was something you hated to clean,
And ram was the father of a goat or lamb.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend,
And gig was a job for the nights.
Now they all mean different things,
And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment;
A program was a TV show;
A cursor used profanity;
A keyboard was a piano.

Compress was something you did to the garbage,
Not something you did to a file.
And if you unzipped anything in public,
You'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire.
Hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived,
And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife;
Paste you did with glue.
A web was a spider's home,
And a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper,
And the memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash,
But when it happens they wish they were dead.

Author unknown-

[Xerf]

How to tell state by driver:


One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: Texas.

Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia.

And the easiest of all:

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida.

[nightwatchman]

Bro. Dave Long,your still a pup!!!!!

[foreverblessed]

LOL, At least he looks like a young pup. Hey Bro. Dave, I have two single sisters, 44 and 47. :D Are you lookin' ? They would both just kill me! :eek: :laugh:

[Xerf]

Post Police


Okay some people are using their high school graduation pictures as their avatar--from now on we need pictures with a CURRENT date imprinted on the face. Thus no more of this sly deception!

[mfblume]

I am not posting anything on this thread.

[mfblume]

Hear me? Nothing on this thread! :)

[foreverblessed]

:D Yea, we hear ya loud and clear Bro. Blume! :D

[ddc101]

Do old people often repeat themselves? repeat themselves?
repeat themselves?

[tufluv]

SANDY:

LU-U-U-V-V-D-D THAT POEM!! HILARIOUS..lol
:D :D :D :D

DAVE: That remark about "looking good" really hits the mark!
'bout the truest one yet! I think we all use that one, as well it having used on us! (not me, of course). :D (YET!)

XERF: Got some really good ones there! lol Your're so funny! Better watch out, you might just get people goin on that Holy Laughter! :eek:

BRO.BLUME: Sorry, those posts DO count! At least you don't have any grays yet from what I can tell from your picture (or was it touched up) Heheh! [only his hairdresser knows for sure!].

POST POLICE(aka Xerf): Mine is legit, only about 2 wks ago!

[Xerf]

ddc...would you repeat the question please?

[ddc101]

In this dress of wrinkles lies a little girl at heart...lv sis.c
Heres a funny joke.
Two old fellers in a nursing home sat out on the patio to shot the breeze.When all of a sudden a naked woman runs by .One leans over and whispers to the other other;
Did you see that woman run by? Yes, replies the other and boy she sure did have on a wrinkled jogging suit.
lv sis.c

i posted this on another thread but had to share it with all of you oldies to.Did you hear that Xerf?

[Xerf]

Amen, Brother Blume! well said! I always enjoy an indepth coverage of a topic and you have said it well! Many will no doubt quote your astute insight and rightfully so! Just remember folks you read here FIRST!

(that should be up in lights for all to read)

[Xerf]

I had my ear to the mointor--nothing!

However, I was able to read your somewhat wrinkled joke and I laffed -- and then tried to remember what a jogging suit was!
Coveralls--now that I can understand!

:)

[Xerf]

:nt:


NOTICE:(from a responsible party)

THIS THREAD IS PLACED HERE FOR RELIEF! AFTER YOU HAVE DISSECTED THE BOOK OF REVELATION AND DREDGED THE BOTTOM OF MANY THEOLOGICAL MYSTERIES AND PROVEN THAT "THE SON OF NUN--JOSHUA" REALLY DID HAVE A FATHER AFTER ALL..................

YOU CAN COME HERE AND BECOME HUMAN ONCE AGAIN (well as close as possible anyway)

IN OTHER WORDS THIS IS A THREAD TO MAINTAIN BALANCE!

SOME OF YOU ARE ENTIRELY TO SERIOUS-----(we smile at you)

ENJOY!!!!!!!!!!

:yeah:

[dllong]

Now wait a second. My Avatar is really me about 4 years ago. It is NOT my Grad. picture. If I posted that I would be banned. I had hair past my shoulder, a mustache and beads on my neck.
FLOWER POWER!

Dave

[tufluv]

'BOUT TIME!
I kinda figured that from all the silliness so far-FINALLY, someone read my mind (if not my posts!:D) lol
THANK YOU JESUS!!

[dllong]

As I get older I don't miss my dark hair, and my good looks. I don't miss my teeth, I don't miss my 20/20 vision, I don't miss my hearing, but Lord, I really miss my mind...

Dave

[Xerf]

What did you graduate from--Hippie U?

:)

(for those that are offended please go to :

IamOffendedVeryGreatlyTooBeSure.com

and fillout the 42 page report and return here for a full apology once the form is processed and verified.

Thank you)

:eek:

[Xerf]

I have only one question Dave, since you say your picture is 4 years old.........have the last 4 years been very tough?

(we have taken your photo and with the aid of computer technology have added 4 years ageing---not a pretty sight!)

[dllong]

(we have taken your photo and with the aid of computer technology have added 4 years ageing---not a pretty sight!) [/B][/QUOTE]

HAR HAR HAR!

So I look young for my age...so what! Eat your heart out. :)

Dave

[dllong]

One time during a family reunion, we were all sitting around the table talking about getting old. There was laughing and teasing galore. Grandpa (89 years old) sat quietly eating when the subject of Viagra came up. (no pun intended) As the discussion continued, a question was posed to dear old Gramps, "Grandpa, would you ever consider using Viagra?". Gramma blushed. Grandpa stated in a defiant tone, "...son, the only reason I would use Viagra at my age would be to keep from peeing on my shoes".

We all laughed ourselves to tears.

That is something I'll never forget...

Dave

[searching]

I think Xerf is chicken, he won't show his pic. At least you got guts Dave, but you have nothing to be ashamed of, at least four yrs. ago you didn't......hehe

I won't be posting mine here, as it would cause a meltdown at the GNC.

Me...

[Xerf]

Whata ya mean, "chicken?" That is my picture! (neat huh, and not bad for an OLD man)!

[foreverblessed]

ROFLOL, I am trying to stay quiet here in this library, I am having a very difficult time today, and I am getting very odd looks!! :)

Xerf, love your hair! That is your hair isn't it? Are you a natural blond?

[foreverblessed]

Dave, You do look young for your age, be thankful your blessed! :)

I have been told I look younger than my age too, but I don't know, that ex of mine has given me a few wild grey hairs, or maybe it was the kids? Nah probably the ex. ;)

[dllong]

Thank you darlin' for that sweet compliment.

Wild grey hairs?

OUI!

I'm growing hair in places I never knew I could grow hair!

:D

How could any man give a lovely woman like you grey hair?

Dave

[Sandy]

Hahahahahaha Youse guys are funny.

Dave, I have a neice in Montana that has never been married before that will be 47 in June. The only problem is, you sound about as interested as she does.

[Xerf]

Ok pilgrim what ya think of my avatar now, pilgrim?????

I seem to have the urge to ride a horse and shoot someone--strang huh?

[foreverblessed]

Sandy maybe it has something to do with the age? My sisters seem to be content single. I know that they might like to be married? I don't know? They confuse me, not ugly either.
Now me? I hate being single, and I have only been single officially for 3 months. :D

Dave, your too sweet, thanks for the compliment dear sir. Believe me the grey hairs that stand up and wave at me every so often, the ones I give a good swift yank to, were brought on by stress, had to be it! :D

[foreverblessed]

Oh My Xerf, you are a handsome man, have I seen you before?

[Xerf]

Could be, ever been to TEXAS?

[dllong]

Nice save xerf....BUAHHAAHAHAHAHA

[dllong]

Sandy,

Married?!?!?!?!?! Been there, done that, moved on! Got three hanesome sons to my credit!

Love in Jesus,

Dave

[foreverblessed]

Xerf, Now what is someone going to think when they read this thread and see that I said your pic is handsome? They're gonna think I went LOCO... If they haven't already.....:D

[Xerf]

What are you talking about??????????? What picture/.......?????

You feeling ok?????????

Lie your head on your keybroad and THINK.......".Where am I?"

Take a deep breath and relax.............

[John Atkinson]

Did I miss the Xerf pic? how could that happen. bummer

[Xerf]

shhhhhhhhhhh? Bro John.........the girl is having a bad photo day! Humor her...ok

[foreverblessed]

Xerf, I am TRYING to keep it under control here!! LOL, I have got to leave the library, my kids would probably like to be fed dinner! Oh my God, my side hurts from laughing so hard!!! :D

[Xerf]

Go feed your kids...just keep repeating to yourself..."I am not losing it...I am not losing it"

carefully leave the library before tthey throw the book at ya

[foreverblessed]

I'm leaving, I'm leaving...............

[Sandy]

Well, there goes my plans for Cathy huh? That is what I get for trying to be a matchmaker.

Have to go for a while too, but just had to come in here and see what was happening first.

[dllong]

Sandy:

Never been married and she is 47? Is she Apostolic? Would she relocate? How many fingers and toes does she have?



Ummmmmmmmmmm...is she cute? (ducking)

Dave

[foreverblessed]

Well, I don't know about Cathy, but my 44 year old sister has never been married, she would relocate, as long as you have a Merril Lynch office there, and hmmm she is pretty normal... she looks sorta like me, but she is a lot thinner, and hmmm.... she is really smart, lots smarter than I am.... :D And I think she is cute, and she makes really good money, repeat after me, I LIKE MONEY!! :) She would kill me if she knew I was writing this. :D

She would hang me up by my toenails!!

Not saying anything about my 47 year old sister, she says she doesn't want to marry, so she says.... yea right!

[dllong]

Does she have anything against dating a Gnome?

Hehehe

[dllong]

But is she Apostolic?

Dave

[dllong]

Money isn't a problem for me. :)

I make plenty myself....even though 30% is cut for child support.

:)

[foreverblessed]

Gnome?? :confused: :cry: I will show her the Cafe and your pic.

[foreverblessed]

Yes she is Apostolic, she is my sister ya know!! raised the same as I was... and the last I knew, she made in the six digits. To me that is good money.

[Xerf]

What is this ? The Apostolic Match Maker thread? This thread is for those that are way past match making and are only interested in a match to light the burner on the stove to warm a hot water bottle!

:)

[Xerf]

6 digits............................................ ................I'll marry her!

[foreverblessed]

She is a licensed broker with Merril, the broker that she assists, is retireing, and is in the process of turning clients over to her. He has already moved to Flordia, she handles everything here in Indiana. Just a barely into the six digits, but I personally would just be glad to be there. :)

[foreverblessed]

opps sorry Xerf... when did you come back????, sorry Dave, we have to look out for Post Patrol. :)

[dllong]

Florida!!!

I used to live in Florida and dream of going back...!!!!!!

6-digits?

Drat, only 5 digits here!

What's love got to do with it?

Hehehhe

Dave

[foreverblessed]

Everything Dave! Everything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

[Xerf]

Oh Great he makes spam and she is a broker, I can see it now...the stock in spam will skyrocket!

I'll be back as soon as I go buy some more stock!

[foreverblessed]

You are too funny Xerf! I really have enjoyed my evening of laughter with ya'll.

[dllong]

Xerf my Brother,

Spam has been around alot longer than you. :)

I have not....

No insider trading from me... :)


Dave

[Xerf]

Some spam I have eaten musta came here on the Mayflower!

I always paint the side of the can so I don't read the ingredients and the discription of the choice pieces that make up spam.

Why do they call it that anyway??


:)

[dllong]

Now hear this!

Spam is made of Pork Shoulder and (regular ham)!!!!

There is nothing in Spam that you haven't already eaten when you eat Ham.

I KNOW!!

Dave

[foreverblessed]

I agree spam is nasty!! :down:

[dllong]

SPAM= Shoulder Pork And haM

S.P.A.M.

[foreverblessed]

I don't care what it is made of, it is nasty!! :)

[dllong]

Ever had a Spam burger?
Ever replaced a B.L.T. with fried Spam?

Try it, you'll love it!


Dave

[John Atkinson]

http://spam.com/

Q: In what year will Hormel Foods produce the six-billionth can of SPAM?
A: 2002


Q: How many times would five billion cans of SPAM, placed end to end, circle the globe?
A: 12.5 times


Q: How many cans of SPAM can be stored in Hormel Foods' Austin, Minnesota, plant?
A: 20,736,000 cans


Q: How many cans of SPAM are produced by Hormel Foods' Austin, Minnesota, plant per minute?
A: 435 cans


Q: Who came up with the name SPAM?
A: While attending a New Year's Eve party thrown by Jay Hormel in 1936, Kenneth Daigneau won $100 for suggesting the now-famous name.


Q: The SPAM luncheon meat trademark is registered in how many countries?
A: 111 countries


Q: In what year was the Official SPAM Fan Club launched?
A: 1998


Q: In what year did the SPAMBURGER hamburger first appear on a can of SPAM luncheon meat?
A: 1991


Q: In what year did Austin, Minnesota, officially become known as SPAMTOWN, USA?
A: 1995


Q: The Austin, Minnesota, plant is one of only two U.S. locations where SPAM luncheon meat is produced. Where is the other plant?
A: Fremont, Nebraska


Q: Name the Soviet leader who credited SPAM for saving his army during WWII?
A: Nikita Khrushchev


Q: What is the name of the Official SPAM Fan Club newsletter?
A: A Slice of SPAM

Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam! Spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam. Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Spam spam spam spam!

Spam Song http://www.internet-tips.net/Sounds/spam-song.wav

[foreverblessed]

Too many fat calories for me, I am on a DIET Dave!! Trying real hard ya know..

Gotta go pick up my kids from kids church.... Goodnight all! :)

[dllong]

John,

Cute...


Dave (:D)

[Xerf]

Bro. John you are such a ham!

and a wealth of info..........spam or otherwise

[dllong]

Hormel makes ALOT more than Spam(r).

Here in Beloit Wisconsin, we make all the Hormel Chili, Chi-Chi's Salsa(kosher of course), all the Kid's Kitchen Cups and all the Mary Kitchen Corned Beef Hash and Roast Beef in the world!

Dave
:)

[Xerf]

Spam saved the Russians!!

AMAZING!! (filing that item away to be used on some poor unsupecting soul)

[John Atkinson]

Love the Mary Kitchen stuff, esp with ketchup :)

GO HORMEL!

[Xerf]

The last cow I spoke with said to stay far away from Beloit Wisconsin if you know what's good for you....they go in but they never come out!

[dllong]

Xerf:

Muhahahahahahha!

John:

Indeed, and with eggs and pepper it makes a memorable breakfast!

Dave

[dllong]

In Beloit, Wisconsin, we have the largest Chili can in the world!

Many who driveby I-90 comment on it.

Dave

[Adoniyah]

An elderly couple and a young couple were having dinner one night.

While the gentlemen retired to the den, the laides went to the kitchen.

The elderly gentleman recommended a nice resturant that he and his wife had been frequenting.

"What is the name of it," enquired the young man?

Unable to remember the name, the elderly man asked the young man, "What is the name of those red flowers that have thorns on the stems?"

The young man answered, "Are you talking about the rose?"

The elderly man said, "Yes, that's the one."

Turning to toward the kitchen he yelled out, "Hey Rose, what was the name of that resturant we ate at?

[John Atkinson]

We had a chili cook off at IMS, the place I worked for 10 years before the Apostolic.Net gig. Some joker actually entered a chili that was just several cans of hormel with some tobasco dumped in. He lost:

Here is MY WINNING RECIPE:

Copy-Paste from the ol' cafe:

I only LIVE in Connecticut, I am FROM Texas. Chili. Yup CHili. This partuclar one has won 1st Place in an annual Chili Cookoff at my place of prior employment, and is fully compliant with the rules and regulations of CASI (Chili Appreciation Society) Which state:

1. CHILI COOKED FROM SCRATCH - "Scratch" is defined as starting with raw meat. No marinating is allowed. Commercial chili powder is permissible, but complete commercial chili mixes ("just add meat" mixes that contain premeasured spices) are NOT permitted.

2. NO FILLERS IN CHILI - Beans, macaroni, rice, hominy, or other similar ingredients are not permitted.

If it has beans in it, it isn't chili, it is chili flavored beans, no flex on this point. So here it is:

Warning! Anyone who makes this indeminifies Bro John Atkinson, and Apostolic Network Ministries from any damages forthwith which may result from eating and/or making the concotion listed below.

Atkinson's Chili (No cutsey names required)

Ingredients:
2 lbs Course Ground Hamburger
2 lbs Stew Meat (cut into bite-szed pieces)
6 - 8 Fresh Habenero Peppers, remove the seeds - chop, wear gloves when chopping.
1 6oz can Chipotle Peppers in adobo sauce - chopped
6 - 8 Big Fresh Jalapenos - seeded, chopped
1 tbsp dried piquin chilies, crushed
3 Onions - Chopped
2 good size garlic bulbs, smashed w/garlic press
1 Green Bell Pepper, Chopped
1 Red Bell Pepper, Chopped
1-1/2 cups Ground Ancho (prime ingredient of chili powder
2 heaping tbsp ground cayenne pepper
2 heaping tbsp ground cumin
3 cans of beef broth
3 tbsp worchestershire sauce
Bottle of Smoked Barbeque Sauce
1 cup brown sugar
2 hershey bars
Jar of B&G Sundried Tomatoes
Juice of two lemons
Olive Oil

This recipe feeds an army, feed it to an enemy army and you may win a war, anyway,

Chop up all the fresh vegetables, peppers, onions etc and put them in a big bowl. Handle the habaneros with caution, they bite.

Begin browning the meat, I do one pound at a time and drain it and dump it into a big pot. When the meat is all done I put it over a medium flame and dump in the beef broth, dry spices and worchestershire sauce, barbeque sauce and chipotles in adobo and give it a mix, if too thick add a little water. Don not put the brown sugar in yet, or the hershey bars, they are last.

While the pot is bubbling merrily away, heat the olive oil in a large skillet. Add the garlic and give a few swirls. Then add the onions and peppers and the whole jar of sundried tomatoes. Don't breathe the vapour coming off the sauteing habaneros, it is caustic. At this point I generally shake in some of the same spices I used in the chili as well as some black pepper. When they vegetables are about 3/4 of the way done add the lemon juice, stir it and dump the whole shootin match into the bubbling pot of meat and spices. If needed, add water.

Stir it and simmer it awhile, don't cook down the vegetables. As a final touch throw in the brown sugar and the hershey bars, stir the melting chocolate into it.

The result is a smoky-sweet-chili flavor with a heat that grows and expands from the back of your throat until your whole mouth is on fire.

Serve with cornbread. Ensure someone who knows CPR is in the room.

When I make this, I wonder why I am the only one in the family who eats it. I have found is just the thing up here in these yankee winters.

Oh yeah, i get my spices cheap in bulk at www.penzeys.com

[dllong]

As of 2002, we now make Hormel Chili with Tabasco.

Grin

Dave

[John Atkinson]

Wonder if I should mirror this over in the "Death In The Pot" thread?

HMMmmmmmmmm....

[dllong]

I like your receipe John!

Thanks!

Dave

[John Atkinson]

Dave, I know, it is great on hot dogs :D

[dllong]

Originally posted by John Atkinson
Dave, I know, it is great on hot dogs :D


Cool!

I have never tried that!

Thanks!

Dave

[searching]

I am just now catching up on all this talk just in the past four hours, and I saw about the match-making going on. I know someone (not mentioning names, but you know how you are) that could be the Brady Bunch-without the gay dad. One has three boys, one has three girls......and both are single! Hehe, don't kill me, ok?

Me...

P.S. Why do some people love Spam to eat, but hate spam in their email?

[tufluv]

Hershey bars? in chili? and I thought I'd heard of just about every chili recipe ever concocted...well, learn somethin every day!
[sounds really, really, hot!] I bet it takes some "growing" on ya!
Or it might just "grow" hair on hairless chests? :D

[Xerf]

That chili recipe is top secret because it sounds like a weapon of mass destruction! Look at all the different kinds of peppers that goes into that concoction!!

This is what they dropped on Saddam's headquarters right? Left a 6 foot crater in the ground!

Sorry I ever called you a yank! You are truly a Texan..........

[John Atkinson]

Heh Heh Heh Heh

I am still wondering how it won with all them yankees eating it, lots of red faces and runny noses and teary eyes.

The sign of a good bowl of the red is that when you get to the bottom of the bowl, you're real glad to be there :D

[John Atkinson]

The hershey bars add a subtle texture and taste change that in no wise resembles chocolate. You have to try it, it cannot be explained...

[Goodshepherd]

haha...............tufluv, xerf and Bro. John, you are too funny!!

Sorry for posting........ I am not over 40, but I could not help myself.... This was too funny (LOL)

[ddc101]

Dave....shame shame...working for a company that sells abominable pork...hehehe and then goes on to mention that their salsa is kosher......I'll bet Dave makes Johns chili and puts it on a spam dog.......lv sis.c

[Sandy]

Have to get to bed, but just had to post this one first before retiring.

A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a
young man walks by and asks him what's wrong.
Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm just so in love with my twenty-five-year-old wife."

"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.

Between the sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You can't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, she cooks me breakfast and kisses me and tells me she loves me ... at lunchtime she comes home and embraces me warmly, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she
gets a break, she rushes home with ice cream, the best an old man could
want. And then after a gourmet supper, she gives me a warm bath, and cuddles up with me all night." He breaks down, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm around him. "Oh, I think I see - I bet you just found out she's with you for your money?"
"No," the old man answers through his sobbing and tears,

"I forgot where I live."

[searching]

Here's another one:

Three men, one 60, one 70, and one 80 are talking among themselves when the 60 year old says, "You know, it stinks to be 60. I have had so many problems urinating and I just can't stand it." The 70 year old says, "You think you have problems! I have constant problems with my bowels. Either I am constipated for days at a time, or it's diarrhea, and I just can't stand it." The 80 year old says, "That's nothing. It's really stinks to be 80." The 60 year old says, "OH, you have problems urinating too?" "No," the 80 year old man says, I urinate just fine about 6am every morning. "Oh, you must have problems with your bowels then," says the 70 year old man. "No, I don't have problems there either. I usually go about 6:30 every morning there, just like clockwork." "Well," the 60 year old man says, "if you don't have problems urinating, and you don't have problems with your bowels, then what exactly is your problem?" The 80 year old man says.......

"I don't wake up until 7am!!"

Me...

[tufluv]

SANDY: Too hilarious! Loved it! lol
SEARCHING: :eek: :eek: funny, but the imagery grossed me out!:D
Hey, we'd better watch it, we ain't too far off, and it won't be funny then! [what goes around comes around?]
I personally would be very glad and grateful to LIVE to be older!:bow:
youngsters? LIKE US!] :D:

[ddc101]

Those are some really funny jokes....sis.c

[Xerf]

Speaking of "old," my computer is so old that the "escape key" is a string tied to the wall plug! And the "delete" key is a bottle of whiteout to use on the screen!

NOW that's old!

[foreverblessed]

Thats old Xerf! :)

I am ignoring you searching! :)

[Xerf]

I just noticed that searching appears to have gone to the dogs!

:)

[foreverblessed]

:D

[Xerf]

Speechless (or in this case [which is usually mixed case] typeless) huh? To bad they don't make emotocons for whole paragraphs then we could merely place 16 emotocons and have a book!

*:)*

[tufluv]

I think thats what court reporters do! I almost got into that, but decided on paralegalism.
I HAVE used nothing but these smilies at times, pictures are sometimes worth a thousand words! so they say..:cool:
and they save a lot of stress on my hands typing!

SEARCHING: BOW-WOW! HOW ARE YOU!? WOOF, you say?
ME TOO. :D :D

[foreverblessed]

speechless I am, just be glad you can't see my red face! :o

Your right tufluv sometimes they can say a thousand words!

[Xerf]

Is that not your face on the left?

Don't quote me on this but " :) " and farther more, " :D " and like wise, " :eek: " !

That is the equivalent of 42 chapters of long hand.

[foreverblessed]

:realmad: I agree! :goof:

[Xerf]

It will take me a while to dicipher all that you have written, I will print all of this out (a ream might do) and get back to you later, much later. I only hope my printer cart is new !

[foreverblessed]

Yea, that first one is a pretty complex!

[tufluv]

But, really cute, he's my favorite one of them all!
See, he's right here by me!:realmad:
Ready to assist! :D: this one too! I think they're all related, maybe alter ego's of one and the same :eek:

[foreverblessed]

Tufluv, He :realmad: is my favorite too, although I don't get the opportunity to use him much! :)

Second is followed by :goof: , because that describes me the best! :p:

[Xerf]

Okay ENOUGH of this Emoticon loving! Sounds like a room full of new mothers telling about thier newborn! ENOUGH is ENOUGH!

IT is only a little circle with eyes! Time to talk about IMPORTANT and VITAL things...............

Now let's see where did I put that list of vital and important things?

<o> <0>

[foreverblessed]

Xerf, Shaadup! We can't help we're women! We just have that maternal thing going on.

Forgetting again today Huh? You must really be aging!

[bishop1]

:bow:
In honor of Sis. Lucie, our resident 80 yr old spinster, we had her stand in our Sunday morning service and told her she could select three hymns for the morning service.

Sis Lucie stood, proudly facing the congregation and pointed to three strapling young men sitting in the first two rows. She pointed and loudly stated, "I'll take Him...Him...and Him !"
:D

[Truthseeker]

There were 4 preachers sitting at a table by themsleves. They begun to share their faults with each other.

1st: My problem is playing the lottery. I even preach against but I can't resist.

2nd: I don't got a problem with the lottery, but I do drink beer sometimes even though I preach against it.

3rd: I don't got a problem with lottery or beer but I do cheat a little on my taxes. I know it's wrong but the building fund needs some help.

4th: Well, I got don't a problem with lottery, beer or cheating on my taxes, but I do have a problem I just cant' shake. I love to gossip and BOY I CANT" WAIT TO LEAVE HERE!!!!:D :yeah: :laugh:

[bishop1]

I've read with interest some of the posts, and I've now decided that it is time that I put my picture on each of my posts.

Can anybody show me how to download a tin type ?

[Truthseeker]

oh No not your picture. :)

[bishop1]

A preacher from Texas drove his car clear to Oklahoma to purchase a Bull. After the purchase he found that they would not deliver the Bull all the way to Texas and he thought he would send a telegram to his wife asking her to bring his truck to Oklahoma. They charged $1.00 per word and would not take a check or credit card. When checking his wallet to his dismay he found he only had $1.00 left.

He thought and thought and then sent one word...
(comfortable)
The telegraph operator questioned, "Are you sure you want to send only this word?"

"Yes," replied the preacher, "You see, my wife is from Louisiana, and she talks really, really slo...w.
She'll understand."

COM - FOR - TA - BLE

(come - for - the - Bull)

[bishop1]

A small barbershop in town is owned by a local Baptist preacher and the other day the Pentecostal Pastor decided to go down to the barbershop for a shave. When he arrived he found the barbershop quite busy and stated, "I just need a shave, so I'll come back later." Bro. Bob, the Baptist preacher then said "Wait a minute, go sit in the last chair, and I'll just have my wife shave you."

The Pentecostal Pastor was uncomfortable about this woman shaving him, but badly needing a shave finally agreed. When she finished shaving him, she applied aftershave and sweetly said, "$25 dollars please !" Not to cause a scene, the Pentecostal Pastor grudgingly forked over $25 dollars and thought to himself, what a rip-off, I'll never come in here again.

The next morning, he looked in the mirror and saw that no shave was needed. This happened morning after morning for almost three weeks. The Pentecostal Pastor got condemned for being so angry at the Baptist preacher's wife for the $25 dollar charge. He decided he would go to the babershop and apologize for his anger.

"Bro. Bob, the other day when your wife charged me $25 dollars for that shave, I was a little angry and thought she overcharged me, but I haven't needed a shave since and I don't understand why."
"Pastor," he said, "You See, You Were SHAVED BY GRACE and We Baptist Believe, ONCE SHAVED, ALWAYS SHAVED !" :bow: :angel: :D

[tufluv]

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
dats funy!

[ddc101]

The difference between growing old and alzheimers is
Age causes you to forget where you put your glasses
Alzheimers causes to forget you had any glasses at all.

[Xerf]

I am going to start a new thread:

Is Old People Bashing RIght?


haha............... :)

[Xerf]

Saddam's doctor called a meeting of all the Saddam look-alikes.

"Men, I've got some good news and I've got some bad news! The good news is: Saddam is still alive.

The bad news is that he lost an arm."

[tufluv]

XERF:
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[Xerf]

Ok............let's start an "Old ___________ never die they just ___________." list

For example:

Old trees never die they just pine away.


I will start:

Old preachers never die they just exhort away.

:)

[Xerf]

Old evangelist never die, they just get put out to pastor...

[ApostolicLady]

Xerf!!
We must have alot of those little Florida ladies visiting here in Southern Illinois LOL..I always manage to get behind them and someone else tying up both lanes on the Interstate..

John Atkinson..We must be very close in age ..Ill be 41 on the 27th of April

[Xerf]

Old smart-alecks never die they just creep away!

[tufluv]

Old frogs never die, they just CROAK! :D

[Xerf]

Old Janitors never die, they are just swept away!

[Xerf]

Old CATS never die, they just psssssssssssssst away!

[dllong]

You guys got WaaaaaaaaaY to much time on your hands.

:D

[Xerf]

Old Dave never dies, has been around long!

[foreverblessed]

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[nightwatchman]

Old fishermen never die, they just smell like it.

[Xerf]

I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

But.....Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!

[searching]

Old Floridians never grow old because they can't count. HEHE

Me...

[Xerf]

That was a no count remark, I hold you accountable and I count the moments until you count it wise to repent!

[searching]

You hold me?? Wonder what my hubby would say if he knew that?

Me...

[Xerf]

From here >:beammeup:<To there!


Hard to hit a moving target!

[searching]

You haven't seen your target!

Me...

[tufluv]

"I SEE", said the blind man to his deaf wife, on the telephone!

SEARCHING: you are so right, you know, my husband's favorite phrase IS: "YES, DEAR"...HAHAH! we've had that as a running joke for years!
Of COURSE, thats "arfarf" in ya'lls language (is that you and hubby's pic?) hehe! :jk: [HIT IT: "and they call it puppylove " (dogs howling in the background!)] Only those REALLY over 40 will remember THAT song!

Handsome couple, don't ya'll think? :D :D
P.S. (luv ya sis!)

[bishop1]

DO YOU HAVE TO 'PENT'
BEFORE YOU REPENT ?

[foreverblessed]

quote from Xerf:
I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But.....Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!

Hey, Look on the bright side.......you still have your hair too! :D

[Xerf]

Hair...........as hair in plural..........not singular.............hair!

[foreverblessed]

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[dllong]

Grandpa and granddaugher were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered. A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?"
"Yes, He did," the older man answered. For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."

[dllong]

Three slightly deaf old ladies walking down the road:
"Windy today."
"No it's Thursday."
"You better come in for a cup of tea then."

[dllong]

The reception area of the doctor's office was filled to capacity, but the doctor was working at his usual snail's pace.
After waiting two hours, an old man slowly stood up and headed for the door.

When everyone stopped talking to look at him, he announced, I guess I'll just go home and die a natural death.

[dllong]

MY FAVORTIE ONE OF ALL!!

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though.
This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said "Oh, am I driving?"

[Norman]

We went to a shopping center on the north side of Dallas today (actually I think it was Plano) and when I came out I couldn't find my car. I had totally forgotten where I parked. Well it was unfamiliar territory. But one day recently I left the house headed for the post office, intending to go from there to the bank, but after I left the post office I found myself turning into the parking lot at the grocery store, then realized that wasn't where I wanted to go. So I guess -
what was it we were talking about?

[tufluv]

NORMAN:

Oh thats normal for a lot of people, me especially, good thing is we can always turn back or go back, to whereever we were supposed to go, or do that later!
As for the car parked, thats a regular thing for me, its that we have so much on our minds, its a wonder we can drive at all!
I do hate when that happens, makes me scared or that I'm going crazy at times! or feel stupid! We just need to SLOW down, and concentrate 100percent on the task at hand. :D

Have you ever caught yourself daydreaming while driving, or how you got somewhere having had your mind elsewhere? thank GOD he is able to keep us alive! HE is the navigator of navigators!

[Xerf]

I once lost my car in the parking lot of a store, had to wait til the store closed and everyone went home, then I took the only vehicle that was left on the lot, then after I got home another car was in my driveway.....I had walked to the store! Oh well I needed a second car anyway!

Then there was the time..........................

[tufluv]

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
You are so silly!

[Norman]

I usually walk to a store that is just around the corner from my house, but sometimes I stop there on my way from somewhere else, then forget that I drove and walk home . . .
more than once.

[Xerf]

Yeah, its like the guy whose memory was so bad he kept forgetting his name, the only place he felt comfortable at was the AA, and he didn't even drink!

:)

[tufluv]

Hey, whadda ya mean? AA people are the ones who get up and say "my name is so&so, I am an ------" etc. (yes, I should know), so why say this, or did I misunderstand? Hmmm....
Speaking of memory...oh drats, forgot what I was gonna say :mad:

[Xerf]

Alcoholics Anonymous?? In our neck-of-the-woods AA stands for Aged Anonymous. People go there and they get up and say, "Hello does anyone know who I am, I am a.........I am a..........I am a........I.....am........a..........zzzzzzzzzzzzzz zz"

:) :confused: :o

[tufluv]

Well since I rarely make it out to the "woods" I did misunderstand, but thats funny!! Yikes, thats one 12step program where you only gotta get to step1:remember your name!
Heheh!

[Xerf]

There was an old man called Keith
Who mislaid his pair of false teeth -
Laid them on a chair,
Forgot they were there,
Sat down and was bitten underneath.

[tufluv]

:laugh: :laugh: Poor Keith (is that your real name, XERF?)!

For me, instead of "teeth" its usually my reading glasses!
:D

[Xerf]

There was a gal named tufluv
Who mislaid her glasses
Laid them on a chair
Forgot they were there,
Sat down and was sighted underneath!


:)


Keith? Not me...............(Kent maybe)

[tufluv]

Yeah, I've heard say I've got eyes in the back of my head, but elsewhere! Yikes!
Kent, as in Clark Kent! Ah-hah, your true identity is beginning to come "into focus" :D :D

[Xerf]

I'll be back presently, I have to do my locomotive jumping and do some racing with tall buildings. (These tights are killing me! of course I'm mild mannered about it all.)

later!


:)

[tufluv]

Okay, supperman! :D (no I did NOT misspell that!) :shrug:

[Xerf]

Very amusing............"supperman"..............(I make a mental note to go post on the rage thread).

However, it has been well stated that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. If that is true then it must be quite a trip!

:)

[bishop1]

There was a young man who had a knack
of jumping off clifts in a sack
He jumped off one day
in his usual way
HIS WIDOW LOOKS CHARMING IN BLACK

[tufluv]

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[bishop1]

An elderly preacher needed new false teeth so the deacons got together and ordered a new set from the catalog.
Finally they arrived and just in time for the sunday services.

The pastor surely enjoyed his new teeth and he preached and preached and preached. His 20 minute sermons were now becoming 2 hour endurance tests.

After four weeks of this the deacons retrived the teeth snd sent them back with a letter explaining the return.

5 days later they recieved a package marked 'special overnite delivery required' Enclosed was a Brand New Set Of Teeth !
with the following notation on the packing slip.

"A SET OF WOMENS TEETH WERE SENT IN ERROR"
Please accept our sincere apology
NO CHARGE

[Sandy]

ROFL even though I am a woman

I mail funny stories, as well as serious articles to people I have met over the years, and I just had to send that one out, even thugh I am a woman.

My husband loved it.

[tufluv]

Hilarious-good one! :D ROFL

[bishop1]

* The year was 1994
** It was on a Sunday Night
*** It happened during an Apostolic Church Service

The offering march was completed and the special songs were over. Now it is time for The Evening Sermon. . . . . . . .
The Conregation stood in respect for The Reading Of The WORD. The text in Romans was stated and repeated. The sermon foundation was being meticulously laid out -

- WHEN an elderly brother raised his arm and stood.

He began to wave his arm getting my attention.

I stopped, thinking that he may be in need of immediate prayer,
and just looked at him questionly.

Bishop, he said',
" When Rebekah was riding that camel in the desert,
Was it a One Hump Camel
or was it a Two Hump Camel"?

I answered , "Brother , just what does that have to do with our text in the book of Romans"?

His answer;
" Nothing ,
but that camel's been on my mind for over three weeks now
and I heard that it had to be a two hump camel
because a two hump camel would keep her from back slidding !"

[Jerry Moon]

As long as you know that you have a memory problem, your all right....

[Webmaster]

Well I am not over 40, but staring it dead in the eye. Jerry Moon, Ol' Revelationist, it is good to have you back in the cafe!

[Adoniyah]

A young man confessed that he had gotten two black eyes in church.

"How is it possible for someone to get two black eyes in church," someone inquired?

"Easy," said he. "A large woman in front of me stood to testify. When she she stood up, her dress became enfolded in her very generous back side. I assumed that she did not want her dress caught in the rear part of her anatomy, so I reached forward from where I was sitting and pulled it out.

When I did that, without turning around she got me in the right eye with her elbow."

"Well, how did your left eye become backened,:" asked another?

The poor man said, "Well, I figured that I had made a mistake and so, after thinking about what I should do, I started pushing it back in. That is when she hit me with her other elbow, giving me a black eye on the left side."

[tufluv]

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
I've heard it before, but long ago, its just too-oo funny! :D

[bishop1]

:angel:
A Nu York City evangelist was holding a revival for a Southern Country Preacher and wux amazed by life in the country. The next morning he was enthralled at the cattle
He said "Oh Look at that Bunch Of Cows"
"Not Bunch . . .HERD" replied the Country Pastor -
"Heard What ?" asked the Evangelist -
"Herd Of Cows" replied the Pastor -
"Sure I've Heard Of Cows" said the Evangelist -
"No, A Cow Herd" replied the Pastor -
"Why Shoud I Care What A Cow Heard? I've got no secrets to keep from a cow" said the Evangelist -
"Lets Go To The Church So You Can Prepare For Tonites Sermon,Cause I Feel That We All Are Agonna Nead Help Tonite !"
- replied eht Country Preacher.
:beammeup: :D :cool:

[committed]

I used to have a photographic memory......
Somewhere though, I ran out of film

:)

[bishop1]

You Might Be An Ole Apostolic

IF - - - - - - - -
you can remember Brush Arbor Services -
IF - - - - - - - - -
you helped build the brush arbors
IF - - - - - - - - - - -- -
you attended a revival
preached by
- Hutto and McKeithen -
- Welsh and Gamlin -
- R.L.Hancock -
- Teenage McCool Twins -
- Dad Hemphill -
- A.O.Holmes -
- H.A.Goss -
- C.Williams -
- Bro.Duplessis -
- W. and M. Stairs -
- R.Cook -
- M.Golder -
- M.Webb -
- C.Kilgore -
and Odel Cagle


:beammeup: :bow: :beammeup: :bow:

[BroRutledge]

When I grow up I hope I will have the knowledge and wisdom of all these great old timers on this thread. :D

[Xerf]

AND you might really be an old apostolic if you planted the brush that grew up to be the brush for the brush arbor.

And if you either helped pray thru or preached the message that all those listed above got saved from.

And if you were bringing poundings before it ever gots its name--you just called it 'taking the preacher sumptin to et'

:)

[tufluv]

Poundings?

[ddc101]

Boy the sad thing is that I remember more than a few of those names.Has it been that long?????
A friend told me that he was so old that when he blew his nose dirt came out!!!!!sis.c

[Xerf]

??????????? What is a "pounding" ?????????????????

For all you that are young and with a lot of gray matter still dormant..........

Poundings were when the members of a church during a revival would bring the evangelist and his family grocery items. This was done because usually the offerings were not large and to help the cause members would bring eatable items to church to give to the preacher to see that they had sufficent food during their stay.


Poundings got its name: Cause people bring a pound of this, a pound of that.


NOW YOU KNOW!!

:)

[bishop1]

POUNDINGS;
chickens with their legs tied together
fryer size
put in the Preachers car !
Fruit and vegetables in mason jars !
Fresh meat at hog killin time !
Fresh eggs after every service !
Last check of the water bucket before going home
{somebody put a jug of fresh milk to keep cool}

[tufluv]

OHhhhhh-hhh!!! Well, gosh, you learn something new every day.
I guess then that's what we were doing with our family out of town, (poor) back when I was little (ancient history!) and we'd go over there almost every holiday, and we'd always take canned goods; gifts given to them were in some form of badly needed items, such as towels, clothes, etc., and more FOOD!
Back in the days before FoodStamps, family depended on family.
I am only 1st gen. Apostolic, so-o, I'd never of heard anything remotely similar, to this term.
Thanx for the explanation, o'Serious one! :D

[tufluv]

Bishop1:
Are you talking fresh., still 'squawking' chickens? :eek:
Yikes!

[Xerf]

There were not alive for long............another chicken was about to enter the ministry!!

ANd how about those black-eyed peas (left overs) with whiskers!!

Great stuff!! :rolleyes:


:)

[bishop1]

Before electricity
no refrigeration
They would bring live chickens with the legs tied together {so they couldn't run away}. Every afternoon I would kill a fresh chicken for the Evangelist's supper.

[Xerf]

Bishop1--------the ORIGINAL COL. SANDERS!!

(course he was just a private back then)


:rolleyes:

[tufluv]

ANd how about those black-eyed peas (left overs) with whiskers!!
Huh??????
You're starting to 'freak me out' XERF! Whiskers? :eek:
I'm almost afraid to ask!

Are you THAT old, XERF-aha! one more clue, folks!
(actually there's been several I haven't mentioned) :laugh:
He-e-y, Bishop1 ! also !! Hmmm....starting to see more of a connection, here :idea:
[psst!! don't worry , your secret's safe with me!] :ninja:

[Xerf]

I am NOT that old!! ............. I just sleep with a history book under my pillow!!!!

:)

[tufluv]

Bishop1--------the ORIGINAL COL. SANDERS!!
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: ROFL
"...JUST a Private, then!" :laugh: lol

[Xerf]

That's right.............he is!!

Col. Sanders secret recipe was revealed by Bishop1:

Kill it
Pluck it
Fry it
Sell it

so says bishop1..........and WHO am I to doubt it?????????

:rolleyes:

[bishop1]

Lets see now - - -
I was about nine years old - when -
My Grand Mother told everyone that I was the inventor of colored sheets.
Let me explain;
We did not have electricity on the farm and we had raised chickens to frying size, we would kill them, dress them, and take them into town to the locker/freezer plant for storage. Uncle Pege took grandmother to town with the first 50 chickens.

David {age 11} and I {age 9} were left unsupervised to kill 25 pullets each. He could take a chicken by the head, put his thumb in a neck joint, two wrings and it's head would pop off. He could pluck the feathers off really fast also. I could wring a chicken's neck for 30 minutes and it would run away with a broken neck. {Man - It's hard to have an uncle only 2 years older than you.}

I looked and saw that David had killed and plucked 8 chickens and I was still working on my first -------
THEN I HAD A BRAIN STORM !
I would take some heavy twine, tie the chicken's legs to the clothes line, take a butcher knife and cut off their heads.
My 25 chickens were tied to the clothes line, their heads all whacked off. They didn't even get dirty a flopping on the dirt
BUT
My grandmother had just washed all of the white sheets and they were hanging on the next line.

What a mess for a 9 year old to face,
BUT -
I could Quickly solve it. I quickly drawed water from the well, filled up the wash kettle, built a fire under it, AND PUT ALL OF THE BLOODSPLATTERED SHEETS INTO THE BOILING WATER !

I went back to my chickens and skinned them. Next I took out the sheets and hung them on the next clothes line !

Nothing much was said and after supper they put all my clothes in a bag, took me out to U.S.Hwy # 45. flagged down the Greyhound Bus, and sent me home.

During the 40's, 50's, and 60's we all slept on original stylish colored sheets when we visited my grandparents !

[tufluv]

Wow, life sure was more fun back then, huh?
More interesting, living life on the 'edge' [of a blade?]
I know it was common place back then on farms to do that, guess you grow used to it after a while.
As for the sheets, what? they turned out pink? not red, right?
Didn't your grandma get mad? Is that why they sent you home right away?
Oooh, you were ba-a-d! Did you ever get good at it, though?
{chicken murder}?
I love tales of the olden times. I used to try to get anyone I could to talk to me about them times, its true-life renditons of the past, long gone, like the stories I heard from one ole gal, about glass milk bottles left on the porch (I still vaguely remember that), etc.

Well, think I'll go hit the hay and dream about time travel!!!
Maybe! but to me, these stories of other people's memories ARE like timetravel'ing., in my mind., I am a curious type.

[Adoniyah]

Bishop, you said:

You Might Be An Ole Apostolic

IF - - - - - - - -
you can remember Brush Arbor Services -
IF - - - - - - - - -
you helped build the brush arbors
IF - - - - - - - - - - -- -
you attended a revival
preached by
- Hutto and McKeithen -
- Welsh and Gamlin -
- R.L.Hancock -
- Teenage McCool Twins -
- Dad Hemphill -
- A.O.Holmes -
- H.A.Goss -
- C.Williams -
- Bro.Duplessis -
- W. and M. Stairs -
- R.Cook -
- M.Golder -
- M.Webb -
- C.Kilgore -
and Odel Cagle

Do I qualify?

I can't remeber building a brush arbor, but I do remember attending a few. I even helped pump up the gas lanterns.

I attended quite a few of Howard Hutto and Mckeithen meetings. That dude (Hutto) was so crazy. He would make you laugh your head off with his funny talk and then cry your eyeballs out.

I got the Holy Ghost when brother Gamblin was holding a tent revival in 1947. I knew D.L. Welch quite well. I attended some of his more famous debates. He denied to me the "skinnin' the skunk" remark that he is famous for having said.

I did not personally know the McCool twins. I knew quite a few of their relatives.

My Dad got the Holy Ghost in a cottage prayer meeting conducted by Joel's father, Dad Hemphill, Dec. 5th 1933. I knew brother Hemphill very well.

My Dad pastored A.O. Holmes in Mississippi before he moved to Little Rock.

I met brother H.A. Goss in 1961.

Brother Williams, a missionary to Brazil and president of the Bible School in Tulsa was a great man of faith and a great inspiration to many of us. I regret the tragedy that followed by envious brethern.

Some of the others I did not know. I knew brother Golder, became a fried to Smallwood Williams, loved to hear S.C. Johnson preach and sing, "One Way to God." I still have some of his tapes and singing.

I met brother Stairs before he left the UPC and moved to Canada to start another Organization.

C.P. Kilgore was my Pastor's Dad. Though I never met him, "I will meet him over yonder where the happy millions dwell. I will meet him over yonder, where we'll never say fairwell."

Many great names that you left out, whom I was privledge to know quite well. The least of whom I hold dear in my memory is:

Harvey Shearer brother to Prophetess Anna Schrader and father to Huss Shearer.

A.D. Urshan, whose memory is most precious, whom I long to see in a land where rust does not corrupt, the flower never fades, frost does not bite, and leaves of the tree is for the healing of the nations.

Dear precious S.L. Wise, family friend who also ordained my father to the ministry in 1935.

I could go on and on, but my eyes fill with tears as I remeber these blessed stalwards of love and truth whose very shadow radiated holiness and purity.

[tufluv]

Wow, by your pic, you don't look old enough to have know so-o many people that long ago!

I'm almost envious, of people that talk about having been apostolic 'saints' like say 40-50+ years!
I almost 'cry' :cry: thinking of all the wasted years I could've been growing in the LORD!! And all those good fire&brimstone preachers I missed out on! RATS!

ALL you lucky ones, GOD BLESS!!

[searching]

Anyone old enough to remember Urban Vanderhoff? Especially if you lived in the Wisconsin/Missouri/Illinois/Indiana areas back in the 40's.

Me...

[Adoniyah]

Thanks Tufluv, for the compliment.

Though the pic was taken only a year and a half ago, I am almost 63. I have been a 'postolic since 1940 on the day that I first discovered America in a little place called Gum Point, Louisisana...in a church parsonage, no less...in the middle of a hurricane (no names in those days) with water rising up under my mother's bed.

When the flood water went down, there was a little snake in the house, a little alligator on the porch and me in the bed. Dad got rid of the little alligator, killed the little snake and left me in the bed. He often wondered if he didn't get the three of us mixed up.

About 20 years ago, I viisted that little community near Rayne, La. for the first time since my birth. There was one old man still alive that rememered the hurricane and my birth. There was one old house left standing with the high water mark from the flood still on it, after all those years.

[tufluv]

Wow! Amazing how some people live MORE in their years, than some.
Preachers definitely have the edge over the laity! They GO!
where GOD sends! Lucky!
You do wear it well, my brother! GOD gets the glory!
You said you discovered 'America'? Are you not from here?
More questions, I know, I know, answer when & if you have time, no hurry, I myself have a busy day all laid out for me, and have not yet gotten to it!! Im so bad sometimes..:D
That was cute, about the alligator, and other critters, what do you expect from Louisiana, land of swamps!
Sis Cooper can relate!

[Adoniyah]

Tufluv, you asked:

"You said you discovered 'America'? Are you not from here?"

My response:

ROFLOL:

You are a barrel of laughs.

The truth is, when I discovered America, that was the day that I was born.

No, actually, America was already discovered. I can't claim that distinction. I am not QUITE that old. hahhaha

[tufluv]

ADONIYAH:
Though the pic was taken only a year and a half ago, I am almost 63. I have been a 'postolic since 1940 on the day that I first discovered America in a little place called Gum Point, Louisisana...in a church

I swear I'm not crazy, brother! I took it from this quote, did I misinterpret it or what?
I really am quite naive sometimes, I did not mean it as a "joke" but evidently, it was taken as such, GEE, am I that gifted I don't even have to try? :laugh: :laugh: Am I really so 'young' that I don't get some of them "oldfangled" terms? lol

XERF: Are you taking notes?

[Xerf]

NOTES????????? I'm writting a book!!!!!

:rolleyes:

[Xerf]

Besides I have been pondering WHY Adonijah's picture is in color and not sepia tone? Musta took it one of them newfangled photo lab places to have it colorized............and I think he was once a mime..........he is doing the "looking thru a glass door" routine!!

:rolleyes:

[Xerf]

Speaking of mimes, there was one that once lived next door to me........I got a blank cassette tape and put it in the player and turned the volume all the way up..........it drove the poor guy insane!

:rolleyes:

[nightwatchman]

XERF,you owe me a new keyboard!!

(spewing coke everywhere)



ROLTFLMHF:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[foreverblessed]

nightwatchman,
He has almost gotten me kicked out of this library too many times to count!! I get some really hateful looks, and even someone stood up and said to me "THIS IS STILL A LIBRARY YOU KNOW!" :)

I really try hard to be quiet, but he is tooo funny! He is a riot!

[ddc101]

Bishop,
Did they put you on the bus for the sheet incident or did you have to leave anyway?
Bro.Strange,
My husband is a product of the ministry of Bro.D.L Welch and Bro.George Glass Senior.Bro.Glass preached a really long revival in Pensacola one year and even my dad in law went to the altar.
lv sis.c

[Adoniyah]

Xerf:

I am beginning to think that you are one of my neighbors. He is crazy too. :) The pic? No, it is just a plain old 35mm snapshot with plain old color film.

A brother came with his camera to take pictures that night, but few of them turned out well enough to print.

Tufluv:

You had asked me where I came from in connection with my statement that I had discovered America in 1940. That was when I was born. I guess I could have answered that "I am from above,...I came down from the father." I might should have said, "If ye had known me you should have known my father also," but that would not have gone over too good...hahahha.

Anyway... It struck me funny.

Sister Cooper:

If your husband is a product of D.L. Welch and Brother Geo L. Glass, Sr., then, your husband is WELL BORN. I could not think of two greater men that ever filled shoe leather than those two.

Brother Geo L. Glass baptized me. He was the master of all preachers. Never have I heard such preaching, yet he was so simple. He was known far and wide as the Master Preacher. He reminded me of Glenn and Worthy Rowe's father, Bishop Rowe from South Bend, Indiana. He was also a Master Pulpiter.

[tufluv]

ADONIYAH:Anyway... It struck me funny.

OKie, dokie! I'm glad anytime I can make someone laugh, or smile, or something good! Even inadvertenly, like I said, I am a bit 'dingy' sometimes, just more proof I'm only human, and not ms.perfect, halleluyah! I'm not too proud to admit it! and to even laugh at myself :laugh: :laugh: (slapping self on head)
ouch! I don't know my own power! gotta quit peeking in on them 3Stooges re-runs my husband so loves to watch, I think he must be related to one of them! "Soytenly!"... :laugh: He does really good impressions of them.

XERF: Once again, you've outdone yourself! :laugh: I myself am
ROFL

[Xerf]

Okay how about some of you old timers listing a few sermon titles of yesterday like:

"Seven ducks in a muddy river" (by ???) about Namaan of course

"The little red devil behind the pearly white gates" (by ???) about the dangers of the tongue (pearly white gates=teeth)

etc

"

[bishop1]

xERF;
check out page two for some
krazy sermon titles that I have used.

http://www.acts238holinessorhell.com

ddc101;
The water was boiling, the sheets set colors as pink/red/res spots/pink blends/ and all type designs.
I was susposed to stay all summer but as they put me on the bus they told me that they still loved me.
After they cooled down, my mother put me on a bus and sent me back.

Adoniyah;
H.Hutto with his accordian and R.McKeithen with that Jumbo Gibson. Bro. M. said that he went by to see H.H. and that he had a big grand piano in his 12' wide trailer.
I can still hear H.H. taking up an offering in the tent and him describing his po little mother apicking cotton with hwe bony little arthritic fingers and them ableeding Just To Help Keep Him On The Evangelistic Field and people would give their last dollar !
He Was A Master.

[Xerf]

Yep, Bishop1 you certaintly did have some crazy sermons on that site and a few really silly titles, like : 'Bobbed Hair & Bossy Wives'
BUT

C.W. Shew used to preach something similar called: "Bobbed hair, gut tight dresses, cutie curls and bossy women."

Ya'll must be kin??

:rolleyes:

[Adoniyah]

C.W. Shew?

Looks like you've been around awhile.

He was really strict holiness, but look how the church finally turned out after the boy got it.

[Xerf]

How did it turn out?

[Adoniyah]

They finally repudiated all holiness standards...went loosie goosie. After awile the church fell completely apart. It no longer exist. At one time it was a very strong, progressive church with a very good attendance.

[foreverblessed]

But you have to wonder, where was their relationship with God, when they went loosie goosie?
Where did it go to? People that have true relationships with the Lord, don't fall completely apart, or shouldn't, if they were grounded upon more than strict holiness standards in the first place. JMO

[bishop1]

:D :D
Lets see now - - -

- - - the year wuz '66 when - -

We were in services with Bro.Jordan and decided to promote Sunday School. Our Topic was "FISHERS OF MEN". Everybody in attendance on sunday would recieve a gold fish. If they brought 1 visitor they would get 2 more fish, The second visitor would get them 3 more fish, the third visitor would get them an additional 4 more fish !


I made contact with a Florida Tropical Fish Farm and had them ship 3,000 gold fish via air-freight to this old Apostolic Preacher -% the Church, The fish were scheduled to arrive saturday afternoon.

* MEANWHILE,{unbeknowesth to me} In Yipsilanti, Michigan -- >

Bishop M.M.Hudson had signed a mortgage contract to purchase a larger church and he was concerned about the huge financial responsibility he was taking. He couldnt sleep all friday night long, just rolling and tossing and worrying about thousands of dollars.

The fish company forgot the name of the church in Jackson {Christian Temple}. They knew that I was Apostolic and the nearest Apostolic Church to Jackson was in Yipsilanti, so they shipped 3,000 fish there. The air-freight co.called Bro.Hudson and he came and picked up the fish.

Sunday Morning came and we had no fish. It didn'nt seem to bother Bro.Jordan, He said "you have a problem, Now Fix Your Problem" I sent Bro.Eastman to a store to purchase a pack of xtra large index carda, a fish stencil, and 4 cans of GOLD SPRAY PAINT. We sprayed gold fish on the cards with the following message;
Bring Me Back Next Sunday,
There'll Be More Of Me,
AND WE'LL BE ALIVE !

Not knowing of what had happened to our fish, I re-ordered the fish to be shipped out on friday and they finaly got the correct address. Bro.Eastman had 2 sisters that attended Bishop Hudson's church and they visited the revival on thursday nite. After the close of the service they began to tell of Bishop Hudson's weekend.

It seemed that he was sitting at home worrying himself sick about where he was going to get thousands of dollars when some idiot played a practicle joke on him by shipping him thousands of gold fish pre-paid. He couldn't wait to find out who did it because PAY BACKS ARE GREAT !

He instantly quit worrying about where he was going to get thousands of dollars and began to worry about what he was going to do with thousands of gold fish. He had fish bags in the bath tubs, in every sink, including the garage and basement, and the grandkids had broken the disposal by over cramning it with GOLD FISH. How the sisters laughed as they told us of the delimna.

I looked at Bro.Eastman and we both said at the same time "We've Found Our Gold Fish ! {only 6 out of 3,000 fish made it out of Yipsilanti alive}

{somehow I never got invited back to Yipsilanti to preach again}
:beammeup: :beammeup: :bow: :bow:

[Adoniyah]

Bishop:

Well, that was not too bad...at least you are honest about being persona-non-grata.

There are a couple of places that I am persona-non-grata but I am not yet old enough to not be embarassed to tell about it. Things do happen sometime that are not under your control. What can you do? You take the blame anyway.

Oh well...better than 50 percent love me. What can I say? hahaha. :)

[foreverblessed]

Bro. Strange,
How can anyone not love you and your kind and sweet spirit. Surely there isn't anywhere you wouldn't be wanted? :)

I very rarely see you ruffled around here, just a great source of strength and wisdom to many of us.

Now Bishop1, I can just see him tangling and getting himself into all kinds of scrapes with people! :D I can just imagine he could keep us entertained for days with his escapades. He must live life just slightly on the edge.

[Adoniyah]

Foreverblessed:

Thanks for your as usual sweet words.

However, my wife might disagree with you sometimes. LOL If there is anything wrong with us, there is no one that can find it as quickly as a spouse, you know. :) She says that I am perfect...most of the time anyway. Thank God for a good wife that knows how to keep me humble. :) hahaha

But now Bishop1 is another case. What kind of case, I do not know.

If that dude would have come to a church that I pastored and would have shot my dog between the eyes, as he did to Terry Denny's dog. I would have to think about to handle all of that without declaring him persona-non-gratta.

What I would probably do would be hold his offering until the end of the week. Then I would count the offering and start the deductions. First, I would deduct $500.00 for the dog. Then I would have to deduct 200.00 for pain and emotional distress for having lost my dog. Now since I have six children, I am sure that they would have suffered as much as I would have. I would deduct $200.00 X 6 = $1,200.00. So, $500.00 plus $200.00 plus $1,200.00 = $1,900.00.

So, if the offering for that week came in at $1,500.00, I would deduct the $1,900.00 from the $1,500.00 and give him a bill for $400.00.

That way he would be welcome to come back. I would schedule another meeting with him for next year as I present to him no money but a four hundred dunn. hahahaha.

There are ways to handle things without having a falling out. :) Now, he might need a little dab of money to get on down the road to the next meeting, but hey, I wouldn't mind pulling out a note and having him to sign it to be collected during the next meeting. I wouldn't leave the old boy completely stranded without gas to get out of the church parking lot. hehehehe :)

Bet he wouldn't think about showing anybody how to shoot a .22 caliber anything the next time he came. hahahaha.

Well, anyway I got a good laugh about him shooting that Krazie Terry Denny's dog. Actually, it was that nut Terry that needed to be shot. :) Talk about raising a "retarded child."

[Xerf]

Bishop1 does not live near the edge..........he dove over ages ago!!

:rolleyes:

[Xerf]

An account told about Bishop1"

"What's wrong, sonny?" asked the old timer sympathetically, coming over to the little kid who was sitting on the curb, crying his heart out.
"I'm crying 'cause I can't do what the big boys do!" So the old man sat down and wept too.


:rolleyes:

[bishop1]

Adoniyah;
In my travels I have been known to call on preachers when I am near their home towns. {no matter what time it is} When they answer their phones way late in the night, I usually identify myself and tell them that I feel impressed to stop and preach for them for a few weeks at about $1000/$1500per week.

You'd be surprised at the ones that feel like giving me an offering
just to keep on going!

[bishop1]

xERF;

Let me quote a bealtitude unto thee:

Blessed Is He
- That Tooteth His Own Horn
For If He Doth Not Toot It -
- - - Shall It Ever Be Tooted ?

[Xerf]

Thanks toots........I shoulda known you would try to horn your way in on this thread. And while we are delivering beattitudes, best you remember:

Blessed are the mercurial, for they shall flow away.


:rolleyes:

[O2blikehim]

Good nite! There is nuthin but old people in this room!

It's creepy!

I'M OUT'A HERE!

[tufluv]

Bishop1:
Just noticed your new "title" ?? Hmm...I don't know about that!
That word potentate gives sounds akin to something notsogood-why did you give yourself this title? ...please explain, [inquiring minds want to know] or is this part of your new 'tooting your own horn' philosophy? :D

Also, O2B: We don't need you snotty-nosed brats comin in here tellin us old folks that we're old - we see it every day!!! :laugh:
(mirror mirror on the wall, I'm only 6, after all!)
Actually, I'm a new creation, if its all the same TO YOU!!:beammeup:

[bishop1]

xERF;

another BE altitude comes to mind:

Blessed art they
- that runneth around in circles
For they SHALL be known
- - as wheels !

xErf Runneth
around in a BIG CIRCLE.

THEREFORE
_ Shall He Be Called
_--' A Big Wheel ' ?

[tufluv]

XERF, the Big Wheel...hmm... that sounds 'catchy' :D
which is what he'll be anyway, if his bio-movie is ever completed.
:laugh:
The XERF MOBILE! There you go! I think we have a winner!
:idea:We (fanclub) will have miniatures made, put into cereal boxes, and make millions$$$$$ Heheheheheheh!!
The list of possibilites is endless!! MORE, I tell ya, MORE!!!

[bishop1]

tufluv;

I thought that I was downloading an avatar
but got the title and no picture

[tufluv]

:laugh: :laugh: Bishop, you're riot#2!!

[bishop1]

searching;
The late Elder Urban Vanderhoff - Sterling, Ill. - Dowagac, Mi. also his son.
Bro. White AKron, Oh. Bro.Stiela, Cleveland, Oh. The Late Bishop V.Traschel, Akron, Oh. Bishop Victor Traschell, Rochester Hills, Mi.


Adoniyah;
I got to spend some time in '86 with Bro. Milton Stairs {Wynn Stairs' brother} in Fredrickton, New Brunswick, Canada.
He was relating of the Holy Ghost outpouring in California, Kansas, Texas, Arkansas, Ohio, Mass, and New Brunswick in the early 1900's all about the same time.
How they started preaching from Fredrickton and traveled by boat estasblishing churches even over into Maine and down to Boston.
In my highschool graduation class were 5 of Bishop G.B.Rowe's grandchildren.


Oh Yes
The Brush Arbor Days - -

Back in the '40s My dad was preaching a brush arbor revival in Mississippi. At every altar service a sister would always kneel at the end of the altar with her hands raised and rock back and forth while saying "I See Jesus, I See Jesus".
One night I climbed up on the top of the arbor and removed the brush directly over her head so I could clearly see her. I accidently droped a brushey twig on the top of her head and just then she looked up with a look of horror.
She began to yell and point at me "I Do See Him, I Do See Him, I Really Do See Him"!

For about a week after that nite I was Still Sleeping Carefully 'On My Stomach Only"
:cool: :D :cool: :beammeup: :bow:

[Xerf]

OK THAT DOES IT!! OK YOU WIN!! I'M OUTTA HERE!!

:rolleyes:

[bishop1]

xERF has acknowledged defeat !

I IS

AND REMAIM


The GNC SUPREME POTENTATER !

[tufluv]

You mean "POTENTATOE" :laugh:

[bishop1]

When I was a youngun
and on the farm

We HAD

MA-TERS,

TA-TERS,

and LASSES !

and then I went
north
and got
EIDUMAKATED !


NOW We Have

{2} - MATERS

- {4} - TATERS

and MO - LASSES


Ain't GOD Good !!

:D :D :confused: :beammeup: :bow: :bow:

[Xerf]

bHISHOP1 when you were a youngan you no doubt helped the Indians plant corn.......


:rolleyes:

[bishop1]

xERF;

When xERF saw his first banana he thought that it was pretty yellow but they told him it was good . So he tried one and his reply was as follows;

" It tasted real good

BUT

at 25 cents a pound

there is absolutely

TOO MUCH COB

to throw away !"

[Xerf]

Well at least we knew better than to believe that armadillo was rabbit on the half-shell unlike the bISHOP1 clan!



:rolleyes:

[tufluv]

XERF, sure you didn't get bit by that same wabbit, you seem a bit 'rabid'!! :laugh: :laugh: you're a riotous cad!!! :laugh:
rofl

[Xerf]

Like the guy who got bit by a dog....... they rushed him to the hospital and in the emergency room he kept requesting a pencil and tablet ... the doc tried to reassure him ../ no need to write a will, you will be fine! ... The guy says ... this is no will, this is a list of people I plan to bite IF I have rabies!

bISHOP1 GUESS where your name is #ed!


:rolleyes:

[bishop1]

'WOOF'

[Xerf]

One good thing about being as old as bISHOP1 is that he has no peer pressure.



:rolleyes: