What would you do if you were Sister M.?

[Apostolic Kitty]

Sister M. has been a christian for roughly 4 years. She has a child who was born out of a relationship from before she was born again. The child's father has never been in the picture, though he was told about the child during Sister M's pregnancy. The child is now almost 5 years old and Sister M. knows her little one will begin asking questions about her absent father anytime soon. What should Sister M. do?

[Abigail4476]

Sister M. has been a christian for roughly 4 years. She has a child who was born out of a relationship from before she was born again. The child's father has never been in the picture, though he was told about the child during Sister M's pregnancy. The child is now almost 5 years old and Sister M. knows her little one will begin asking questions about her absent father anytime soon. What should Sister M. do?Tell the truth. That the child has a father who went away. And just in case the father comes back someday, nothing horrible should be said about the father unless the father is/was abusive and the child needs to be protected.

If the child asks if Sister M. if she and her father were married (I'm assuming that she was not, correct me if I'm wrong), then the answer should be something along the lines of, "No, and mommies and daddies aren't supposed to have children without being married, but I'm so glad that I have you because you are a reminder that God is a good God who blesses us even when we make mistakes--you are my blessing from God."

Something like that. The child needs to understand that it isn't appropriate for daddies and mommies to be unmarried, but she also doesn't need to be led to believe the she is a mistake.

I do not believe it is beneficial for things like this to be hidden from a child.

If the child wants to know why the daddy left, or if he loves her or her mommy, say something like, "Yes, but he doesn't know how to show it very well. Maybe someday he will learn how to show us that he loves us. Let's pray for him, and maybe God can teach him what he needs to know."


note: Part of the opinions contained in this post were made possible by the common sense and hardnosed logic of Dr. Laura Schlessinger :)

[Renee]

Let me tell you a little about my experience as a child. The man who got my mom pregnant ran off as well. He knew about me, but was told to never step foot in our neighborhood again or he would get killed by my uncles. If we were at a store or something and he was spotted, I was hid. I remember crawling in the floor of a car one time because he was walking by the car. I never ever seen him. I to this day do not know what he looks like. When I got older, I had no desire to see or meet him. I talked to his mother about 5 years ago on the phone. I found out some things about him, but he was dead by then. I was told that he exsisted all my life, but I had no desire to meet him because of what he did to my mom. I forgot to say that he lied and said he was divorced, but was still married.

My advice would be for Sis. M. is to tell her daughter that she has a father, but don't fill the child's head with aweful thoughts of him. If the child wants to try to get in contact with him later in life, nobody should stand in their way. Unless there is a need for protection, like Abigail said, then tell the child about him and let the child make a decision about him as they grow up. This is just from my own personal experience that I speak.

[ddc101]

Here is what I would do.
I would teach my child about the forgiveness and mercy of the cross and exactly what repentance is and what it means to be born again.Then as the questions came up I would answer them without getting too deep or over the childs head.Too much information can not be good.People change over time and its possible that the man could change into something decent.So leave the extras out.Later if the child wanted to meet the father I would make the contact and then if the man said no I would explain it to the child in a godly fashion with extra emphasis on what people do who do not have the Holy Ghost.I have a son whose father hardly ever exercised visitation or sent any money.What I did was allow visits when ever he wanted to see my son but honestly they could be counted on one hand.My son looked to my natural father as his father and this eased the transition.Today he is in the Navy just as my dad was and is an electrician just like my dad was.When the children in his class spoke about family or drew pictures of their family the teacher took me aside and said she was amazed that he seemed to not let it bother him and take it in stride.In fact he would say that his family was mom,Grandma and PawPaw and that was that.Too much emotional discussion can give you a child who has an imbalance.Don't dwell on the negative just trust God and be positive.He will help you.lv sis.c

[Abigail4476]

Here is what I would do.
I would teach my child about the forgiveness and mercy of the cross and exactly what repentance is and what it means to be born again.Then as the questions came up I would answer them without getting too deep or over the childs head.Too much information can not be good.People change over time and its possible that the man could change into something decent.So leave the extras out.Later if the child wanted to meet the father I would make the contact and then if the man said no I would explain it to the child in a godly fashion with extra emphasis on what people do who do not have the Holy Ghost.I have a son whose father hardly ever exercised visitation or sent any money.What I did was allow visits when ever he wanted to see my son but honestly they could be counted on one hand.My son looked to my natural father as his father and this eased the transition.Today he is in the Navy just as my dad was and is an electrician just like my dad was.When the children in his class spoke about family or drew pictures of their family the teacher took me aside and said she was amazed that he seemed to not let it bother him and take it in stride.In fact he would say that his family was mom,Grandma and PawPaw and that was that.Too much emotional discussion can give you a child who has an imbalance.Don't dwell on the negative just trust God and be positive.He will help you.lv sis.c
Very well said.

Simplicity is best with a child on any subject.

And you don't want to lay the foundation for the child to have a negative view of their father, because the father may someday become a better man.

[Sis]

Great posts. Remember, just answer the question asked. Don't go into long explanations. They only confuse. The same is true for the birds-and-bees questions, too. LOL

[Abigail4476]

Great posts. Remember, just answer the question asked. Don't go into long explanations. They only confuse. The same is true for the birds-and-bees questions, too. LOL
Bleh. I followed that (simplicity) sentiment until last year when my 12-year-old niece gave my [then] 7 yr. old daughter some horrid misinformation, so I was forced to thoroughly explain so my daughter wouldn't have misconceptions. (no pun intended) She was thoroughly disgusted. I hope she gets over it and gets married someday...LOL. (Though not as young as her mommy did.)

[Renee]

All I was trying to do was explain about my experience. And how I was basically poisoned by people telling me that he was a bad person. I should have been able to find out for myself. Oh wait, I am getting into a long explanation. I guess that personal experience doesn't matter around here.

[Abigail4476]

All I was trying to do was explain about my experience. And how I was basically poisoned by people telling me that he was a bad person. I should have been able to find out for myself. Oh wait, I am getting into a long explanation. I guess that personal experience doesn't matter around here.
eh?????

Renee, I don't think anyone was criticizing your post.....

:ninja: :confused:

[Renee]

Maybe I just misunderstood...I can't be sure. Sometimes people word things that are hard to figure out who they are talking to. If I misunderstood, I am sorry. I just am not clear on a post.

[florahall]

dear Sister,

For me, I will tell the truth to the child. Telling a lie to the child will just create problem in the future. We dont want our child to call us liar. I know they will not understand , but children need to hear the truth not lie or stories that is not true. I know that there are a lot of children born out of marriage and the father or mother is not in the picture, but if the other parent is not around let them know that they have a father or a mother. I know one boy the son of my ex-husband now told me that he does not have any mother at all. he was 6 years old at that time and he told me when I ask him where is your mother? But the answer is i dont have any.His father never told him that he has a mother and hius mother was the one that bring him out of this world. He never know that he has a mother and the mother exist. What he know is that his father was living with a defferent woman and bring defferent woman in his house. he grow up seeing defferent woman in his father life and you cannot count it on your fingers. I pity the boy as he does not know the truth and what is going on. He become my step son and that is when he see that and know that he could have a family and he has a mother. I become his mother, care for him teach him everything , and find his real mother and introduce him to her. That was the most happy moment of his life and i see the glow in his eyes when he see and know his mother. So tell her the truth, and let her see her dad and let her comunicate with him if she is not in danger.

Sister Flora Hall

[NanaRenan]

Maybe I just misunderstood...I can't be sure. Sometimes people word things that are hard to figure out who they are talking to. If I misunderstood, I am sorry. I just am not clear on a post.
Sister, it IS easy to misunderstand. For a split second I tho't the other sister was chastising for people telling long stories. But at a second glance I realized she was giving her advice on the original question -- "what to tell the child..." -- long explanations would confuse the child.

**giggling** And brief posts can confuse the sisters, sometimes! **wink**

[Renee]

Sister, it IS easy to misunderstand. For a split second I tho't the other sister was chastising for people telling long stories. But at a second glance I realized she was giving her advice on the original question -- "what to tell the child..." -- long explanations would confuse the child.

**giggling** And brief posts can confuse the sisters, sometimes! **wink**
That was my thought as well. After Abigail asked me about it, I reread the post and saw that maybe I had understood it wrong. Man, it can be so confusing trying to figure out what people are saying. I will try to read better and think a little longer before I post from now on.

[ddc101]

Remember sometimes a child is too young to be able to bear the entire brunt of the truth.We are called to protect and shelter our children from harm.
For instance I have an aunt whose husband is a repeated child molester.He has been in jail,institutions etc.Well I don't need to go into details with my seven year old about what a child molester is but since they have a summer house a few houses down and he occasionally walks the neighborhood I want her to be aware and not be around him whatsoever.At first she thought he killed little girls because she misunderstood and when ever she saw him she would cry outloud and run away.Now she knows that if he comes around without us nearby to come home right away and report it to an adult.I also have told her that never believe that anyone is going to harm her or her parents or anyone else but to tell mommy because mommy is going to go over there and beat them to a pulp.Sorry it does not sound christian but its more of how I feel than probably what I would actually do although a loaded thirty-eight does not sound too bad when I consider what child molesters do to children.I probably should plant more seeds into jail ministry. :flame: lv sis.c

[Abigail4476]

Remember sometimes a child is too young to be able to bear the entire brunt of the truth.We are called to protect and shelter our children from harm.
For instance I have an aunt whose husband is a repeated child molester.He has been in jail,institutions etc.Well I don't need to go into details with my seven year old about what a child molester is but since they have a summer house a few houses down and he occasionally walks the neighborhood I want her to be aware and not be around him whatsoever.At first she thought he killed little girls because she misunderstood and when ever she saw him she would cry outloud and run away.Now she knows that if he comes around without us nearby to come home right away and report it to an adult.I also have told her that never believe that anyone is going to harm her or her parents or anyone else but to tell mommy because mommy is going to go over there and beat them to a pulp.Sorry it does not sound christian but its more of how I feel than probably what I would actually do although a loaded thirty-eight does not sound too bad when I consider what child molesters do to children.I probably should plant more seeds into jail ministry. :flame: lv sis.c
Just a sidenote: I used some recent news stories to explain to my children very simply that some very bad people hurt children in their "privates" and that if anyone ever tries to touch them in those places that they are to tell Mommy or Daddy right away. I also told them that some bad people will say things like "If you tell anyone I will hurt your Mommy or Daddy" or try to make them promise not to tell, and they weren't to listen and are to tell us anyway.

I don't think children should be overloaded with details, but in this society it is important that they know that they are never to allow anyone to molest them, and that they know what it is.

Our city lists sex offenders by name, address, picture and offense on their website. The main reason I decided to give this more specific explanation is because a registered sex offender moved into the house directly across the street from my parents' house.

And I agree with you on your violent feelings; nothing makes me angrier than those who would dare to hurt a child.

[ddc101]

Sister Abigail,
Our city is crawling with sex offenders.I get about a postcard a month.It makes me pray alot more I can tell you.I wanted to share that with my son because I was bringing alot of people to church who were homosexual that we had to get into the big heavy very early and cover all bases.I am so glad I did this because one of these offenders got into the congregation of a nearby church and was bisexual and liked young boys.He would be the one out shouting and running and turning cartwheels in the church for revivals etc.Even married one of the nicer church ladies.This man has a bunch of kids of his own.He moved her in with his seventeen year old boyfriend after the marriage with the excuse that the boy had no place to go and that he was just helping him out etc.He continued to lie and sleep with both of them.Sickens me to think of it.He had a business and hired young men from the church and then proceeded to weave his web of lies and deception and molested most of them even the pastors son.When the man was turned in the amt of those he had abused was unbelievable.So from now on I pay closer attention.The pastors wife ended up having a breakdown from this ploy of satan along with all the other stress factors.Still today she is suspicious of every new person.Its so sad what devestation this spirit did to the congregation.Boy am I ever so glad I took my son aside.And when I did I found he was so very receptive to what I was saying.I did not go into details I simply explained to him what type behaviour these folks exhibited and what to look for and report to me.But my son was not the type to need someone to confide in other than us.So many times children are taken in by someone who will spend time with them when the parent has to work alot or its a one parent home.I have seen so many cases.lv sis.c

[lellingsworth]

Sister M. has been a christian for roughly 4 years. She has a child who was born out of a relationship from before she was born again. The child's father has never been in the picture, though he was told about the child during Sister M's pregnancy. The child is now almost 5 years old and Sister M. knows her little one will begin asking questions about her absent father anytime soon. What should Sister M. do?

Sister M. should tell her child the whole truth about her father without bitterness and hatred, but make also sure that she understands that no matter what, he is still her dad. Good or bad. I know this from experience. She should also know that it is OKAY not to like WHAT her dad has or hasn't done but that she should always love him, just because he is her dad. My son's father was absent from his life for 15 years. Now, they are good friends but because of the way I treated the situation, my son also knows how to handle when dad doesn't come through. She also needs to learn that God is the father of the fatherless and so she never will have to feel like she goes without a father. I would say NEVER keep the child and dad from having a relationship if either of them want it. If Sister M. doesn't want to allow it, bite her tongue and just do it, for the baby. You never know what the future holds years down the road. Sister M's daughter could end up leading her dad to get the Holy Ghost one day. That's been my experience anyway.

[florahall]

Sister Cooper I agree with you, sometimes we cannot control of our bad thought and thinking to take a revenge if there is somebody that want to hurt our children. That is normal for the mother to act when the child is in danger. I sin so many times and i ask forgiveness to god right away because of my thought. I know it is not christian to do but when you are hurt, and your son is hurt and in danger, your only way is to say a lot of revenge words, but thank God, we can ask forgiveness right away and give the problem to God.
Is there anybody will praise god during the time that she or he is angry? What would everybody do when they are angry because something happen to your child? Or somebody is hurting them or abuse them?

Sister Flora Hall

[Apostolic Kitty]

Tell the truth. That the child has a father who went away. And just in case the father comes back someday, nothing horrible should be said about the father unless the father is/was abusive and the child needs to be protected.
Sister M. doesn't think he will ever come back since he has never been there. She believes that, if he does, he will play head games with the child and never really be there for her.

If the child wants to know why the daddy left, or if he loves her or her mommy, say something like, "Yes, but he doesn't know how to show it very well. Maybe someday he will learn how to show us that he loves us. Let's pray for him, and maybe God can teach him what he needs to know."
I don't believe saying this to a child in this scenario would be telling the truth. People who love don't up, leave and deny the people they love.

[Apostolic Kitty]

My advice would be for Sis. M. is to tell her daughter that she has a father, but don't fill the child's head with aweful thoughts of him. If the child wants to try to get in contact with him later in life, nobody should stand in their way. Unless there is a need for protection, like Abigail said, then tell the child about him and let the child make a decision about him as they grow up. This is just from my own personal experience that I speak.
It must have been tough growing up in that situation. Sister M.'s situation is a bit different in that she has not seen nor heard from the father since she told him she was pregnant. She doesn't know where he lives or even if he is alive.

What do you think she should tell the child? What do you wish your mom would have done with you?

[Abigail4476]

Sister M. doesn't think he will ever come back since he has never been there. She believes that, if he does, he will play head games with the child and never really be there for her.


I don't believe saying this to a child in this scenario would be telling the truth. People who love don't up, leave and deny the people they love.
Telling the child that her father doesn't love her will only hurt her. And quite honestly, he may feel some affection for the child, but because of poor relations with her mother be unable to show it or not know how. I don't think there is a good reason to tell the child that her father doesn't love her. JMO.

I agree that leaving someone you love is not the way love is truly supposed to work, but in all actuality, people hurt people that they love all the time (in the context of "feel affection for"). I do understand that true godly love does not behave in this way.

I have known of a couple of situations where fathers came back into the lives of their children after being gone for many, many years. Which is why, unless the child is in danger, it isn't a good idea to sever that relationship in the mind of the child.

It may be a good idea to remove all parental rights of the father so he cannot bring chaos into the child's life by attempting to take her away from her mother or something worse.

[Abigail4476]

Telling the child that her father doesn't love her will only hurt her. And quite honestly, he may feel some affection for the child, but because of poor relations with her mother be unable to show it or not know how. I don't think there is a good reason to tell the child that her father doesn't love her. JMO.

I agree that leaving someone you love is not the way love is truly supposed to work, but in all actuality, people hurt people that they love all the time (in the context of "feel affection for"). I do understand that true godly love does not behave in this way.

I have known of a couple of situations where fathers came back into the lives of their children after being gone for many, many years. Which is why, unless the child is in danger, it isn't a good idea to sever that relationship in the mind of the child.

It may be a good idea to remove all parental rights of the father so he cannot bring chaos into the child's life by attempting to take her away from her mother or something worse.
I wrote this before I read your last post; if the mother isn't aware of the father's whereabouts at all, then she needs to take steps to remove his parental rights if she hasn't already done so. This will protect her daughter from any future chaos.

As far as what she tells her about her father, I think simple explanations are best, nothing that would create a negative view of the father, and nothing that would cause the child to feel hurt. In my opinion, the father should be only cast in a positive light, except to acknowledge that a man is wrong for leaving his family.

[Apostolic Kitty]

Here is what I would do.
I would teach my child about the forgiveness and mercy of the cross and exactly what repentance is and what it means to be born again.Then as the questions came up I would answer them without getting too deep or over the childs head.Too much information can not be good.
Sis. M's concern is that her child will not ask her any questions and be left to her own imaginations about her history.

I have to disagree that too too much information can't be good...at least in a general sense. I know when James was beginning to wear deodorant we talked with him about "the birds and the bees" and I gave him a binder with information I had printed regarding what boys and girls go through in puberty. I wanted him to learn the right information from us -- not the wrong information from another kid. He was embarrased by it, but I have heard him mention things I didn't realize he knew and asked "where'd you learn that?" and he said, "from the binder you gave me".

Too much emotional discussion can give you a child who has an imbalance.Don't dwell on the negative just trust God and be positive.He will help you.lv sis.c
I don't believe Sis M. is really emotional about it -- except that she loves her baby dearly and doesn't want her to feel like something is wrong with her because her biological father left them.

She doesn't hold a grudge over it, but knows the situation needs to be dealt with..

[Apostolic Kitty]

Great posts. Remember, just answer the question asked. Don't go into long explanations. They only confuse. The same is true for the birds-and-bees questions, too. LOL
I definitely disagree with you about the birds and the bees thing. Knowledge is power in such situations.

I don't believe such discussions should wait until questions are asked since often kids will not ask at all.

[Abigail4476]

I definitely disagree with you about the birds and the bees thing. Knowledge is power in such situations.

I don't believe such discussions should wait until questions are asked since often kids will not ask at all.
Most young children do ask questions; it is the ones who are made to feel embarassed or bad for asking that don't ever make that mistake again. Or, if they sense embarassment on the parents' part, they may avoid the subject.

With young children, answers should be kept simple so as not to confuse them. But you should definitely answer their questions. As children get older, I think opportunities to tactfully bring up "birds & bees" discussions should be looked for and taken advantage of. (i.e., don't just leave it to the child)

It can be overwhelming to give a child a huge boatload of information all at one time--which is why it is better, IMO, to give them facts here and there, as they come up, or whenever you think it is appropriate. Most definitely, the "birds and bees" discussion should NOT be saved for the night before marriage--as it was in my case!

I will add that those who have children in public (or private) school, will have to ward off misinformation from other children with the correct information at home. Because of the knowledge that is held by children at an increasingly young age, it is important, IMO that children have a general understanding of sex and the moral values that relate. I have a small advantage in that, I homeschool my kids, and therefore I can give them their information in a more gradual fashion and in less overwhelming doses, since I pretty much have control over their information at this point. Even so, I have already had to correct some information my daughter recieved from my niece. I had to go into great detail in order to explain why it was incorrect, too.

I think, bottom line, make sure they get the information, make sure you are accurate, try not to embarass your child, and other than that you have to pretty much play it by ear and decide when your child is ready to hear what you have to say.