Mother in need of help

[Israel7]

I am 24 years old and a mother of three. I have a six year old, a four year old, and a two year old. My mother wasn't strict with me, in fact, I pretty much got what I want. I am following in her shoes with my kids. But I feel that I need some kind of displine for my kids. I am losing control with them and feel like I'm going crazy if I can't get them under control. I tried everything from spanking to time out. Nothing I do seem to work and I'm getting stressed out from all the frustration of dealing with them. My husband isn't the kind that gives me a break when I need one. I feel if I don't get away from them sometime I'll end up hurting one of them. When I feel that way, I just go to a room and just leave them alone. I know that's a mistake. But I need some advice on how to displine or parenting. I didn't plan on having kids this close together, but it happens. Now I need help.

[Abigail4476]

I am 24 years old and a mother of three. I have a six year old, a four year old, and a two year old. My mother wasn't strict with me, in fact, I pretty much got what I want. I am following in her shoes with my kids. But I feel that I need some kind of displine for my kids. I am losing control with them and feel like I'm going crazy if I can't get them under control. I tried everything from spanking to time out. Nothing I do seem to work and I'm getting stressed out from all the frustration of dealing with them. My husband isn't the kind that gives me a break when I need one. I feel if I don't get away from them sometime I'll end up hurting one of them. When I feel that way, I just go to a room and just leave them alone. I know that's a mistake. But I need some advice on how to displine or parenting. I didn't plan on having kids this close together, but it happens. Now I need help.One major reason children will consistently defy their parents and ignore threats/warnings is because they have learned that persistence gets them what they want. One key to keeping your sanity is to be consistent, and keep your word. If you say no candy, then don't buy candy no matter how much they scream. If you say time out if you do _______,then have a time out if they do _______. (The first time, not the second time.) So implement a little firmness and a lot of consistency and that may help.

Now, as far as feeling overwhelmed--that is normal for a mother of young children. It will pass as they get older, and if you can keep in perspective that this is merely a phase, it will help you get through this trying time. Also, don't wait for your husband to volunteer to watch the kids. Pick up your car keys one night a week or every Saturday afternoon and leave the house and kids in your husband's care. Don't worry; he's an adult--he can handle it for a little while. Go to the store or go to the park or go for a walk. Whatever you do, stay gone for at least an hour. (By the way, one way to make sure this works, is to make sure you don't try to tell your husband how to take care of the kids while you're gone--just let him handle it and don't worry about it. If he can't handle an hour a week without anyone ending up in the E.R., then you have more serious problems than just discipline issues.)

Also, do you have a mother or a sister or close female friend who you can ask to come over once a week and help you with chores? Or watch the kids for a couple of hours outside while you clean up and catch up?

[Naomi]

Israel, Buy the book Dare To Discipline by James Dobson. He is very wise concerning these things.

[survivor4christ]

Israel:

Welcome to the GNC!

I pray that this board is as much a blessing to you as it has been to me.

I noticed that your oldest is six; You are young...you started having kids young and this sometimes determines how you parent.

Sis. Abby suggested getting someone to take them off your hands....I think this is a wonderful idea. Every mother needs a break.

Don't be hard on yourself. These bundles of joy do not come with instructions written on the tag. We learn as we go. And pray for the best.

Discipline is a hard thing when it comes to the kids. I used to not spank my kids either. I still don't too often. My kids can tell you if I spank them four times this year, it was too many.

I do believe that spanking should be a last resort. Talk to them first. If they insist on being disobedient over and over again, then it may be time for a rat-a-tat-tat on the back...

I believe because I talk to my kids so much, they have excellent verbal skills. Everyone is always complimenting me on how well my four year old speaks.

But he has his moments, too. Like tonite, we had a long nite. He had pizza before we left around 6:30, yet when we walked in the door at 9, he was screaming he was hungry. He was doing exactly what I told him not to do. He kept on so after about five minutes or so, I picked him up, brought him in my room and smacked his hide...because he was crying, for no reason. We tried to give him a hot dog...he threw it down and cried louder b/c it fell apart. He was just plain old sleepy.

So after I smacked his hide once, he laid down and cried. Then when he was done, I asked him if he knew why I smacked him, he said no, of course. I told him because he was crying for no reason. I explained to him that it okay to cry if he is hurt or is sad, but to cry and yell, throw tantrums, for no reason, that was not acceptable. That made mummy really angry. I asked him if he understood, and he said yes. Then he hugged me and kissed me and said good nite and he is snoring as I write this.

What I wanted him to see was that his behavior was unacceptable. Being frustrated or tired is not a valid reason for a four year old to carry on the way he did. Now he knows. And he won't do it anymore. Or smack.

Some may see this as extreme. But I made the mistake of not nipping tantrums with my daughter at that age, and I paid for it. I paid for it with her almost getting kicked out of school and arrested for hitting a teacher, all out of a tantrum phase, at the age of 7. She has learned better ways to be frustrated and disappointed, true that, but it was my responsibility to teach her that way back when. Why wasn't it done?

That is a complex questions I won't answer here. All I will say is this: you know your child better than anyone else. If you pray about what to do, God will give you wisdom, whether that be by someone giving it to you, or by God speaking to you regarding your child. With Damaris, I really had to pray and ask God for wisdom, I still do. Pray. Prayer does wonders. Get all the godly advice, glean what you can. But in the end, pray. The effectual fervent prayer of the righteous avails much!

Love,
Sis. Wenona

[Melody]

This thread had a lot of good advice also.

http://www.goodnewscafe.net/showthread.php?t=2813

[ddc101]

I am 24 years old and a mother of three. I have a six year old, a four year old, and a two year old. My mother wasn't strict with me, in fact, I pretty much got what I want. I am following in her shoes with my kids. But I feel that I need some kind of displine for my kids. I am losing control with them and feel like I'm going crazy if I can't get them under control. I tried everything from spanking to time out. Nothing I do seem to work and I'm getting stressed out from all the frustration of dealing with them. My husband isn't the kind that gives me a break when I need one. I feel if I don't get away from them sometime I'll end up hurting one of them. When I feel that way, I just go to a room and just leave them alone. I know that's a mistake. But I need some advice on how to displine or parenting. I didn't plan on having kids this close together, but it happens. Now I need help.


Sister, You sound so tired.I feel for you.I remember the times when I asked myself....Why did I even come to church tonight? Because I had spent more time stepping out for correction that I barely heard the message.But it does get better.Now mine are 23,14,7 The last one was a big trial but she just amazes me.Pray with them.Sometimes they get so jealous of each other that
they want any attention even negative attention.I take time with each individually.How about a play date for the oldest one afternoon or swap babysitting with another sister in the church so you and hubby can go on date night once in a while and then she and her hubby can do the same.Its time to read the word and prayer that you need.Either wait until they are all tucked in or get up early and get alone with God.I know where you are.I just had mine more spaced.But kids will be kids and its such a shame when they are all grown up and on their own and all you get are phone calls and cards. :cry:

[Ace]

Sister Israel, I, too have three children aged 7, 4, and 1. We have done well with discipline (thank the LORD, and there's always room for improvement), but I still find myself feeling overwhelmed by the vastness of my daily responsibilities. I say that hesitantly, not wanting to at all imply that I would trade my job for anything, but I feel a lot of stress most days. I just want to let you know that you are not alone! There is a lot of depth to the struggles of mothers of young children, and this is not an issue to be down-played. I have often been disappointed by the lack of response to this serious issue by the elders of the church. Once again, encouragement: you are not alone! The advice so far posted has been good, and I pray that you are helped. I agree that Focus on the Family is a blessing of a resource. Around the time of my first son, I was especially encouraged by the daily radio broadcasts. They weren't always about parenting, but the topics were often of a sensitive nature helpful in keeping a mother's heart tender toward her little companions.
In Jesus' name,
Sister Sheepish

[Deonna]

Sister, I can relate. My kids were each 2.5 years apart - a little more than yours but it just seemed an eternity was spent with a toddler on the hip and an infant in a carrier. I remember how tired I was constantly.

From there it went to preschooler, toddler, and infant. And I homeschooled my oldest to top it off when my youngest was just months old - talk about a difficult time.

My oldest would throw temper tantrums EVERY time I went to a store - no matter what time of day or where I went. One time she climbed the shelves at walmart trying to get to a bag of cookies I'd told her no about (she was an extremely strong-willed toddler and I had an infant).

I'd be so embarrassed about the way she behaved. People would tell me "you need to do this" or "it's because you don't do that", etc. People would look at me either with the look of "Do something with that child" or "What are you doing to that child?"

I disciplined her (and I thought it was consistently) but later realized I wasn't as consistent as I thought - which was the main problem. As Abby said, lay down and define the punishments for certain behavior/actions then follow through the first time. It's hard at first and you will be exhausted from constantly having to correct/discipline them but it pays off in the end.

I also went through that with my middle but with consistent discipline (whether grounding, taking toys, staying inside while others play outside, etc.) she overcame her temper tantrums. My kids are far from perfect but they've come a long ways - I consider them pretty good kids despite their bickering amongst themselves. :huh: :D

[Israel7]

Thanks for the advice. You all have really helped a lot. I sure am glad that I found out about the Good News Cafe. I was begining to feel as if I didn't have no one to talk to that could help me out with this problem. My pastor's wife is a very busy women, with this being a new ministry and all so I try not to bother her so much. I just need to let a whole lot of stuff off my chest. I thank you all for being here and for the great advice. I feel a lot better knowing that I'm not alone and that there are actually people who knows what I'm talking about and can share their knowledge about this with me.

I will keep you all posted on how it works out and thanks again.

Sister Scherita a/k/a/ Israel7

[LilOrphanAnnie]

My husband almost never gives me a break from the kids, either. One thing I do is go to the grocery store that has a play space, where they watch the kids for free while you shop. I try to arrange it for when the 1-1/2 yr old is ready to fall asleep, and I put him in his stroller (the store only accepts age 3 & older), and go sit down somewhere in the store and chill out for a while, buy a muffin & bring a book or whatever. The store I used to do it at only let you do it an hour, but this one here lets me leave the older one there two hours! Even if the younger one is awake, it's out of the house, and away from my housework, and at least one child is out of my hair for a while-

I sure understand where you're coming from sister. Myself I have to have time alone or I just can't function- I find if I wake up at least an hour before everyone else and get some good solid prayer time in, then everything else falls in line & I can handle the kids that day. (Ok, it doesn't always happen-)

It will get better someday, it really will.