Sermon Slip Ups

[Webmaster]

I am familiar with a few sermon slip ups. I would like to hear some from the rest of you. Please do not name the speaker to protect the not so innocent, unless of course, you are telling on yourself!:)

I will kick it off with this one that I did one eve many years ago:

"Tonight, we serve the same God that took David through the Lions den, and gave Daniel the victory over Goliath! PRAISE GOD!"

And so the thread begins!

Bro. Flemming:D

[truemessianic]

Preacher has a bad time saying God killed David and raised up Goliath to be king.

[Webmaster]

The church I was saved in was in Niles, Michigan on Earl Street. The pastor that was there when I started attending left after I was there about 2 1/2 years. The new pastor that came in used to mention Ananias and Sapphira alot in his messages. Only he pronounced it Safari every time. To this day I can't help but chuckle when someone metions this setting, and think, "My, but why would Ananias be married to a trip to the wilds of Africa?"

hehehehehehehe

[nightwatchman]

My pastor was preaching the other night about [B]BLIND BARTEMAUS[/B and blurted out, that he was blind from his Mother's birth.

[O2blikehim]

Pastor was commenting on how Sis. ----- recieved the Holy Ghost in the shower, then from habit added, "MY! I wish I could have been there!"

True story I am told!

Stephen

[searching]

My current pastor makes bloopers just about every time he preaches. One of his lines one night in a fervent moment of preaching was:

"We serve a red hot devil, and he wants a red hot church!!"

It took him a minute to realize what he said. Another one was:

"God has never heard a prayer he couldn't hear."

And another one about standards:

"I'm not going to measure your skirts to see how long they are, and if you wear low necklines, I'm gonna look." To which his wife in the back of the church replied, "No, you're not!" He said, "Did I say I was gonna look? I meant I'm NOT gonna look!"

On another night of preaching, he was talking to the young people about their appearances, and stated, "You young girls who think you are all there with what the Lord gave ya, believe me," and put his cupped hands in front of his chest (honestly, I don't think he realized what he was doing, you just gotta know this man), "someday you are gonna get old, and it's all gonna fall!" What made this funny is that 1/3 of the church was over 55 at the time.

Me...

[searching]

A visiting preacher at the church I grew up in was preaching one night about the plagues of Egypt. When the flies came, Pharaoh would call on Moses and tell him to "get the flies outta here" and Moses would talk to God. Pharaoh would again go back on his promise to let the Israelites go, so the lice came. Pharaoh would call on Moses to "get the lice outta here". So Moses talked to God again and the lice left. Pharaoh once again went back on his promise to release the slaves and the hail came. Yeah, you guessed it. Pharaoh called Moses and said:


"Get the hail outta here!!"

Me...

[foreverblessed]

LOL!

I hope I don't get in trouble for repeating this one.

This was actually said and by a District official no less. Imagine trying to recover the service after this:

Turn to the book of Glasses, while I get out my peter.

[searching]

Haha.....yes, I heard that one too. For many years I thought it was made up, but I met a minister's wife who said she knew the individual who said it, and knew it to be true.

Here's one similar, said to a distinct, elderly woman as service was about to end for the night:

"Sis. Praybody, would you stand up and pee?"

Me...

[foreverblessed]

Yes, it was really said, but the preacher is long dead and gone.

[Xerf]

........................ .......... .. ........... ........ ..............

this thread outta be in braille!!!!!!

-- .....- ... ----------

[searching]

Ummm.......that's not Braille, that's Morse code........LOL!!!

Me...

[Xerf]

Even better!!! This thread should be in CODE...........and only people with an enigma box could read it!!!!!!!!

:rolleyes:

[Webmaster]

I am still reminded of the minister who talked about Moses and the whale, and Jonah and the Red Sea!

[Webmaster]

XERF,

perhaps you know a few sermon slip ups? Someone with your sense of humor should have some very intersting things to add.

[Xerf]

I have never made a sermon slapup! :rolleyes: (yeah, right!) :rolleyes:

However, having heard plenty of less able folk, I recall:

Once a preacher was preaching (I saw and heard it) and it was an old building w/o AC and it was like in July.........HOT!!.........the place was packed out..........the preacher being very active.........was sweating like a popsicle in a baby's hand.........and his hankerchief was saturated with sweat........the preacher was down among the people preaching like the house was afire (which felt like it) and as he made a glorious point he slung his hand out (the one holding the hanky) and assumed "right index finger point" and as he did so the momentum and the wetness of the hanky caused him to lose his grip on the hanky and the thing went flying (opening up as it sailed) and completely covered the face of some poor guy on the front pew...........it stuck and had to be peeled away!!!!

NOW THAT'S ANOINTED!!!!!!!



hahaha!!


:)

[Webmaster]

Somehow, methinks that wasn't your average everyday anointing oil.......

[Webmaster]

C'mon GNC'ers! I know others must have some interesting stories to tell. Let's hear 'em!

I made a post here earlier, and after reading it I did not think it appropriate and asked Bro. Dane's opinion of it. We both thought best to remove it. It was an actual happening at a service I was in. I was not the one who said it, nor the one it was said about. If anyone saw it before it was deleted, I apologize for lack of restraint. I can tell you though, it was sure difficult to sit through the rest of the service!

[searching]

Haha! This thread came along just in time. I got another blooper from the preacher this morning. This was funny, you should have been there.

We have live services on the local radio, so after he addressed the congregation and thanking them for being there, he addressed the radio listeners and said:

"For those who are listening on the radio, I'd like to thank you for being with us this Christmas, er, Easter morning."

The entire congregation burst into laughter, and the preacher stated that he was thinking of a joke at that moment about people who only come to church on Easter and Christmas, and it confused him while talking.....likely story!!!

Me...

[BroDane]

Well yall just aint heard Nuthin till you heard our bloopers...... and You will only hear em LIVE as the prerecorded ones get edited!!

[Adoniyah]

I will not name the Sister as she is still living...I believe.

She was elected to the post of National LPA leader at Gen. Conference. In her acceptance speech she talked aboiut following leaders. She said, "Leaders are like flying ducks." The lead ducks break the wind for the ducks that follow behind them. I thank God for the men on the platform because they break wind. You take brother Chambers, he breaks wind. Brother Paul Box breaks wind. Nobody can break wind like brother A.T. Morgan. If you don't believe it, you just need to be around him sometime."

Several thousand people there that day almost rolled on the floor laughing. I am not sure that the dear sainted Sister ever knew what we were all laughing about.

[bishop1]

Toledo Is Not As Far From You As You Think Brother !

[Webmaster]

I remember the pastor where I grew up was very strict in holiness standards. One time, he was in the middle of a sermon which had nothing to do with dress code, but it got there anyway! He said, "If you sisters want to know what is dress length is holy, look at my wife...stand up baby....wait, you do have a dress on that is holy today, don't you?"

You know, I never was able to figure out how he could have slipped up like that. His wife was and is the epitome of Biblical standards of dress.

[nightwatchman]

Yes ,holiness standards can be hurmorous .My Pastor was talking about other preachers preaching against colored panty hose.He said, I don't care what color panties you sisters wear! I mean PANTY HOSE To late, saints ROFLOL....

[searching]

I was just reminded by Adoniyah about another of my pastor's bloopers.

My pastor is a fiery preacher, and he sweats like he's in a workout. It was one of those preaching moments when he says:

"God wants us to get down to business. We will get more things done if we start cutting the cheese around here."

When everyone started laughing, he had no idea why. So he continued preaching. Every once in a while, he would use that phrase "cutting the cheese" meaning to get down to business. His wife knew, but never would tell him what he was saying wrong. They were both in their late 30's then, so I had no idea how he couldn't have known what that phrase meant. I pulled him aside one day and asked him if he knew why everyone laughed when he said that. He had no idea, but wasn't sure if it was due to anything he said. I told him what it meant, and he about died. I haven't heard him say it since.

Me...

[dllong]

Searching:

I give, What does "cutting the cheese" mean?

Dave

[jbenjesus]

Originally posted by dllong
Searching:

I give, What does "cutting the cheese" mean?

Dave Passing gas.

In other words, "farting".

[dllong]

oh, (shutter)...

We in Wisconsin call it "Shooting a rabbit".

[nightwatchman]

Poor little bunny

[Webmaster]

"Eh.....What's up, Doc?"

My thanks to Bugs Bunny

[Hebrews116]

As a teenager, I was living in a small town in Texas with my Great-Uncle as the Pastor. He had been in church for over 35 years at the time, and was totally clueless as to what was really out in the world during the early 1980's.

There was a billboard in town that said, "If there ain't no Jim Beam in heaven, then I don't want to go."

My Pastor, dear ole Uncle ____ said one Sunday night while preaching, "And I've got news for you, ole Mr. Jim Beam ain't going to be in heaven if he doesn't repent, get baptized in Jesus name for the remission of his sins, and don't get filled with the Holy Ghost just like everybody else."

[Xerf]

Amen to that!! Even if Jim Beam is a big SHOT!!

[Hebrews116]

Originally posted by Xerf
Amen to that!! Even if Jim Beam is a big SHOT!!


Xerf, I submit my title to you as being the ultimate king of ONELINERS. "I'm unworthy to be in your presence...Unworthy; Unworthy"

[tufluv]

ME TOO!
BUT, I'm willing to 'grovel' !! :bow: Heheh! :laugh: :laugh:
:jk:

[Adoniyah]

Brother V.A. Guidroz, the former Dist. Supt of Texas was also a Master Orator, preacher and story teller. He could hold an audience spell bound. He is now deceased, but his memory in my mind is most precious.

When he was a young man, he lost his index finger on his right hand. His middle finger was extraordinarily long. Occasionally, while he preached, he would turn the back of his right hand to the congregation with that one finger sticking straight up and the other fingers down along with the missing right index finger.

The first time I saw that scene, I almost fell out of my pew. The way he shook that finger at the crowd, I thought he was giving everybody the "finger."

I was willing to believe that Brother Guidroz was innocent and did not realize how it looked. I was talking to Terry Denny, another bonafied nut preacher who declared that brother Guidroz knew exactly what he was doing.

Anyway, I have laughed at that scene many times.

[Webmaster]

That reminds me of a story about a preacher resigning his church and the story involved mistletoe! I will not post it here as it would not be appropriate, but I am guessing Adoniyah will know the story.

[Adoniyah]

Brother Bernard, the father of Brother David Bernard of Austin, Texas was a Missionary on deputation from Korea. He was in his home District of Louisiana adressing the very large Campmeeting crowd of thousands. He was dressed so nicely in his Korean clothes as he made his passioned plea, placing a burden on us all for Korrea.

The mood was so solemn, somber, intense and moving. Just then, his fancy Korean clothes fell off of him, falling down to his ankles. Talking about a jar. We were all so shocked, at first. After thinking for a second or two, the mood begun to change. First it was of shock, then embarassment for Brother Bernard. It then turned to a feeling of empathy. Finally someone chuckled out loud. Now, they should not have done that. They really should not have done that.

Talking about a laugh being contageous??? Wow, no one wanted to laugh, but when brother C. G. Weeks, the Supt started laughing the whole congregation roared in laughter.

I felt so sorry for brother Bernard. He just stood there without picking up his clothes. He just laid his head over on the pulpit. Fortunately he had on some under clothes that was fairly appropriate.

Finally he reached down and picked them up and tied them properly and continued on with his presentation. I don't think the burden for missions returned that day. That happened back in the mid 1960's at Tioga, La.

Wonder why I would remember all of those terrible things?

[Adoniyah]

Bro. Mlflemming:

Gotta confess, I don't think that I know what incident you are referring to concerning the mistletoe, though I have see a lot of crazy things in my few short years as a 'postolic.

[Webmaster]

Weeeeeeeellllllll, Adoniyah, I do not consider it appropriate to post here considering it involves a pastor resigning, but I did send you a private message with the event. It happened down your way many years ago.

[bishop1]

Adoniyah;
You mentioned "Terry Denny" -
This is a slip-up {non-Sermon}

'The Great Arkansas Rabbit Hunt'
I believe it was about '68 or '69 when
Carl, Terry, & Dennis Denny along with
Billy, Bobby, & Spencer McCool took a
visiting Evangelist rabbit hunting near
the metropolitian aera of Walnut Ridge.

The hunting was over and they were calling in the dogs.
Dennis had just got a '22 ga. colt style target pistol and
when he showed it to the evangelist {who wore bottle cap style glasses}. The Evangelist said 'here, let me show you how to shoot that gun'. He took the gun in his right hand, leveled it across his left wrist, and took aim.

Just then Dennis's favorite beagle brought a rabbit around, and the evangelist fired one single shot from the six shooter !

Oh Yes, You Are Right - -
"He Missed The Rabbit - - -
And Shot The Dog - - - - - -
RIGHT BETWEEN THE EYES !

{nobody ever invites me to go hunting anymore}

[Webmaster]

hehehehe Bro. Holland, you never change....and you better not either!

Bro. Flemming

[Adoniyah]

hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...that is sooooooo funny. I can remember some of my own bloops and goofs that has caused me to become persona non gratta.

That Denny bunch are a bunch of krazy nuts. They just wont do. That krazie Terry would rather play a prank than anything. If you shot his dog...good...too bad you didn't shoot that bunch in the foot...one at a time. oooouuuuuuccccccchhhhh.

They are all great musicians and preachers too. Carl Monroe is a world class fiddle player.

[Paz De Cristo]

I have so many sermon bloopers in Spanish that I could share with you, but unfortunately, the translation into English would loose much of the “flavor” and humor. There is one incident that I recall fondly when I was a teenager. A young visiting minister from a bible college was preaching about the day of Pentecost when Peter said unto them; “For these are not drunken, as ye suppose….”. Now mind you this sermon was in Spanish, so for those of you fortunate enough to be bilingual and understand Spanish, this poor young minister said, “Y Pedro les dice, estos no andan ‘pedos’…” The English translation means something to the effect that they were all flatulent”! The whole church lost it that fateful morning, and it took quite a few minutes for the young minister to compose himself and continue the sermon! Like I said, funnier in Spanish, but still a gem of a sermon blooper!

[tufluv]

RE previous post by PDC:

It is because the word "pedos" is like tex-mex for 'drunk', but in another context, same word is used to describe what happens after eating, say, beans! or with some people, its cabbage! or broccoli (worse)!!! heheh!
Yup, some people listening won't hear/listen to the message or word from GOD, of the preaching, but boy !! are their ears perked up to hear something said innocently, and take it to new heights!! Distractions designed by satan.
And that is sad. :grumble:

[Ysan]

a visting preacher made a slipup over easter sunday, he first said that "Jesus was resurrected and now we have a cross", he slipped and said "His place is still on the cross, NO I MEAN our place is on the cross" I could be misquoting him, but I'm nearly positive that is exactly what was said.

bye

[searching]

I remember a visiting missionary that told of a slip up he had as a missionary that was learning the native language. He was preaching on how the Holy Ghost came and that there were tongues of fire on their heads. The audience started laughing hysterically and he couldn't understand why. His native helper explained to him that he had mispronounced the word for "fire" and instead he said "beer", making the people in the Upper Room have beer on their heads.

I know that in Spanish, if you don't pronouce the ~ over the "N", you can also be saying something completely different than you really want to say. The above was a similar mistake.

Me...

[foreverblessed]

LOL:laugh:

[searching]

My mother was in a service where a man named Harry Butts was a member. He brought a couple women to church with him one night, and the pastor said, "We are happy to have some visitors with us. Would the women with Harry Butts please stand?"

Me...

[foreverblessed]

I have heard that one before!!! :) Is that one really true? :)

[searching]

My mother swears she was there. I never met the man, so I have no idea!

Me...

[O2blikehim]

Ohh I know this one, it's REALLY bad.

This preacher, he...

... oh never mind!

[John Atkinson]

Could we be a little more spiritual? Please?

A couple of these posts are quite inappropriate.

Thank You

[Xerf]

AMEN to that!!!! I had my girlfriend over tonight and she slapped my face after reading this thread!!

I told ya'll this oughta be in braille!!!

:rolleyes:

[BroDane]

Dont worry, If we find them inappropiate we will delete em...LOL

[Xerf]

Yeah, well how do you delete a face slap? Is it possible to deslap someone that has already been slapped? Also is it possible to sue GNC for causing bodily harm and mental anguish? In other words can I slap a lawsuit on ya'll???????

Please advise.........I wanna know my rights that were wronged!

:rolleyes:

[dllong]

You don't get out much do you xerf?

[Xerf]

Well, as a matter of fact, I would get out much more IF I didn't have to catalogue all 1,732 1/2 of your recipes............ so my dear copious chef...........it's all your fault...........!!!

:rolleyes:

[searching]

A couple of these posts are quite inappropriate.


That's why they are called sermon slip-ups! They just aren't as funny if they aren't inappropriate in some way......LOL!

Me...

[Webmaster]

Well, I am sure Bro. John is referring to a certain type of inappropriate post, not just any garden variety innappropriate post. I believe I know which ones he means. I and Bro. Dane agreed to delete mine, but there was another one that I must say shocked me, even though I knew the story...just didn't think I would see it here in cyberspace where all could see it.

[bill]

You people need to lighten up! For goodness sake, life is too short not to laugh at our mistakes. They are SERMON SLIP UPS and guess what? Every preacher has done them, even you admin! I see you must have deleted my post. Well oh well!

I once heard a preacher actually describe, in explicit detail, how to milk a cow's teets (use your imagination). Really man! I laughed so hard I almost fell outta the pew.

I remember a preacher who was preaching one night and really tearing it up, like he always does. He was talking, if I remember right, about kicking the devil and he actually kicked his leg up like the devil was standing right there. Well, when he did his shoe came off of his foot and landed on the other side of the platform! It almost hit the pastor right in the head!

My first time I was leading service, I was so nervous I could hardly think straight. At the beginning of the service, I meant to say, "Turn around and shake the person's hand behind you", but it came out like this "turn around and shake a visitor." You gotta laugh at yourself sometimes! :laugh:

[John Atkinson]

Laughing at our selves is fine, but when the laghter is because of something crude, it isn't funny.

I wouldn't allow dirty jokes to be told here, nor will I allow the honest mistake of a preacher that turned out sounding dirty to be relayed here.

There are all kinds of funny bloopers that don't travel into the "crude" realm.

[Webmaster]

Yes, like trying to pronounce Mephibosheth for the first time....:)

[bill]

I remember when I was a Bible Quizzer, my first year at the NABQT (north american bible quizzing tournament). I was just a rookie quizzer and needless to say, VERY nervous. When I finally got around to hitting the buzzer, the 10 pt. question was this, "What came out of Jesus when the woman touched the hem of his garment?"

I hit the buzzer and the answer of course is virtue. I was so nervous I said DEMONS. :o

Talk about your most embarrasing moments...

[John Atkinson]

WE have a man here in our church, Bro Rick, who is from Trinidad. His mother was visiting with us and brought this song up from the islands the went like this:

The Holy Ghost power is moving just like a magnet
The Holy Ghost power is moving just like a magnet
Moving here, moving there, just like the day of Pentecost,
The Holy Ghost power is moving just like a magnet

Anyway, my daughter was about 5 at the time and latched right on to the song, only she coulnd't say "Magnet" right, so she would run around all day singing:

The Holy Ghost power is moving just like a maggot
The Holy Ghost power is moving just like a maggot
Moving here, moving there, just like the day of Pentecost,
The Holy Ghost power is moving just like a maggot

Hopefully, that is not toooo crude ;)

[Xerf]

I used to think (until quite recently) that when they were singing that song where a portion goes:

"where no one knows a care" (about heaven)

I thought they were saying:

"where no one KNOWS OR CARES"

(course I often wondered why heaven would be like HERE)


:rolleyes:

[bill]

:laugh:

When I was young, our church would sing that song "I wouldn't take nothing for my journey now..." and I always thought it went like this, "I wouldn't take nothing for my jersey cow...". The silly things kids do and say!

[bill]

XERF, You are hillarious!!!! This made me laugh out loud. So true, so true!!

[Webmaster]

hey Bill, the rest of that goes....I wouldn't take nothin for my jersey cow, gotta learn to milk her somehow, though she tries to kick me and knock me down.......

Here is another.......a little lengthy

I shall not be, I shall not be moved, I shall not be, I shall not be moved; I'll sit right here and hinder those around me.....I shall not be moved..

Verse 1: The preacher wore that yellow tie he knows I do not like, I should have stayed at home Love Boat is on tonight, I'll sit right here and hinder those around me, I shall not be moved....

Verse 2: I will be the first to testify of what God's done for me, but when they pass that offering plate, I will act like I don't see....I'll sit right here and hinder those around me, I shall not be moved.

[Xerf]

Verse 3: I have decided to finally be moved, its off to the restroom for me, I shall be moved, I shall be moved!


:rolleyes:

[Webmaster]

oh man XERF...........

I thought you would try something like this.....

"This is all lies! There is no one here who is not being moved! The infidels have all been moved....they are sorry they came here....and are moved truly."

[searching]

I knew of a pastor's wife who, while playing the piano and singing in the mike while service was going on, starting singing different words. Instead of,
"the devil don't allow no shouting around here,
The devil don't allow no shouting around here,
well, I don't care what the devil don't allow,
I'm gonna worship God anyhow
the devil don't allow no shouting around here"
(Which is actually a double negative, but it's a country church)

Instead she started singing
"momma don't allow no shouting around here
momma don't allow no shouting around here
well, I don't care what momma don't allow
I'm gonna worship God anyhow
momma don't allow no shouting around here"

She did this several times and never caught on to what she was saying.

Me...

[O2blikehim]

LOL!

[Webmaster]

Some will remember the song.....freedom in my soul, freedom in my soul, freedom in my soul since I've been born....

One choir back up home sang it so fast that it sounded suspiciously like...freetos between my toes...freetos between my toes....

[bishop1]

Some years ago We had a Minister and his wife visit us.
He was 89 at that time and still a fireball.
I had him preach for us on that sunday night and when he got to Isaih 3:16 'Moreover the Lord saith, Because the daughters of Zion are haughty, "
He preached for about 5 minutes on haughtyness then went on to
"and walk with stretched forth necks"
He then proceded to demonstrate hou the young women would prance and walk with stretched necks .
But what really brought the house down was the next part of the scripture !
"and WANTON eyes"
He said "Truely Saints, We are living in the Last Days !
Even My Wife's Eyes Are A Waxing Wanton"
and everybody in the church just looked at that pore little 86 year old sister.

He continued the sermon by saying "Just yesterday we was downtown window shopping, and she was a wanting this, and a wanting that, a wanting a new washing machine, wanting a new stove, wanting a new coat, and even wanting a new dress"
'Truely Saints we are surely a living in the last days"

I couldn't help myself either I was, along with the entire conregation, practically rolling with laughter.

[Webmaster]

That reminds me of an elder minister from Memphis! He told a story one time about one of his boys who used to hang around with Elvis. His boy played guitar, and he went over to Elvis to get the boy (shortly before the Graceland days) and he heard what he called "noise" coming from inside the trailer. He rapped on the door and when his boy answered, he grabbed him and hauled him out of there.....and said, "what in the world was that music you all were playing in there?" His boy answered, "HOUND DOG!" He said, "it must have been a hound dog, cause that noise would sure make one screech!"

[bishop1]

" My Shortest Sermon"

We were in revival at Christian Temple on Cortland Blvd.{in the old building} I seldom sit on the platform during the revival services and I was sitting on one of the old tongue and grove pews about the fifth row back. The pews were so old and worn that all of the slats were loose and the seats sagged under weight.

We were having a pop-corn type testamony service and as soon as one person finished another one would pop up. Bro.Dwight {weighing in at over 350 pounds } came in and sit on my pew. He started to feel real good and after about 15 minutes he popped up to testify !

My Oh My ! when he stood all of his weight was removed from that pew - And - Then - The - Slats - In - That - Pew -Closed - Together.
Yes I was caught, pinched, held captive, could not move, could not get released !
With tears streaming down my face from the pain 'I earnestly prayed for my release'. Bro.Dwight testimony went on - and on - and on - and on ! I began to pray for him to sit back down and Please GOD, Let Him Sit Back Down On This Pew ! Bro. Dwight Popped Back Down And I Popped Up With Tears streaming Down My Face. The Pastor asked if I wanted to say something right then.

ALL I COULD SAY WAS "I'm FREE - I'm FRee - THANK GOD ! I'm FREE"
People began to stream to the altar and several recieved the Holy Ghost that night.

[tufluv]

:laugh: :laugh: ThAT's gotta be the BEST ONE YET!! ROFL
:laugh: :laugh:

[foreverblessed]

This isn't a sermon blooper, but is about a special singer one night at our church.

My Dad was out of town, and had left the services in the hands of my brother-in-law who assisted him then. We really do have a nice church, and if my Dad had been present in the service, this would have NEVER gotten this far out of hand.

A brother in our church was called up to sing. He is a vietnam vet, and a little emotionally disturbed from the war, but was a good singer when he sang with sound tracks. For some reason he chose to sing with our musicians this night.

He began to sing, and started screeching! He has a high tenor voice, but he was just screeching, a very high pitched whine. I can mock him to the T, and it ain't pretty! :D People began to get uncomfortable because it was a little on the embarrassing side. The usual "bless him Lord's" began to be prayed all over the congregation. Soon those bless him Lords turned into giggles.

The man decided to stop and start all over again, this time it only got that much worse. Once again he stopped and said "the devil doesn't want me to sing tonight, but I am not letting him get his way" This fella is from KY sticks, so you can imagine how this was being said. He once again started to attempt to sing his song, which we never did hear any words, just screeching. This was complete with neck stretching and red face!! :D

Sometime in the middle people began to just laugh out loud. My sister who plays the organ finally got off the organ, walked off the platform to the prayer room in back, and laid down on a pew and just lost it. You could hear her just screaming in fits of laughter.

One by one, everyone left the sanctuary and went into the vestibule or bathrooms. We were all dying laughing. Wes never stopped his attempt to sing, he just kept on and on. What is worse is my brother in law just didn't know how to stop him, so he just let him continue. Never would have made it past the first screech if Dad had been there.

One lady in our church is quite an emotional person, who is a few french fries short of a happy meal (you know the ones that all churches have) was down between her pew, beating on the floor, face red from laughing so hard. I don't know which one was worse, her or the singer.

The only one who kept his composure throughout the whole song, if you want to call it that was the piano player. Gary was studying to be a mortician, and just sat there with a straight face and played the song. I don't know how he did it. I was one of the first to the bathroom, I have no tolerance for bad singers.

My brother in law ended up dismissing the service after he was finished (no recovering that service), we got out early thanks to good ol Wes.

After Dad returned and heard about it, somehow Wes's name never made it on the monthly singing schedule anymore.

[Webmaster]

:) :) Been through that elsewhere

[searching]

Speaking of singing...

There were about five women in my church that sang a song titled "Sisters in the Lord". It's a wonderful song, and when the man who helped out during the service got back to the pulpit, as serious as could be, he says, "Hallelujah, we are all sisters in the Lord". We all burst into laughter, and his face just turned red, as he was unfortunate enough to have been born without a funny bone.

Me...

[mfblume]

Humble pie time:

While preaching, I referred to a lady who once came into our service in bible study in midweek, to receive the Holy Ghost. She was from another church, got the Holy Ghost that night, and (oh well) went back to her own church.

I was going to say that I laid hands on her and she was slain out. And as I put my hand on her chin she started talking in tongues.

Well, in my mind I was deciding to either say "chin" or "mouth", and it all got tangled up and I said, "I put my mouth on her chin and she started talking in tongues!"

:redcool:

I never even knew I said it!

And Bro Hale was over in a conference with our district, and listed some of these mistakes off, and some sniveller in our church told him about mine. He laughed and mocked saying, "We're really close OUR pastor!" and "There are lineups in our altar service to get our pastor to pray for us."
whew!

[bishop1]

We were in revival in a large PAW church when a pre-teenage boy kept acting up during the service. The Pastor finally had enough, picked up the oil bottle and beckoned for me to help him pray for that child -
BUT
I couldn't quite bring myself tp pray sincerely because of the way the Pastor started. He Anointed the child with oil and I will never forget his prayer that night. He laid his hand on the child and loudly stated, " DEVIL, I COMMAND YOU TO COME OUT OF THIS LITTLE DEVIL, COME OUT NOW IN JESUSES' NAME"

[mfblume]

One preacher was getting a bit in the flesh and described the crucifixion as follows, with as much ugliness as possible to show much Jesus suffered:

"They beat HIm and whipped Him to a bloody mess! And the nailed his hands to the cross, and his feet...... and.... and.... THEY TORE BOTH HIS LEGS RIGHT OFF!"

[bishop1]

A well known conference preacher was at our church and preached his entire sermon about mounting up on eings of weagles !

[mfblume]

Haha! That reminds me of one preacher I knew who kept slipping up and doing it again after he said, "And suddenly there came a sound from heaven as of a RIGHTY MUSHING WIND"!!!!

He said it about two or three times in a row, trying to correct himself!

Its easy to do once you hear one person do it. Haha

[bishop1]

Years ago my dad had a visiting preacher who had just found out that his house was infested with termites. That sunday morning the evangelist preached that the world was in a termite, He thought that he was saying "This World is in a 'TURMOIL'.
He must have said in a termite at least 20 times but everyone seemed to hold it together
UNTIL
My Dad got up to dismiss. He said ; "Before we dismiss I need to make some announcements and I won't hold you but just a few 'Min - I T E S " Then - EVERYBODY LOST IT --
No Announcements
AND
Not Even A Dismissal Prayer !

[searching]

I was in service the night the assistant pastor preached on Jonah being in "the welly of the bale", and the more he tried correcting himself, the more he said it.

Me...

[bishop1]

My Brother-in-law pastors a Large Church. At the end of a lengthly Sunday Morning Service He had everyone stand and called on Bro. Dick to Dismiss.

He started his prayer as follows:
Precious JESUS, We are thankful for the food set before us, May it be nourishment for our bodies, Bless the Hands that prepared it , and then he paused because his wife was hitting him on his leg-
'and you could clearly hear her say " you idiot, you're saying the grace "

{where your heart is}

[Webmaster]

A prominent apostolic minister was having trouble remembering the names of people he would meet as he pastored a large church. If I remember right, he got ahold of a self help book about how to remember things by word association. He decided he would try to remedy his problem by using the advice found in the book.

One day he received a phone call from a gentleman who said he would be visiting the church that evening as he was looking for a church. When he hung up the phone, his wife asked him, "Honey, who was on the phone?" He answered, "That was Mr. Goose Tail, he will be attending the service this evening." She replied, "Are you sure his name was Goose Tail?" He answered, "Yes, honey, I am sure."

Later that evening, service started. There was a couple visiting and a single man. After the announcements were read, the pastor looked at the couple and said, "We are so glad that the Goose Tails are with us in service this evening!" Well, as you can imagine, that drew some rather blank looks. He then turned to the man and said, "Well, then, you must be Mr. Goose Tail!" The man said, "My name is Geistel. It is good to be here this evening." Taken aback by his obvious mistake, he decided he would try a little humor to diffuse the situation. "Well, you may be a Geistel, but you will always be a Goose Tail to us!" Man never did come back!

[bishop1]

My Dad prided himself by knowing all of the UPC's Indiana district by name so at the state conferences they usually placed him in charge of the Ministers attendance roster.

I was visiting with my Dad in his later years and drove him to a spring conference. I watched my dad write down each and every Minister's name on sight. He looked puzzeled and was stumped when he got to a young minister from Lafayette. Not wanting anyone to know that he couldn't remember the young ministers name he thought of the obvious solution to the problem.

My Dad, with the clip board firmly in hand, looked straight into the yong ministers eyes and clearly said;
"Young Man, Exactly How Do You Spell Your Name"?
The Young Minister replied ;
" J _ O _ N _ E _ S "