dealing with domestic violence

[witness4jesus]

2Sa 13:1 And it came to pass after this, that Absalom the son of David had a fair sister, whose name was Tamar; and Amnon the son of David loved her.
2Sa 13:2 And Amnon was so vexed, that he fell sick for his sister Tamar; for she was a virgin; and Amnon thought it hard for him to do any thing to her.
2Sa 13:3 But Amnon had a friend, whose name was Jonadab, the son of Shimeah David's brother: and Jonadab was a very subtil man.
2Sa 13:4 And he said unto him, Why art thou, being the king's son, lean from day to day? wilt thou not tell me? And Amnon said unto him, I love Tamar, my brother Absalom's sister.
2Sa 13:5 And Jonadab said unto him, Lay thee down on thy bed, and make thyself sick: and when thy father cometh to see thee, say unto him, I pray thee, let my sister Tamar come, and give me meat, and dress the meat in my sight, that I may see it, and eat it at her hand.
2Sa 13:6 So Amnon lay down, and made himself sick: and when the king was come to see him, Amnon said unto the king, I pray thee, let Tamar my sister come, and make me a couple of cakes in my sight, that I may eat at her hand.
2Sa 13:7 Then David sent home to Tamar, saying, Go now to thy brother Amnon's house, and dress him meat.
2Sa 13:8 So Tamar went to her brother Amnon's house; and he was laid down. And she took flour, and kneaded it, and made cakes in his sight, and did bake the cakes.
2Sa 13:9 And she took a pan, and poured them out before him; but he refused to eat. And Amnon said, Have out all men from me. And they went out every man from him.
2Sa 13:10 And Amnon said unto Tamar, Bring the meat into the chamber, that I may eat of thine hand. And Tamar took the cakes which she had made, and brought them into the chamber to Amnon her brother.
2Sa 13:11 And when she had brought them unto him to eat, he took hold of her, and said unto her, Come lie with me, my sister.
2Sa 13:12 And she answered him, Nay, my brother, do not force me; for no such thing ought to be done in Israel: do not thou this folly.
2Sa 13:13 And I, whither shall I cause my shame to go? and as for thee, thou shalt be as one of the fools in Israel. Now therefore, I pray thee, speak unto the king; for he will not withhold me from thee.
2Sa 13:14 Howbeit he would not hearken unto her voice: but, being stronger than she, forced her, and lay with her.
2Sa 13:15 Then Amnon hated her exceedingly; so that the hatred wherewith he hated her was greater than the love wherewith he had loved her. And Amnon said unto her, Arise, be gone.
2Sa 13:16 And she said unto him, There is no cause: this evil in sending me away is greater than the other that thou didst unto me. But he would not hearken unto her.
2Sa 13:17 Then he called his servant that ministered unto him, and said, Put now this woman out from me, and bolt the door after her.
2Sa 13:18 And she had a garment of divers colours upon her: for with such robes were the king's daughters that were virgins apparelled. Then his servant brought her out, and bolted the door after her.
2Sa 13:19 And Tamar put ashes on her head, and rent her garment of divers colours that was on her, and laid her hand on her head, and went on crying.
2Sa 13:20 And Absalom her brother said unto her, Hath Amnon thy brother been with thee? but hold now thy peace, my sister: he is thy brother; regard not this thing. So Tamar remained desolate in her brother Absalom's house.

While the case of Tamar is not about a husband and wife, it does bring up the issue of women being abused by a loved one. Absalom's answer was to kill his half-brother. David's family may have had problems due to his own infidelity. There are women even in church who deal with the issue of abuse, domestic violence. What is the biblical answer to dealing with abuse, in your family, in your home?

The law has made quite a living out of the issue of domestic violence. What ends up happening is that the man and woman seldom reconcile. Restraining orders, repeated trips to jail do not help. I know a woman at work who has a permanent restraining order against her ex. Sad.

While I am not excusing at all the abuser, I just wonder if there is another response that could be better, biblically, than using the police to solve family problems.

I can testify that I prayed for my husband, and God delivered him of an abusive spirit. While our marriage is still mending, it takes much to be able to fix this type of problem. I am not advocating that women put themselves in danger, but that there be, particularly in church, efforts to help both abuser and the abused to come to grips with the issue.

sis pam

[Melody]

2Sa 13:1 And it came to pass after this, that Absalom the son of David had a fair sister, whose name was Tamar; and Amnon the son of David loved her.
2Sa 13:2 And Amnon was so vexed, that he fell sick for his sister Tamar; for she was a virgin; and Amnon thought it hard for him to do any thing to her.
2Sa 13:3 But Amnon had a friend, whose name was Jonadab, the son of Shimeah David's brother: and Jonadab was a very subtil man.
2Sa 13:4 And he said unto him, Why art thou, being the king's son, lean from day to day? wilt thou not tell me? And Amnon said unto him, I love Tamar, my brother Absalom's sister.
2Sa 13:5 And Jonadab said unto him, Lay thee down on thy bed, and make thyself sick: and when thy father cometh to see thee, say unto him, I pray thee, let my sister Tamar come, and give me meat, and dress the meat in my sight, that I may see it, and eat it at her hand.
2Sa 13:6 So Amnon lay down, and made himself sick: and when the king was come to see him, Amnon said unto the king, I pray thee, let Tamar my sister come, and make me a couple of cakes in my sight, that I may eat at her hand.
2Sa 13:7 Then David sent home to Tamar, saying, Go now to thy brother Amnon's house, and dress him meat.
2Sa 13:8 So Tamar went to her brother Amnon's house; and he was laid down. And she took flour, and kneaded it, and made cakes in his sight, and did bake the cakes.
2Sa 13:9 And she took a pan, and poured them out before him; but he refused to eat. And Amnon said, Have out all men from me. And they went out every man from him.
2Sa 13:10 And Amnon said unto Tamar, Bring the meat into the chamber, that I may eat of thine hand. And Tamar took the cakes which she had made, and brought them into the chamber to Amnon her brother.
2Sa 13:11 And when she had brought them unto him to eat, he took hold of her, and said unto her, Come lie with me, my sister.
2Sa 13:12 And she answered him, Nay, my brother, do not force me; for no such thing ought to be done in Israel: do not thou this folly.
2Sa 13:13 And I, whither shall I cause my shame to go? and as for thee, thou shalt be as one of the fools in Israel. Now therefore, I pray thee, speak unto the king; for he will not withhold me from thee.
2Sa 13:14 Howbeit he would not hearken unto her voice: but, being stronger than she, forced her, and lay with her.
2Sa 13:15 Then Amnon hated her exceedingly; so that the hatred wherewith he hated her was greater than the love wherewith he had loved her. And Amnon said unto her, Arise, be gone.
2Sa 13:16 And she said unto him, There is no cause: this evil in sending me away is greater than the other that thou didst unto me. But he would not hearken unto her.
2Sa 13:17 Then he called his servant that ministered unto him, and said, Put now this woman out from me, and bolt the door after her.
2Sa 13:18 And she had a garment of divers colours upon her: for with such robes were the king's daughters that were virgins apparelled. Then his servant brought her out, and bolted the door after her.
2Sa 13:19 And Tamar put ashes on her head, and rent her garment of divers colours that was on her, and laid her hand on her head, and went on crying.
2Sa 13:20 And Absalom her brother said unto her, Hath Amnon thy brother been with thee? but hold now thy peace, my sister: he is thy brother; regard not this thing. So Tamar remained desolate in her brother Absalom's house.

While the case of Tamar is not about a husband and wife, it does bring up the issue of women being abused by a loved one. Absalom's answer was to kill his half-brother. David's family may have had problems due to his own infidelity. There are women even in church who deal with the issue of abuse, domestic violence. What is the biblical answer to dealing with abuse, in your family, in your home?

The law has made quite a living out of the issue of domestic violence. What ends up happening is that the man and woman seldom reconcile. Restraining orders, repeated trips to jail do not help. I know a woman at work who has a permanent restraining order against her ex. Sad.

While I am not excusing at all the abuser, I just wonder if there is another response that could be better, biblically, than using the police to solve family problems.

I can testify that I prayed for my husband, and God delivered him of an abusive spirit. While our marriage is still mending, it takes much to be able to fix this type of problem. I am not advocating that women put themselves in danger, but that there be, particularly in church, efforts to help both abuser and the abused to come to grips with the issue.

sis pam

Col 3:17 And whatsoever ye do in word or deed, [do] all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by him.
Col 3:18 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.
Col 3:19 Husbands, love [your] wives, and be not bitter against them.

Domestic violence can not be unilaterally resolved. The abuser must truly repent and cease the abuse and the abusee must be willing to forgive and forget. And if there is only one-sided obedience the relationship cannot be healed. If the abuser will not cease, then the relationship is broken. Or if the abusee will not forgive the relationship is broken. Either way, God will not "force" anyone against their own will. And to repeatedly allow an abuser to abuse yourself or your children is not prudent or scriptural.
Is there a place for biblical counseling in these matters? Of course, but counseling profits nothing if it is not complied with. My husband and I used to go the counselling sessions and marriage seminars and all that he received from them was more ammunition to blast me with. He never accepted his responsibility for his actions. It was always MY fault he lost his temper. I was falsely accused of a myriad of sins and transgressions against him and if I tried to defend myself I was a liar.

[Sis]

I've worked with people in this situation and it's very sad indeed. But when people tell them to reconcile and try to get them to work it out, they're just sending the victim back into the lion's den.

Abusers rarely change. They hurt the ones they profess to love, but the need for total unquestioning control is too strong. They don't want to fight it, and it truly IS difficult. God CAN change things but the abuser has to want to, and most of them don't.

Psychologists say that Sex crimes and abuse (both are a need for control) are ones that are almost impossible to get people to quit. Even with anger management and all that.

In this world, people are being told to not discipline their children. Not just no spanking, but to let them be themselves. Children want limits. They need them, and our job is to raise them in the way they should go. But I'm afraid we have a generation of angry people. Most of the anger comes from not being diciplined.

See, dicipline really trains your child to live in the world by the rules. You teach your child what is acceptable and what is not acceptable in polite company. If your child is not disciplined, you will see frustration and anger.

I said all that to say this....... Don't judge a situation, and if you don't understand what's really going on, don't give advice that could get a person killed.

Abused women are always in danger of being killed at any time, but when they leave their abuser, they are in the most danger. It's a horrible way to live and if you try to get a wife to feel guilty, which she already does, you're just adding to the problems.

The abuser has along with physical abuse, used verbal abuse to make the victim feel like it's her fault. Like if she had done things differently, the abuse wouldn't be happening. If she HAD done things differently, the abuser would've found another reason for his rage.

I heard one time a LAWYER for the woman told her to go home and quit acting like a baby just because she had a little fight with her husband, and don't try running away from home. She ended up in the hospital.

These guys try to control every move. A woman has to account for every minute of her day. He checks the gas guage against what she said. If she says she only went to the store, and there was more gas used, she will be beat because she lied to him. He wants to know who called, what was said, where the kids were all day, what they said, what the mail was for HER, if she answered it, and more. Much more.

I know it's sad, but you won't find Bible for sending a victim back into THAT! BTW, restraining orders aren't much good if the guy stands across the street and shoots her. The abusers I have known, don't care about restraining orders. They can be in, abuse, and out before the cops get there, then it's up to the WOMAN to prove HE did it.

Perhaps your husband was in the beginnings of it, and he WANTED to be a good man, but most abusers don't. They want the control more than they want God. they are not in the will of God and most of them don't care.

Counselors tell the woman if they want to try to work things out, they should separate so the temptation to abuse won't get in the way of counseling. Again, God CAN but God needs a willing person, too. Most abusers aren't willing.

I keep saying it on this board and a couple of others, until you've walked a mile in someone's shoes, don't judge. You will be judged as harshly as you judge others.

[Abigail4476]

I'm not one for long, copied and pasted essays, but I'm about to break my own rule, because the following is a great study.

[Abigail4476]

The purpose of this study is to offer batterers the knowledge of the scriptural definition of abuse, and its guidelines for the batterer and victim.

We will discuss:

*Recognition that this behavior is sinful,

*Repentance for wrongdoing,

*Resolve to change the behavior,

*Reconciliation to God and family, and

*Offering the battered woman an alternative to the popularly held view that the only option for an abused woman is to leave forever.

1) Recognition of violence as sin: Isaiah 59:1-15
2) Repentance focuse don himself: Romans 2:1-16
3) Resolve to be like God: Romans 5
4) Reconcile himself to God's will: Romans 12

[Abigail4476]

Recognizing signs of a battering personality:

If at least 3 of these signs are present, existing violence or escalation to violence is likely. The longer the batterer/victim relationship exists without intervention, the more of these behaviors will appear and/or worsen.


Jealousy/Envy – Jealousy is not love. This has to do with possessiveness. He will question the woman about who she talks to, who talks to her, call to check on her frequently, drop by unexpectedly, accuse her of flirting, refuse to let her have a job, ask friends to help him spy on her, check her car mileage, be jealous of time she spends with family or friends. He may insist, “If you love me, I’m all you need”.

Job 5:2
Proverbs 6:34
Proverbs 14:30
Romans 13:13
II Corinthians 12:20
Galatians 5:19-21
James 3:10-18

Controlling behavior – The batterer is convinced he must make all the decisions, even about minor things such as housekeeping, what she wears, her hairdo, where she can go, who with; she may have a curfew; he will handle all the money. She may not be allowed a job, a car, bank account, or credit in her own name.

Proverbs 31:10-31
Ezekiel 18:24

Misguided sense of self – Batterers often think of themselves as totally unique individuals whom “no one really understands”. If he becomes angry or violent, he insists that his wife forced him into a confrontation or “drove him to it”. However, the truth is that all batterers exhibit the same personality traits, do the same things over and over, have the same insecurities, even use the exact same phrases on their spouses.

I Cor. 10:13
Genesis 49:6-7
Job 5:2
Psalms 37:8
Ecclesiastes 7:9

Quick involvement – Many battered women knew or dated their abusers for only a short time before being seriously involved or even married. Abusers often pressure the victim to commit quickly in such a way as to make the woman feel guilty if they have objections or wish to slow down. He charms her into doing exactly what HE wants.

Unrealistic expectation of the woman’s role – The batterer expects the woman to “stay in her place”. She is supposed to be the perfect wife, mother, lover and friend. She is expected to “take care of him” and be satisfied by that role. He may say that woman should be “barefoot and pregnant” and express the view that women cannot handle a man’s job (finances, holding down outside employment, discussing politics, etc.). Also, she is not allowed to express feelings or opinions without being afraid of the reaction. He may remind his wife and children of all he does for them (I.e., food, clothing, and shelter) and claim that he is only “used” for his money.

Proverbs 31:10-31


Isolation – The abuser tries to cut the woman off from everyone. If you have male friends, you’re a “whore”, female friends, you’re a “lesbian”, if close to family, you need to grow up. She may not be allowed to use the phone or car, may not even have access to those things, not allowed to attend school or church, or hold down a job.
Blames others for problems and feelings – The batterer may feel he “never gets a break” or suffer from paranoia, as in “someone is out to get him”. The woman is at fault for upsetting him. He claims “you make me mad”. He uses feelings to manipulate her. The woman is at fault for anything that goes wrong. He may also feel anger towards his parents for their neglect and/or abuse of him.

Ezekiel 18:30
Romans 14:12
II Timothy 2:19-26
Psalms 37:8-10

Hypersensitivity – Abusers are very easily insulted. They fly into a rage over imagined slights or ordinary setbacks like getting a ticket, having a flat, being asked to help with the children or chores, and view all questions or differences of opinion as a personal affront.. However, they are very hypocritical about this point, as the victim is supposed to take any verbal or physical attack without complaint.

Psalms 119:165
Proverbs 14:29
Proverbs 15:18
Proverbs 22:24
Proverbs 29:8


Cruelty to children or animals – Batterers ignore children’s feelings and pain; expect them to perform things beyond their abilities, may tease them until they cry and then punish them for reacting. The abuser will over-react to childishness (see 8 above), expecting children to stay in their rooms all evening, and not let them eat at the table; they can be brutal to animals, seeing them as possessions only, ignoring their pain and suffering.

Colossians 3:21
Ephesians 6:4
Proverbs 11:17
Exodus 21:22
Ecclesiastes 3:19
Matthew 18:10


Use of force in sex – A batterer may speak of keeping his wife in line by “raping her”, or keeping her pregnant. He shows no concern over whether his wife wants to have sex; may even be excited by her unwillingness; may demand sex when his wife is asleep, tired or even ill. He may like to imagine her helpless; may use anger to manipulate her into compliance. He may eventually seek other “interests”, while blaming his wife for not fulfilling him, thus trying to excuse his actions.

*Song of Solomon
*I Peter 3:7
*Isaiah 54:6


Verbal abuse – He says things that are cruel, hurtful; degrading her, cursing at her, and running down her accomplishments. He tells her “no one else would want you”; may keep her awake by verbal abuse, or awaken her to yelling. May scream for hours about imagined injustice to him, not caring who he disturbs or upsets. May threaten to kill her, and/or the children.

*Proverbs 15:1-4
*Proverbs 30:33
*Proverbs 13:16
*Colossians 3:19, 21
*Philippians 4:8
*Luke 6:45

No sense of timing – Batterers feel that they have the exclusive right to choose when a confrontation is in order. Place, time of day, or anyone else’s feelings are not considered. They delight in catching people off guard or at a vulnerable time.

*Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Rigid gender roles – The woman is expected to obey in all things, even to the extent of lying to cover up for him, or engaging in criminal activity; she is expected to perform menial tasks. The abuser makes the woman believe she is inferior to men, or not a whole person without a man to guide her. If she is unhappy, he tells her she is ungrateful for what he does for her, and she deserves nothing better.

*Mal. 2:14-16

Split personality – Many women are confused by their abuser’s ability to change from “Dr. Jekyll” to “Mr. Hyde” in a flash. One minute he is nice, the next he is exploding. These behaviors are related to hypersensitivity also. The batterer may tell his wife that “she drives him crazy”, but around other people, he is able to control himself, thus his blaming her is simply his refusal to take responsibility for his own actions. Other people may view this man as jovial, friendly, and the life of the party.

*James 3:10-18

Past battering – Situational circumstances do not make a person an abusive personality. The woman may hear of past violent episodes, but he will claim “they made me do it”, or “they drove me to it”.

*Ecclesiastes 7:8-9
*Psalms 140:1, 4, 11
*Psalms 11:5
*Proverbs 10:6, 11

Threats of violence – Usually verbal abuse comes first (#11). A batterer may threaten for years, “prepping” his mate mentally, before actually striking her. Some examples are: “I’ll break your neck”, “I’ll slap your mouth off”, “I’ll throw you through that wall”, “There’s no telling what you’ll make me do to you”, or “I’ll knock you into the middle of next week”. Most people do not threaten their mates, but batterers excuse this by saying, “Everybody talks like that”.

*Proverbs 15:18
*Proverbs 20:3
*Proverbs 29:22
*Proverbs 16:24,27
*Proverbs 10:6

Breaking, hitting, or throwing objects – This can be used as punishment (breaking possessions), or to terrorizing the woman into submission. This signifies extreme emotional immaturity, similar to a toddler throwing a tantrum. There is no scripture in the Bible that gives a man permission to “discipline” or “correct” his wife. The commonly referred to scripture for this purpose is I Peter 3:1 which states that “wives be in subjection to your own husbands”. The definition of the word “subjection” in that reference is as follows: A Greek military term meaning: "to arrange [troop divisions] in a military fashion under the command of a leader". In non-military use, it was "a voluntary attitude of giving in, cooperating, assuming responsibility, and carrying a burden".

*Exodus 21:15-37
*Proverbs 11:29


Any force during an argument – This may involve a batterer holding a woman down, preventing her from leaving the room, pushing her, holding her against the wall saying “you’re going to listen to me”.

*Psalms 73:6, 8
*Proverbs 4:14-17
*Proverbs 16:32

False charm – The batterer loves to portray himself as a victim of his circumstances. They are often pathological liars, making up any story to prove their point. He will discredit his wife in such a sly way as to make himself look like the longsuffering good guy, i.e., he would never consider divorce, abandon his children, or leave his difficult wife to fend for herself.

*Ephesians 4:25
*Proverbs 13:5
*Proverbs 6:17
*Proverbs 12:22
*Proverbs 10:18
*Proverbs 19:9

Uses the Bible against his wife – Batterers are very good at twisting scripture to justify their behavior. However, the Bible is very clear, in both the Old and New Testaments, that violent behavior is ungodly.

*Titus 2,3
*Romans 13:13
*Proverbs 21:23-24
*Psalms 7:11-16
*Colossians 3:8,19,21
*Ephesians 4:30-32

Family history of violence – This is not an excuse for violent behavior, but it does shape a person’s behavior. A man’s primary example (usually) for how a man treats a woman is his own father.

*Proverbs 3:33
*Exodus 20:5
*Exodus 34:7
*Numbers 14:18
*Psalms 78:8
*Proverbs 30:12-14

[Abigail4476]

Questions for Men:
Have you ever committed any of the following acts upon a wife or girlfriend?

________Slapping

________Shaking

________Punching

________Beating

________Biting

________Pulling Hair

________Pushing

________Pinching

________Kicking

________Stabbing

________Tickling Excessively

________Restraining

________Forcing unwanted sexual acts

________Locking her out of the house

________Destroying property

________Hurting Pets

________Physical Assault of any kind

[Abigail4476]

Questions for Women:
Have you ever had any of the following acts done to you by a husband or a boyfriend?

________Slapping

________Shaking

________Punching

________Beating

________Biting

________Pulling Hair

________Pushing

________Pinching

________Kicking

________Stabbing

________Tickling Excessively

________Restraining

________Being forced into unwanted sexual acts

________Locking you out of the house

________Destroying property

________Hurting Pets

________Physical Assault of any kind

[Abigail4476]

Repentance / Resolution:


*Ezekiel 18:21
*Jonah 3:8-10
As with any other behavior, violence and abuse must be recognized as sin before true repentance can be accomplished.

Repentance is defined in the dictionary as “to feel sorrow for one’s sin and determine to do what is right”. This two –fold description is reinforced in scripture.

*John 8:11

*I Kings 8:47-48

*Ezekiel 14:6

*Ezekiel 18:30-31

*Acts 3:19

*Acts 26:20

Strife (violent confrontation) is specifically named as a work of the flesh in Galatians 5:19-21. Also mentioned are jealousy, hatred and wrath (violent anger). These characteristics can all be directly related to battering behavior as discussed in the previous section titled “Recognition”.

This behavior is addictive and change will be difficult. However, batterers can learn to control themselves. They must learn new behavior.

1. Ephesians 4:26 – The difference between being angry and sinning.


2. Philippians 4:11, Hebrews 13:5-6 – Do not allow outside circumstances to influence behavior


3. Ephesians 4:30-32, Colossians 3:8, 19 – To treat his wife properly, as God intended.


4. Proverbs 16:29-30, Romans 14:12 – To take responsibility for his own actions, and not to justify his wrong and sinful actions


5. I Peter 3:17-13 – Compassion for other’s feelings, especially those of his wife

[Abigail4476]

Reconciliation:
Colossians 1:20-22
Romans 12:9-16

There must be reconciliation worked by God in the sinner’s heart, so that he becomes changed in his attitude toward God, and so that he is persuaded to receive the reconciliation accomplished at the cross. (Romans 5:11). Christians have a part in this, bearing the word of reconciliation committed to them (II Corinthians 5:19) and beseeching men “Be ye reconciled to God” (II Corinthians 5:20).

The batterer must have a support system for this stage. This does not mean he makes excuses for violent behavior. If an alcoholic wishes to be delivered, do we encourage him to “stop a little at a time”? Of course not! He must learn to recognize in himself that this is a “besetting sin”, and treat it accordingly. He must recognize what triggers this behavior in himself, and learn to control and change his reactions to situations. Never let down your guard against something that has controlled you, and will eventually destroy you. (Hebrews 12:1) God’s chastening is painful, but it must be endured or we are not God’s children.

Finally, not only must the batterer be willing to ask God’s forgiveness and be reconciled unto Him; he must be willing to ask for his wife and families’ forgiveness, so that he can be reconciled to them. However, this does not mean that he can return to the way he was before. The Pastor may request or require that since this is not only sinful behavior, but dangerous and criminal behavior, that the victim and the abuser stay away from each other as necessary, until the bulk of the problem be resolved, and it can be determined whether the husband has control of his sinful battering behavior.

Genesis 27:43-45

Proverbs 22:24-25

James 2:10-11 – We must not differentiate between sins

James 1:12 – Remember there is a blessing for the man who is able to resist temptation.

[Abigail4476]

Resources:
Suggested Reading Material


Broken and Battered, Muriel Canfield
Battered into Submission: The Tragedy of Wife Abuse in the Christian Home, James Alsdurf & Phyllis Alsdurf
The Battered Wife: How Christians Confront Family Violence, Nancy Clark Nason
Christian Men Who Hate Women: Healing Hurting Relationships, Margaret J inck
Silence is Deadly: Judaism Confronts Wife Beating, Lloyd Biggle, Jr.
Family Violence and Religion: An Interfaith Resource Guide, David Charlsen
Spouse Abuse: A Basic Profile, Lenore E. Walker
Abuse and Religion, Anne L. Horton, Judith A. Williamson
Obsessive Love, Susan Forward & Craig Buck
Toxic Parents, Susan Forward & Craig Buck
Counseling Victims of Family Violence, Mary Pellauer
Boys Will be Boys, Myriam Miedzian
Women Who Love Too Much, Robin Norwood
Failure to Scream, Robert Hicks
Hitting Home, Abigail McCarthy

[Abigail4476]

Safety Plan

Name: __________________________________________________ _
Date: __________________________________________________ __

The following steps represent my plan for increasing my safety and preparing in advance for the possibility of further violence. Although I do not have control over my husband’s violence, I do have a choice about how to respond to him and how to best get myself and my children to safety.

STEP 1
SAFETY IN A VIOLENT ENVIRONMENT

I cannot always avoid violent incidents. In order to increase my safety, I can, though, use a variety of strategies.

A. If I decide to leave in an emergency, I will practice how to get out safely. What doors, windows, elevators, stairwells, or fire escapes would I use? I can teach these strategies to my children:

B. I can teach my children to call 911.

C. I can teach my children to flee the house or hide during a violent situation. I must instruct them to
never try to break up a violent incident.

D. I can keep my purse and car keys or copies ready and put them:
if I have to leave quickly.

E. I can tell the following people about the violence and request they call the police if they hear
suspicious noises coming from my house or see a certain signal initiated, as the porch light
on during the day.

F. I will use __________ as a code word to signal my children or my friends to call for help.

F. When I expect my husband and I are going to have an argument, I will try to move to a space that is least risky, such as:

*I will try to avoid arguments in the bathroom, garage, kitchen, near weapons, or in rooms without an outside exit.
*If possible I will run from the house or to a room with an inside door lock. I can buy a rope ladder for the room with the lock and also install a telephone so that I can call 911.
H. During an attack, I can wrap my arms around my head to protect it from blows and curl up to protect my stomach. Generally, I will not verbally defend myself or argue with him during a beating, for he is irrational and might become more violent. If I feel that I can act in self-defense (hit, run, scream for help because it is nearby) to save further injury, I will. After an attack I will see a doctor to assess the injuries. I may be more severely hurt than I realize. I recognize the importance of reporting this assault to the police.



STEP 2A
SAFETY WHEN PREPARING TO LEAVE YOUR HUSBAND

Leaving is a risky time, for your husband might retaliate, so plan carefully how you will depart. Size up the enemy. Of course, don’t tell him you are leaving. Leave when he is out, or if that is not possible, tell him you are going on an errand.

A. I can use some or all of the following safety strategies: I will decide with whom I can leave the following items: money, an extra set of car and house keys, clothes for the children and myself. If I don’t have a car, I will determine in advance if I can take a bus, train, or borrow a car.

B. Places to go if I leave my home: If you choose a private home, phone the owner and ask permission. A shelter may be listed here as an option as well. Call in advance and find out the procedure. __________________

C. I will decide where I can hide important documents in my house to grab quickly when I flee.

D. If possible, I will try to take the following items when I leave. Those that I can gather in advance, I will hide.

The Safety Plan
My birth certificate
Children’s birth certificates
Social Security cards
School and vaccination records
Money
Checkbook, ATM card
Credit cards
Keys: house, car, office
Driver’s license and car registration
Welfare identification
Work permits
Passport(s)
Marriage license
Divorce papers
All medical records
Lease/rental agreement
House deed mortgage-payment book
Bankbooks
Insurance papers
Small saleable objects
Address book
Photographs
Jewelry
Children’s toys and/or blankets

Items of special sentimental value
E. Telephone numbers I need to know:

• Crisis hotline: memorize it!
National Domestic Violence Hotline
(800) 799—SAFE (7233)

• Police station, school security force, and work security force

• Children’s schools and my school (if applicable)

• My work number and my supervisor’s home number

• Battered Women’s crisis and shelter numbers

• Minister, if he is supportive

• County registry where I can register my restraining order.
(There may not be such a system available to you. If there is, it is easier for a police officer to arrest your husband should he violate his restraining order.)

• Other telephone numbers

_____________________________________________

_____________________________________________

_____________________________________________

F I will open a savings account to increase my independence by the
following date: ________________



G. I can keep change for phone calls on me at all times. I understand that if I use my telephone credit card, the following month the telephone bill will tell my batterer whose numbers I called. To keep my telephone communications confidential, I must either use coins or I might borrow a friend’s telephone credit card number for a limited time.

H. I will review the Safety Plan every month to reevaluate the safest way to leave my residence. Review dates:

________________

________________

________________

I. Names of violence-against-women advocates or friends who will help me review this plan periodically.

___________________________________

___________________________________

___________________________________

J. I will rehearse my escape plan and, as appropriate, practice it with my children.

STEP2B
I AM NOT READY TO LEAVE YET

But I can do the following things to prepare for my future, should I leave:

A. Return to school to update skills.

B. Explore sources of supplemental aid.

C. Find out about free day care, should I need it.

D. Find out how to apply for welfare, as well as what income and services to expect. Write a projected budget.

E. Find out how to apply for assisted housing. You can call your local YWCA, Coalition of Labor Union Women, Department of Human Services, or Social Service organizations for information about these programs. Other ideas for increasing my independence are:

__________________________________________________ ____

__________________________________________________ ____

__________________________________________________ ____

__________________________________________________ ____

[Abigail4476]

STEP 3
SAFETY IN MY OWN RESIDENCE AND OUTER ENVIRONMENT, AFTER LEAVING

There are many things I can do to increase my safety in my residence. It may be impossible to do everything at once, hut safety measures can he added step by step.

A. I can change the locks on my doors and windows as soon as possible. I can install solid-core doors with dead bolts.

B. I can install an electronic security system. I can use window bars and poles to wedge against doors. I can buy an alarm device (about $9.99) to attach to the doorknob. The alarm buzzes loudly if someone breaks in, alerting both me and my neighbors (I’ll tell them about it) that someone is in the house. I can get a dog that harks loudly. It is vital to know if your abuser has broken in. One woman reports that her abuser crawled in through an upstairs window and brandished a knife at her, threatening to cut off her hands. Fortunately she escaped.

C. I can purchase rope ladders to escape from second-floor windows.

D. I can install smoke detectors and purchase fire extinguishers for each floor in my residence. Your abuser might set your house on fire.

E. I can install an outside lighting system that lights up when a person nears my house.

F. I can trim back bushes and vegetation around my house.

G. I can ask a couple at church to stay with me if I am particularly frightened.

H. I will have my children memorize a few telephone numbers to phone collect should my husband abduct them (list numbers): ________________________________________
________________________________________ ________________________________________
I. I will tell people who take care of my children which people have permission to pick them up. I will stress that my husband is not permitted to do so. The people I will list for pick-up permission are:

• At school
_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________

• At day care
_____________________________________________ _____________________________________________
• At babysitter’s _____________________________________________ _____________________________________________

• At Sunday school _____________________________________________ _____________________________________________

• At my parents’ or other relatives’ _____________________________________________ _____________________________________________

• Others
_____________________________________________ _____________________________________________
J. I can inform the listed contacts, as well as friends and neighbors, that my husband no longer resides with me and they should call the police if he is observed near any of the listed settings or my residence. Should my neighbors not know him, I can provide a photograph. (List friends and neighbors.) _____________________________________________ _____________________________________________ _____________________________________________

STEP 4
SAFETY WITH A RESTRAINING ORDER

I realize that many batterers obey restraining orders, but no one can be sure who will and who will not. I realize that I must be particu­larly careful as violence can escalate when there is a restraining order. I also recognize that I have a fifty-fifty chance of being stalked. I will take the following actions to help the enforcement of my restraining order.

A. I will keep it on or near my person. If I change purses, the order will be transferred first.

B. I will give copies of it to police departments in the communities where I live, work, visit family or friends, and to the county registry of restraining orders (if one exists).

C. For further safety, if I often visit other counties in my state, I can file my restraining order with the court in those counties. I will register my restraining order in the following counties: _____________________________________________ _____________________________________________

D. If I move to a new state, I will call the district attorney and list my restraining order, for it is valid in any state. I must always have it on my person.

E. I can call the local violence-against-women program if I am not sure about any items concerning my restraining order.

F. I will inform the following people that I have a restraining order in effect (my employer, my minister, my closest friends, relatives):

G. If my husband destroys my copy of the restraining order, I can get another copy from the courthouse located at: ____________________________________________ ____________________________________________

H. If my husband violates the restraining order, I can call the police to report the violation, contact my attorney, call my advocate, and/or advise the court of the violation.

I. If the police do not help, I can contact my advocate or attorney and file a complaint with the chief of police.

J. I can also file a private criminal complaint at the district attorney’s office or police station in the jurisdiction where the violation occurred. Each item my abuser violated is a crime, and I can charge him with each violation. I can call a violence-against-women advocate to help with this procedure.

STEP 5
SAFETY ON THE JOB AND IN PUBLIC

I must decide whom I will tell that I am separated from my husband, explaining why I am at risk to be injured. (If possible, choose people who will appreciate your need for safety.)

A. I can inform my boss, the security supervisor, and the following people at work of my situation: _____________________________________________ _____________________________________________ _____________________________________________

B. I can ask_________________ to help screen my phone calls at work.

C. When leaving work, I can take these actions to be sure I get safely into my car:

• Have two people walk me to my car.

• Wear a bracelet that blares an alarm when the button is pressed.

• Carry a container of mace.

D. When driving home, if my husband follows me, I can do the following:

• Invest in a cellular phone and call 911.

• If all else fails and I am trapped and must pull over, I can lock the doors, lean on the horn, and yell fire, hoping to attract help.

E. If I use the public transit and my husband appears, I can:

• Carry a cellular phone and call 911.

• Inform the driver of my problem and ask him to radio for help.

F I can shop at different grocery stores and shopping malls and go at different hours than I did when I lived with my husband.

C. I can choose a new bank and go at different hours than I did when living with my husband.

H. I will list ways to prevent my husband from abducting the children at school or attacking me there. (You might have to change schools to be safe. If you have moved to a different school district to escape your husband, inform your children’s principal of the risk and ask how his staff can best keep your children’s presence secret from your husband. Stress the gravity of your situation. Many times husbands track down their wives through learning where the children go to school.) _____________________________________________ ____________________________________________

I. I will inform my pastor that my husband might show up and harm me or abduct our children. With my pastor’s help, I will develop safety measures at church. You might have to change churches, difficult as that may be, because church is one place your husband knows where to find you.

J. To assure my safety in public (eating out, walking, going to church), I can also:
_____________________________________________ _____________________________________________

[Abigail4476]

STEP 6

SAFEGUARDING MY SPIRITUAL AND EMOTIONAL HEALTH

Battering and/or verbal degradation has emotionally exhausted you.
The process of building a new life for yourself takes courage and incredible energy.

A. If I feel down and ready to return to an abusive situation, I will do the following things to avoid it: _____________________________________________ _____________________________________________ _____________________________________________


B. When I have to communicate with my husband in person or by tele­phone,
I will do the following things to lessen emotional turmoil: _____________________________________________ _____________________________________________ _____________________________________________

C. I will memorize scriptures that assure me the Lord is with me. I will
meditate on these verses when I am afraid. For example, 2 Samuel 22:49:
“He delivers me from my enemies. You also lift me up above those who rise
against me; You have delivered me from the violent man.” List scriptures:
_____________________________________________ _____________________________________________ _____________________________________________ _____________________________________________
D. When others try to control or abuse me, I will tell them that their behavior
upsets me. Some things I can say are:

_____________________________________________

_____________________________________________

____________________________________________

E. Daily, I will commit __________________amount of time to Bible
reading and ___________________ amount of time to inspirational reading
to gain spiritual and emotional strength.

F For spiritual support and practical advice, I can call:

_____________________________________________

_____________________________________________



C. Character traits I can work to develop to make me stronger spiritually and emotionally are:

_____________________________________________

_____________________________________________

_____________________________________________

_____________________________________________



G. I can attend workshops and support groups at a women’s crisis center, and I can strengthen my relationships with Christians through Bible study groups
and church. List of groups:

_____________________________________________

_____________________________________________

_____________________________________________

[Abigail4476]

Organizations That Help

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

National Domestic Violence Hotline
(800) 799—SAFE (7233)
Immediate help in English or Spanish twenty-four hours a day. A nationwide database that links individuals and services. There is access to translators in 139 languages. The best bet if you need immediate help is to dial 911, hut if it is not an emergency, phone this number.

The National Coalition against Domestic Violence

P.0. Box 18749
Denver, CO 802 18-0749
(303) 839-1852 M—F 8:00 A.M. to 5 P.M.

Provides the telephone number of the shelter nearest you and will send you an information packet with fact sheets on domestic violence.

Face to Face Program

(800) 842-4546 Call twenty-four hours a day.
The Academy of Facial Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery and the National Coalition against Domestic Violence will provide free reconstructive surgery to domestic-violence victims.

Family Renewal Shelter

Keith Galbraith, director

Barbara Nixon, assistant director
P.O. Box 98318
Tacoma, WA 98498-0318

(253) 475-9010

A Christian-oriented program. They shelter Christian and non-Christian women.

National Resource Center on Domestic Violence

(800) 537-2238

Supplies comprehensive information and resources, as well as pol­icy development and technical assistance to those providing serv­ices to battered women, their children, and other victims of domestic violence.

Center for Prevention of Sexual and Domestic Violence

936 N. 34th St.
Suite 200 Seattle, WA 98103 (206) 634-1903

Visit their Web site (http://www.cpsdv.org (http://www.cpsdv.org/)).

Marie Fortune, director. An interfaith organization that educates and trains clergy and lay leaders to deal with domestic-violence problems.

Connection

A Project of the Spokane Council of Ecumenical Ministries
245 E. 13th Avenue
Spokane, WA 99202
(509) 535-1813

Connection is a newsletter that seeks to communicate insights and to connect groups concerned about clergy families facing divorce, abuse, misconduct, and everyday trials of family living.

Department of Justice Information Center

(800) 421-6770

Provides a copy of the Violence against Women Act, signed into law by President Clinton on September 13, 1994. The Violence against Women Act of 1998 is pending in Congress, and if passed it will reauthorize the act of 1994, and, it is hoped, increase benefits.

Local Organizations

Listed in the white business pages of telephone directories under such titles as YWCA, Hospitals, Women’s Services, Battered Women, Crisis Intervention, Women Helping Women. They can provide information about shelters, support groups, legal aid, court advocacy, job training, housing, day care, and therapy groups for victims and abusers.

CHILD ABUSE

Childhelp, USA

(800) 422-4453 Call twenty-four hours a day.

For victims, offenders, and parents. The hotline offers crisis inter­vention as well as information regarding child abuse, adult sur­vivors of child abuse, parenting, and other related issues. Refers you to similar agencies across North America.

Parents Anonymous National

(909) 621-6184
For parents who feel like hitting their children.

Missing Youth

Operation Lookout, National Center for Missing Youth

(800) 782-SEEK
(800) 782-7335

LEGAL DEFENSE

Call local legal-aid offices listed in telephone directories. Also call women’s crisis agencies for referrals.


LAW
3524 5. Utah Street Arlington, VA 22206 (703) 820-8393

Women (and men) in an abusive relationship in need of legal representation. Assistance is provided regardless of race, nationality, gender, social status, or education level.

National Clearinghouse for the Defense of Battered Women

125 S. Ninth Street
Suite 302
Philadelphia, PA 19107
(215) 351-0010

Gives legal information to women charged with crimes due to self-defense while assaulted.

HELP FOR BATTERERS

Life Skills International

Paul Hegstrom
P.O. Box 31227
Aurora, CO 80041 (303) 340-0598

Headquarters for a network of more than 102 counseling centers, four of which are in London. The educational programs, which apply a Christian perspective, are offered for abusers and victims of abuse (children and women). The director, Paul Hegstrom, is a for­mer batterer, Cost is determined on a sliding scale. Life Skills International may have a therapy group program near your area.



Battered Women’s Justice Project

(800) 903-0111

The Domestic Abuse Intervention Project department provides materials to help those wishing to develop batterers’ programs.

[Abigail4476]

Several caveats to my previous posting:


1. I did not post the text of the scriptures, because I think anyone who is interested should look up the scriptures themselves and read them individually to get the full impact.

2. This study does not address men who are abused. It mainly focuses on abusers or victims within the church. It assumes that it is speaking to Christian men who truly want to change their lives/relationships and Christian women who want to do everything they can to help their husbands change and/or salvage the relationship if at all possible.

Based on research, I will acknowledge that some men are abused. However, and not to detract from the seriousness of that fact, in most cases the damage is not as lethal as it is in the opposing scenario, and it is not as common as the opposing scenario. And even in the case of abuse, in most cases you will not hear of a woman stalking her husband or boyfriend for the purposes of further abuse or homicide. So, while I am not trying to minimize anyone in that situation, that contribution to the over-all scheme of abusive situations is minimal. However, all the scriptures that are against abusive behavior apply to women as well as men, so any woman who falls under this category should heed the Word of God.

When women are offenders, they are more likely to bully their children. In this case, the father should step in as the protector and stop the behavior, and make sure his wife gets the help that is needed, and in some cases, she should be prevented from being with her children. Likewise, if a man is an abuser of his children, but not his wife, the wife still has the responsibility to protect her children.

When both parents are abusers of their children, or abusers of each other, then it becomes the responsibility of the church or community to step in and protect the children.

[Sis]

Excellent study, just excellent. who put this together? I will print it and maybe use it at some time, and I want to give credit.

As I read through it, I have a few comments.....

*Offering the battered woman an alternative to the popularly held view that the only option for an abused woman is to leave forever.In many cases that IS the only alternative. Again, you and I both said, it's up to the abuser, and if they don't want to try, it is the only safe thing to do. Also, most psychologists agree, that during a time of healing it's best if they are apart, and examine themselves away from the pressure of "the problem".

...they can be brutal to animals, seeing them as possessions only, ignoring their pain and suffering.That's how they feel about their wives and children, too. A wife is a possession, owned by him. I know of a case where the woman filed for divorce because the abuser had found someone else, and was living with her in another city, and he called her and wanted to know why she was leaving him, and that he would fight it, and she had no right doing this to him. (yes,as you said, it's all about him)

Use of force in sex
For years, a man forcing his wife like this was considered "family business." A man could rape his wife in the most humiliating ways possible and she had no recourse. It is now (FINALLY) considered rape, and she does have avenues to keep it from happening again. But, if she is afraid, she may put up with it for a long time berfore doing something drastic.

I know of one couple where the man wanted sex right after the abuse. As you may assume, the wife really wasn't in the mood, but he demanded it.

RE: Telephone cards or credit cards for phone calls...
I would suggest you buy a phone card at the store for emergencies. No one will know what numbers you call from it but you. (Maybe this study was authored before the phone cards came out)

RE: Escape plan...
If you DO escape, DON'T GO BACK. At least, not without the police. I know of one woman who went back. She thought it was safe. Her husband had parked his car someplace else, and was lying in wait for her in the house. She ran out of the house and he was choking her on the hood of her friend's car. Her friend was in such shock, she couldn't help.

I. I will tell people who take care of my children which people have permission to pick them up. I will stress that my husband is not permitted to do so.
I know women who have done this at school and the school has told them that they will release the child to the father, even when she showed them a court order to keep him away. They would not cooperate. Also, although the abuser hides his abuse from others, people watching the children may be afraid of the abuser, too.

I know of a case where the abuser went to the home of the daycare worker, held a hunting knife, and rubbed his thumb down the blade and told the daycare person, "I know which route your son takes to and home from school," and he left.

G. If my hysband destroys my copy of the restraining order, I can get another copy from the courthouse located at...
It might be better if you give the original to a trusted friend or family member, and keep on you a photocopy at all times. Make more than one copy and keep in different places, one always in your purse.

Carry a container of mace
It is not legal in all states, and any weapon can be turned against the woman. When in a rage, men are like supermen, and it may not affect them.

RE: moving to a different school district...
Many judges won't allow a woman to move the children without permission from the father. He has to know where they are at all times. Judges DO give visitation to the father at the divorce. Many believe that a claim of abuse and trying to keep the children away from their father is just a ploy to get even. If you take them away before a divorce, you may be in legal trouble. It's best to have an advocate to do this. A lawyer or a shelter to help. Just don't try it alone.

Remember, a woman who has suffered from abuse may NEVER get over some things. Never grab her, especially from behind. If you're a man, don't talk loud or shout at her. It may make her cringe.

She may like her space. Remember the personal space between two people, and honor it. Even if she's married again , (For many people the abuse has happened before she was saved and she has remarried) or back with her spouse, don't touch her, especially men.

[Abigail4476]

Excellent study, just excellent. who put this together? I will print it and maybe use it at some time, and I want to give credit.

As I read through it, I have a few comments.....


In many cases that IS the only alternative. Again, you and I both said, it's up to the abuser, and if they don't want to try, it is the only safe thing to do. Also, most psychologists agree, that during a time of healing it's best if they are apart, and examine themselves away from the pressure of "the problem".


That's how they feel about their wives and children, too. A wife is a possession, owned by him. I know of a case where the woman filed for divorce because the abuser had found someone else, and was living with her in another city, and he called her and wanted to know why she was leaving him, and that he would fight it, and she had no right doing this to him. (yes,as you said, it's all about him)



For years, a man forcing his wife like this was considered "family business." A man could rape his wife in the most humiliating ways possible and she had no recourse. It is now (FINALLY) considered rape, and she does have avenues to keep it from happening again. But, if she is afraid, she may put up with it for a long time berfore doing something drastic.

I know of one couple where the man wanted sex right after the abuse. As you may assume, the wife really wasn't in the mood, but he demanded it.

RE: Telephone cards or credit cards for phone calls...
I would suggest you buy a phone card at the store for emergencies. No one will know what numbers you call from it but you. (Maybe this study was authored before the phone cards came out)

RE: Escape plan...
If you DO escape, DON'T GO BACK. At least, not without the police. I know of one woman who went back. She thought it was safe. Her husband had parked his car someplace else, and was lying in wait for her in the house. She ran out of the house and he was choking her on the hood of her friend's car. Her friend was in such shock, she couldn't help.



I know women who have done this at school and the school has told them that they will release the child to the father, even when she showed them a court order to keep him away. They would not cooperate. Also, although the abuser hides his abuse from others, people watching the children may be afraid of the abuser, too.

I know of a case where the abuser went to the home of the daycare worker, held a hunting knife, and rubbed his thumb down the blade and told the daycare person, "I know which route your son takes to and home from school," and he left.



It might be better if you give the original to a trusted friend or family member, and keep on you a photocopy at all times. Make more than one copy and keep in different places, one always in your purse.



It is not legal in all states, and any weapon can be turned against the woman. When in a rage, men are like supermen, and it may not affect them.

RE: moving to a different school district...

Many judges won't allow a woman to move the children without permission from the father. He has to know where they are at all times. Judges DO give visitation to the father at the divorce. Many believe that a claim of abuse and trying to keep the children away from their father is just a ploy to get even. If you take them away before a divorce, you may be in legal trouble. It's best to have an advocate to do this. A lawyer or a shelter to help. Just don't try it alone.

Remember, a woman who has suffered from abuse may NEVER get over some things. Never grab her, especially from behind. If you're a man, don't talk loud or shout at her. It may make her cringe.

She may like her space. Remember the personal space between two people, and honor it. Even if she's married again , (For many people the abuse has happened before she was saved and she has remarried) or back with her spouse, don't touch her, especially men.
The study was written by P.J. Cooke, of Promiseland, Austin, TX. She was an abuse victim, and presently volunteers at women's shelters in Austin. You may contact her for permission to use the study at pjccjc@yahoo.com.

As far as the relocation goes, in extreme cases shelters & attornies both can help with this, and it is possible to relocate, change identities, etc. with their help. You should never try to relocate without help, because you can get into trouble with local/state authorities. Shelters have great resources for extreme cases of abuse, and in some cases can help a family "disappear" if need be.

Also, I agree with you: In many--or most--cases reconciliation is not possible. And if there is severe abuse, no one should "wait around" to see if changes will be made and endanger their life or their childrens' lives. Separate first and when the changes have been permanently made, then and only then should reconciliation be attempted.

[witness4jesus]

I know what I am going to say is controversial, but
having tried to resolve domestic violence through
the church and through the courts, I have come to
the following conclusions:

The legal system does not help to resolve the abuse
problem. It further alienates the wife and the husband
to the degree where they can never again reconcile.
I am not saying the woman needs to stay in a dangerous
situation. I am saying she needs to get to a safe
environment, and the church community and family
friends should help to resolve the issues.

I am not condoning abuse. I am just saying there
is a better way of dealing with it than the legal system
to which we have become accustomed.

I believe that the decline in gender roles and the reinforcement
of the independence of a woman from her family has contributed
to domestic violence. A good friend [apostolic] once wrote on
dv and his vision is that abuse contributes to adultery in a woman.
I believe that. But I also believe that Christ can heal abusers.

I believe that the church should seek above all to heal the abuser
and the abused and help them to reconcile. It is too easy for us
to give up, and seek divorce.

The church needs to reinforce proper family roles in order to
heal this epidemic. I don't believe a man has the right to abuse
his family. But I do believe when he does, he can be healed
with much love and support.

What is it that causes a man to hurt his own flesh, his wife and
his children? I know its not a new thing, but I believe that the
issues of the 20th century have made it worse.

sis pam

[Sis]

But I also believe that Christ can heal abusers.

I believe that the church should seek above all to heal the abuser
and the abused and help them to reconcile.
But as we've been trying to say, there are very few abusers who are willing to give up the power. They don't WANT the church to interfere. They don't think they need healing. It's all too rare the man who abuses that even really WANTS the help.

And as we have said, the legal help is to keep a woman from getting killed when the man WON'T even try to get help.

[Abigail4476]

I know what I am going to say is controversial, but
having tried to resolve domestic violence through
the church and through the courts, I have come to
the following conclusions:

The legal system does not help to resolve the abuse
problem. It further alienates the wife and the husband
to the degree where they can never again reconcile.
I am not saying the woman needs to stay in a dangerous
situation. I am saying she needs to get to a safe
environment, and the church community and family
friends should help to resolve the issues.

I am not condoning abuse. I am just saying there
is a better way of dealing with it than the legal system
to which we have become accustomed.

I believe that the decline in gender roles and the reinforcement
of the independence of a woman from her family has contributed
to domestic violence. A good friend [apostolic] once wrote on
dv and his vision is that abuse contributes to adultery in a woman.
I believe that. But I also believe that Christ can heal abusers.

I believe that the church should seek above all to heal the abuser
and the abused and help them to reconcile. It is too easy for us
to give up, and seek divorce.

The church needs to reinforce proper family roles in order to
heal this epidemic. I don't believe a man has the right to abuse
his family. But I do believe when he does, he can be healed
with much love and support.

What is it that causes a man to hurt his own flesh, his wife and
his children? I know its not a new thing, but I believe that the
issues of the 20th century have made it worse.

sis pam
Women's shelters are the correct place to go when a woman is severely abused, so that she can be safe while she decides upon the right course of action without interference from the abuser. Laws are in place for the protection of the woman. Healing can take place, but the wife should not have to endure further abuse while the husband attempts to correct his problem. Or vice versa. Likewise, children should not be forced to stay in an abusive situation.

[John Atkinson]

Sis Hall, I am sorry, but no, you may not post it here. I have demanded that nothing of that situation appear on the GNC. FOr reasons I don't want to go into.

Of course you may communicate with anyone via private message, but you may no post the story to the public on this board.

I was afraid that this thread would go there with you and witness. And sure enough it did.

I am not denying you justice, but the GNC is not the place. And will not be the place.

Once again, I am sorry, but I do not wish to have this ministry entangled in what is going on there. We are too far away from all the details, and this needs to be handled locally for you with the local legal authorities and the local ministry.

I am very glad that some of the ladies here have been a help to you and a ministry to you via private message.

Please continue to use that, do not publically post anything about this.

I am serious about this. I am getting close to the point that I am about ready to just ban everyone involved with that situation and walk away from it.

I am getting very tired of repeating myself when I say DO NOT POST IT HERE!

[witness4jesus]

Brother John, I apologize. I want you to know absolutely
that was not my intention in starting this thread, nor was
it to discuss my own personal issues.

Domestic violence is an issue that is rampant today.
My purpose was to look at some of the root problems,
and at biblical solutions. In Western Washington
it is a cottage industry for the legal
system and for other "support groups."

My last comment is that many of the so-called support
groups out there are geared toward separating, not
reconciling the family. I work for a rehabilitation center
and the young women that I see come in there are
very troubled. I see the affect that the system has
had on breaking their marriages in order to foster
their agenda.

Our society is geared toward individualism. Liberals
want to break up the family, redefine it. Most
people spend more time on their jobs than they
do at home.

I'm sorry if I opened this thread up to anything else.

sis pam

[Sis]

I see the affect that the system has
had on breaking their marriages in order to foster
their agenda.
First, I am curious, why do all your posts look like this? Do you hit the return? or do you write it someplace else and paste it here? It's harder to read, believe it or not.

Anywho, as I said again and again, I have also worked with these people, and if the guy wants to change, they will. But statistics show, and psychologists all across the country agree, it's one of the hardest things to change in a man, and usually the abusers don't want to change. So the powers that be, just assume that and go from there.

Your situation is so rare, that you're seeing it from that perspective. I'm seeing it from women I have counseled. And the men don't want to get normal because they THINK they ARE normal. They THINK that all men act this way. And if they don't, they're wimps!

[florahall]

Brother John,

Thank you, I do respect your your rules in your ministry, and that is the reason why I have to ask if I could post it for I know that you dont want me to post it becauase somebody does not like it. In the church the Pastor has to preach the gospel to everybody, the real situation that is happening in our society, the war, politics and everything that will help the people to walk with god. The Pastor will preach either the people will like it or not. In This discussion everybody can post or open a thread, and end up in a very rude discussion, , being carnal, ungodly, unholy you name it is on the attitude of some of the people that post here. You will know it the way they post their thread and how they put down other people and what manners they show to others the way they talk. What ever is in your heart will come out in what you are and what you write. But??? there are also some that they are so good to talk about the bible , but they are false preacher.
This people are allowed to say what they want to say and what they want to talk, but we ladies and victim are not allowed to talk.

I was surprice that the domestic violence thread was open and and I was happy to read it for I know I can contribute some of the real thing not fiction or not lies. Domestic violence is a big issue in our society and is a big issue in our church and there are a lot of victim in our church that we christian or brother and sister in christ has to be aware of issue because there is a lot of them that need help. I am not Just talking about my personal issue in life but I am talking about the national and internatiuonal issue of our society. Domestic violence need to be discuss in church , this is an epidemics that is in our society and people in the chuch are so much affected with it for we are not allowed to talk about it and we are not allowed to go against our fellow brother and sister, or against husband or wife. But who ever follow the rules and tell the truth and follow what the true preacher teach he or she will become the victim and become a losser in the court of law. A lot of apostolic become carnal or ungodly when violence in the family occur, and it is most likely the person that want to follow the rules and follow the commandment or follow what the preacher preach, will lost or defeated. In the court of law who ever accuse you or bring you to court first will win the case. The lies is in the court of law and there are a lot of them that uses it for they know the system and how it works. How can we prevent that to happen in our society? In our church? Are we just going to ignore this problem? Why are we discussing the politics? We want our country to improve and we want some apostolic leader in the high government, and others want to vote to change or to have a good government, but yet, there are issue in our society that we need to do and we need to solve which is the domestic violence and this issue is in our family and it does affect our society and our goverment.
Brother John, I am not insisting to post any of my personal problem, I can post it to other apostolic site, may be it will help others and I can also get help, but i am talking about domestic violence in general not just local but international. This is a topic that need to be discuss for I am sure there are a lot of victim that can be help and the abuser also can get help.

Sister abigail, you have a good post, you have a lot of information that I can add more also to it. I am in the DV treatment program because of the court order, and not becasue I need it or I deserve to be punish of spending a lot of money to pay for the class , but I have to do it or else I will not see my son, but I learn a lot of information and I was able to talk to the ladies that are in the program that they are not suppose to be there. there are a lot in the program that are victim not a perpetuator, but becasue of the law that is wrong, they are in the program. I am happy to be in the program for I learn a lot to help others. I am planning to be a counselor after I finish this program and my goal is to help others in churches. Local and national and International. Domestic Violence need to be teach in church or need to be preach, this is a world wide problem. We need to voice out and help others.

Brother John, Iam sorry, I just want you to know what I feel and how I feel about it. Again I will not post anything that will distroy your ministry and will distroy your relationship to other members becasue you will allow me to post my thread that i want to discuss. It is not about my personal but is a general discussion.


thank you , and God bless everybody.

Sister Flora Hall

[ddc101]

Sister Hall,
Brother Atkinson has nothing personal against you.You are free to discuss domestic violence just not air things between you and your ex.That is Lashon Hara.Please go and read the thread entitled Lashon Hara.Regardless of things that are done to us we have to be a christian in word and deed.That is a trial I know and hard in some circumstances.I have a relative who was done all manner of evil against by her husband who attended the same church.What she manifested was a godly attitude about it.I did not see her SLANDER his name all over the internet or church.In fact when he repented and wanted to go back to church she was the one he called and ask how she felt about it.She said she would never stand in the way of his soul being saved.That my friend is a true christian lady.We cannot hold bitterness in our hearts regardless of domestic violence or any other thing done against us.


Heb 12:14-15
14 Follow peace with all men, and holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord:
15 Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled;
(KJV)

Regardless of the past we have to pick up and go on with God.We need not share it with the brethern but go into a place of private prayer and tell it to Jesus.He is the one who can do something about it.We cannot.I am praying for you.lv sis.c

[Sis]

That my friend is a true christian lady.We cannot hold bitterness in our hearts regardless of domestic violence or any other thing done against us.I have seen that attitude in my church. I was in awe of it. Someone who could be a Christian woman and face the person who had hurt them so badly, and be totally willing to pray for them. I'm still in awe of that spirit. I just hope I can act that Godly if something happens to me and I have to face the person at the altar!

[ddc101]

I know a lady who prays all the time.She is the first one to morning prayer at her church.When her children were small she brought them and layed them on blankets.Their early memories will be of their mother praying in the church every morning.What a blessing she is.Well when she got saved her husband used to drag her around the house by her long hair and beat her up.He was so mean to her.He physically,emotionally and mentally abused her.He absolutely hated the pastor.She finally had been beat up enough and went to her pastor and wife and they drove her to Faith House a secret house for women who are battered.They stayed there.The husband however hid in the bushes after service with a gun and tried to kill the pastor.In fact he even jumped on the hood of the pastors car etc.Finally it all ended in court and she is safe now.But I have witnessed first hand the extremes some people can go to.Its so sad.lv sis.c