View Full Version : For foreverblessed: Boundaries
The Simple Scoop on Boundaries By Henry Cloud
When we wrote Boundaries in 1992, we had no idea what would happen with the book. We were just responding to a need that we perceived in the people we worked with. We had no idea how deeply felt that need actually was. As I was reflecting on what to say in a short article about the essence of boundaries, I returned to that need that we felt 5 years ago. Simply stated, it is this: people have a need to be in control of their own lives, and they have a need to know that God is behind that idea.
This need is fundamental in the creation of mankind, according to the Bible. God created us to be free, and to act responsibly with our freedom. He wanted us to be in control of ourselves, and to have a good existence. He was behind that idea all along. But as we all know, we misused our freedom and as a result, lost it. And the big fruit of this loss of freedom was the loss of self-control. We have felt the results of that ever since in a wide variety of misery. Consider a few of the alternatives to
self-control:
Controlling relationships where people try to control each other
Faith that is practiced out of guilt and drudgery instead of freedom and love
The replacement of love as a motivator with guilt, anger and fear instead
The inability to stop evil in significant relationships and cultures
The inability to gain control of out own behavior and solve problems in our lives
The loss of control to addictive processes
The generational cycle of sin unable to be broken
These are to name a few. So, it is now no wonder why the need for Boundaries was felt so deeply. It talked about something so dear to the heart of God that He says it was one of the motivators for the sacrifice of Christ Himself: “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” (Gal. 5:1) Jesus died to set us free: from sin, from the devil, from the world around us. And that is the essence of what Boundaries teach—freedom. So, with that in mind, let’s look at some of the aspects of freedom that are important.
Freedom and Responsibility
Freedom and responsibility go hand in hand. As it was in the garden of Eden, God’s created order was that we were to be free moral agents, and to operate within the boundaries that He established for us. We wanted to use our freedom in any way that we chose, and as a result, we lost it. Now, God has returned us to freedom, and like in the beginning, we are to use it responsibly, or we become slaves all over again.
So, with the freedom that Christ has given you, you have to be responsible for your life and existence. This means that in all areas of your life, you are accountable.
Here are some of the areas that we think the Bible talks about:
Feelings
Attitudes
Behaviors
Choices
Limits
Talents
Thoughts
Desires
Loves
Values
All of these things lie within the property of your own soul, within your boundaries. And God has given you stewardship over that domain. But, He will also hold you responsible in the end. As Paul and Jesus both tell us, “So then, each of us will give an account of himself to God.” (Romans 14:12) On that day, there will be no blaming it on someone else, no excuses given such as “he made me feel that way,” or “she drove me to it.” It will be just us and Him, and we will be responsible. So, while freedom is a good thing, it has another side to it that is weighty indeed.
Ownership
Ownership is the next aspect of Boundaries. What ownership basically is about is the possession of what God has entrusted to us. Ownership says, “that is mine, and I am responsible for it.” It is what Jesus was calling us to in the commandment to “take the log out of our own eye first.” (Lk. 6:42) So, in order to take responsibility for our lives, we must own what is ours. The list above of feelings, attitudes and the like is the place to look for what we need to take ownership of. If I am angry, for example, then it is my anger and I have to take responsibility for it, not blame it on you. You may have provoked me to it, but the reality is that since it exists in my soul, it is my problem. The behavior is your problem, what I feel and do in response is mine.
The same rule applies to the rest of the list. In order to gain control of our feelings, behaviors, choices and the like, we must first realize that they are ours and no one else’s. They reside in our own souls, so the ownership implies the responsibility.
This is the fuel that gets many people out of life-long victimization. They have an abusive “other” in their lives, and feel miserable most of the time. They feel victimized and powerless to do anything because the other person won’t change. They feel that as long as the other is drinking, or controlling, or mean, that they will feel depressed. But Boundaries teach us that since the feeling is on my property, I have to own it, and once I own it, I can do something about it. But as long as we give that control over to others of our property, then we will be victims of their irresponsibility. Ownership is the beginning of the steps to freedom. It is essentially the same as confession, “to agree with what is true.” All resolution of problems begins with confession.
Control
Ownership then leads to control. If you own a property, then you control it. It is under your domain. No one else, for example, can tell you what wallpaper to hang in your house, if you own it. You control that decision. It is the same for the elements listed above in your own soul. You control, or need to gain control of that entire list: feelings, attitudes, etc. That is what essentially fulfills freedom: regaining control.
This is the big payoff for freedom, and the reason that Boundaries was such good news to people. God is behind the idea of your being in control of your own life! He does not want anyone else controlling you, your feelings, your attitudes, your thoughts, or any other aspect of your life. He wants you in control of yourself so that you can freely submit that life to Him. As a result, you get the life that is in Him, and that is the best life possible. Self-control is the fruit of realizing the freedom that boundaries delineate. As Paul says in Galatians, “self-control” is one of the fruits of the Spirit of God. (Gal. 5:22,23) And, as he says in the end of verse 23, “against such things there is no law.” So, whoever has told you that your life is not under your control must not have read this passage. If someone is trying to manipulate you, or in the Bible’s words—enslave you, through guilt, anger, fear, or the like, then they are out of bounds. They are crossing the boundary that God has established, and crossing a boundary in the Bible’s words is called trespassing. But, and here is the kicker to it all, if you are letting them control you, then you are responsible for that and are trespassing in that way as well.
That is the freedom and the responsibility of boundaries. God has given you freedom, and commanded you to take control of the things that He has entrusted to you. Remember what we learned from Galatians 5:1? “Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” You are the one who must take control of the aspects of your life that we described above and exercise the freedom and responsibility that God has given you. And remember, where He has given you control, He will hold you accountable. That is why there will ultimately be no excuse before Him. Just as He called Joshua to go and possess the land that
He had secured for Israel, He calls you to go and possess the freedom for which Christ has secured for you. And taking control of your life is one of the ways that you begin to realize the freedom that He has for you.
Limiting Evil
One of the other aspects of boundaries that is important is the limiting effect upon evil. Remember, because God does not control people, they are, in a certain way, free to be evil. He does not make them be good. He limits His sovereignty and control in some ways that we do not totally understand. But, even though He allows them to be evil, He limits the effects of their choices. He exercises limits on the effect that their choices will have on Him, His church, the world, etc.
He has also given us this duty, to limit the effect that evil choices that people make can have on life. One of the best examples of that is in Matthew 18:15-18. It is the role of us to take a stand and “bind” evil as it presents itself. Read Psalms 101 for a great description of how David thought about the things that must be bound so that the evil of others would not “cling” to him.
In addition, He wants us to limit the effect that the evil is having on their life as well. He wants us to restore those who get “caught up,” by evil. We are to put boundaries on the cancer that is destroying them and be redemptive in their lives. (Gal. 6:1)
God is about Life. He is about restoring good things. And to do that, evil things must be held in check and transformed. He has given us many tools to perform this function of the salt that seasons the earth:
Truth and Commands
Confrontation
Rebuke
Exhortation
Forgiveness
Group Intervention
Consequences
Discipline
Restoration
Limit Setting
Separation
These are some of the processes that God has told us to do that limit evil and restore life. And, they work. The problem is that we do not exercise our control and responsibility to do these things in our significant relationships, the church, and the world at large. As has been the story since the garden of Eden, the mess is largely of our own making. If we would use our self-control to do these things, then we would not have the messes in various aspects of life in which we find ourselves. We have misused our freedom. But, the good news of boundaries is that you can take control back in your own areas of influence, and begin to limit evil and restore life.
Love
Finally, it is all about love. As Jesus has told us, the two greatest commandments hang on the ultimate reality of Love. And this is the biggest misunderstanding that we find when talking about Boundaries. Many people think that boundaries are about selfishness and are at their root, self-serving. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Boundaries are about freedom, and freedom is always meant to have as it’s ultimate fruit, love. As Paul says, and we would echo to anyone who uses boundaries in a self-serving way,
You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature ; rather, serve one another in love. The entire law is summed up in a single command: "Love your neighbor as yourself." (Gal. 5:13,14)
Boundaries are about God’s restoring freedom to you and me so that we could take control of our lives to be able to love Him and others. Ultimately, that is the fruit of boundaries, to love our freedom, and with purpose.
A Fruit
One final note. All of the above talks about taking control of your life. The elements that we listed above, like feelings, attitudes, choices, etc. must come under your control in order for life to work. But what if you can’t take control of them? What if you are “unable?”
That is the good news of the gospel, that Jesus takes captives and turns them into free people. Remember, the ability to make good choices is a fruit of spiritual growth. (Gal. 5:23) If you are not able to do that now, God will help you. He will work in your life through a process of spiritual growth, and the end result will be more freedom and more self-control. Submit to His process and allow Him to do that.
Grace Truth Time
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Boundaries
Genesis 2:7
And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living being. 8 The LORD God planted a garden eastward in Eden, and there He put the man whom He had formed. 9 And out of the ground the LORD God made every tree grow that is pleasant to the sight and good for food. The tree of life was also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.
The Garden of Eden did not cover the entire earth.
It was a specific area set apart from the rest of the earth by God for Him and man to dwell in together.
I don’t know what the rest of the earth was like, but the Garden of Eden was a place of peace, harmony, and pleasure.
Everything in the Garden of Eden was “very good” _ the trees were pleasant to look at and good for food.
Revelation 2:7
“To him who overcomes I will give to eat from the tree of life, which is in the midst of the Paradise of God.”
The literal meaning of the word “paradise” is “a walled park or garden.”
So we know that the Garden of Eden had clearly delineated boundaries _ set by God Himself.
Apparently there was a gate into the Garden of Eden.
Man was not formed within the Garden of Eden, but was placed there by God after he was formed.
Since man was part of what was called “very good,” we can see that God brought good things through the gate and into the garden.
The purpose of the gate was to allow good things to enter in.
The purpose of the wall was to keep bad things out.
Revelation 21:27 But there shall by no means enter it anything that defiles, or causes an abomination or a lie, but only those who are written in the Lamb's Book of Life.
God does not want anything bad or evil or harmful inside the boundaries of His garden.
Genesis 2:15
Then the LORD God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to tend and keep it.
God gave man specific responsibilities within the garden.
He was to tend and keep the garden.
The word “tend” is the Hebrew word abad _ to work, labor, serve.
The word “keep” is the Hebrew word shamar _ to guard, protect, watch over.
Man’s responsibility was to work and cultivate the fruit-producing trees in the garden and protect them from damage or corruption.
God’s responsibility was to bring forth the fruit of these trees _ righteousness, peace, joy, and ultimately everlasting life.
With God, the ultimate goal is always fruitfulness _ in this case, the fruit of the merger of the created world with the uncreated world, the temporal with the eternal.
The words “tend” and “keep” (work and guard) suggest that a process is taking place.
Many times we want the fruit without the process, but God doesn’t operate that way.
The work of man is cultivating the ground and planting and watering the seed.
1 Corinthians 3:6 I planted, Apollos watered, but God gave the increase. 7 So then neither he who plants is anything, nor he who waters, but God who gives the increase. 8 Now he who plants and he who waters are one, and each one will receive his own reward according to his own labor.
This work must certainly include digging up stones buried beneath the surface of the ground so that the roots of the trees can grow deep.
Matthew 13:3 Then He spoke many things to them in parables, saying: “Behold, a sower went out to sow. 4 “And as he sowed, some seed fell by the wayside; and the birds came and devoured them. 5 “Some fell on stony places, where they did not have much earth; and they immediately sprang up because they had no depth of earth. 6 “But when the sun was up they were scorched, and because they had no root they withered away. 7 “And some fell among thorns, and the thorns sprang up and choked them. 8 “But others fell on good ground and yielded a crop: some a hundredfold, some sixty, some thirty. 9 “He who has ears to hear, let him hear!”
He then must guard or protect the plants until they bring for the desired fruit.
This protecting must have included building walls around the plants with the stones that are dug out of the ground.
Working and watering the soil is the work of purging and purifying the ground of anything that would inhibit optimal growth.
Establishing and constructing boundaries is the work of protecting the garden from any damaging influences that would prevent the trees from coming to fruition.
We see here a picture of man having a designated area within which he is responsible for working and protecting so that the fruit of life can come forth.
This area has clearly designated boundaries and a gate to allow good things in.
But the gate also allows bad things to go out.
Genesis 3:22
Then the LORD God said, “Behold, the man has become like one of Us, to know good and evil. And now, lest he put out his hand and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live forever”; 23 therefore the LORD God sent him out of the garden of Eden to till the ground from which he was taken. 24 So He drove out the man; and He placed cherubim at the east of the garden of Eden, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to guard the way to the tree of life.
Revelation 22:14
Blessed are those who do His commandments, that they may have the right to the tree of life, and may enter through the gates into the city. 15 But outside are dogs and sorcerers and sexually immoral and murderers and idolaters, and whoever loves and practices a lie.
Within the boundaries _ good things in, bad things out.
What we have here now is a portrait showing us the meaning and significance of BOUNDARIES.
Psalms 74:17
You have set all the borders of the earth....
God establishes our boundaries.
He tells us what we are responsible for and what we are not, what we should so ‘no’ to and what we should say ‘yes’ to.
Psalms 147:13
For He has strengthened the bars of your gates; He has blessed your children within you. 14 He makes peace in your borders....
If we learn to accept God’s boundaries for our lives, He will give us peace within.
Isaiah 60:16
You shall know that I, the LORD, am your Savior and your Redeemer, the Mighty One of Jacob. 17 Instead of bronze I will bring gold, instead of iron I will bring silver, instead of wood, bronze, and instead of stones, iron. I will also make your officers peace, and your magistrates righteousness. 18 Violence shall no longer be heard in your land, neither wasting nor destruction within your borders; but you shall call your walls Salvation [yeshuah], and your gates Praise [tehillah].
God is able to replace all our inward weaknesses with His strength.
Zephaniah 2:8
“I have heard the reproach of Moab, and the insults of the people of Ammon, with which they have reproached My people, and made arrogant threats against their borders.”
Sometimes people don’t respect our boundaries.
They trespass our boundaries and harm us.
These are some of the things I want to talk about with you.
God has given each of us a garden to tend and keep.
It’s called our heart.
Matthew 13:18 “Therefore hear the parable of the sower: 19 “When anyone hears the word of the kingdom, and does not understand it, then the wicked one comes and snatches away what was sown in his heart.
Peter calls this the “hidden person of the heart” (1 Peter 3:4).
Paul calls this the “inward man.”
For I delight in the law of God according to the inward man” (Romans 7:22).
Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day” (2 Corinthians 4:16).
We are told that we must be concerned about what we plant within out hearts. We are also told that we must cultivate the ground of our hearts.
Jeremiah 4:3 For thus says the LORD to the men of Judah and Jerusalem: “Break up your fallow ground, and do not sow among thorns. 4 Circumcise yourselves to the LORD, and take away the foreskins of your hearts....”
Hosea 10:12 Sow for yourselves righteousness; reap in mercy; Break up your fallow ground, for it is time to seek the LORD, till He comes and rains righteousness on you.
We are also told that we must stand guard over our hearts. We must protect them from defilement and harm.
Proverbs 4:23 Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life.
The word “keep” is the Hebrew word shamar.
The reason we need to keep or guard our hearts is because it is out of the contents of our hearts that we live out our lives.
If our hearts are right, our words, our actions, our lives will be right.
If our hearts are corrupt or deformed, we won’t be able to do right no matter how hard we might try.
Luke 11:37
And as He spoke, a certain Pharisee asked Him to dine with him. So He went in and sat down to eat. 38 When the Pharisee saw it, he marveled that He had not first washed before dinner. 39 Then the Lord said to him, “Now you Pharisees make the outside of the cup and dish clean, but your inward part is full of greed and wickedness. 40 Foolish ones! Did not He who made the outside make the inside also? 41 But rather give alms of such things as you have; then indeed all things are clean to you.”
Jesus made our inward man and our outward man.
And He wants them both to be clean, that He might be glorified in us.
1 Corinthians 6:20 For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God's.
Now how many of you want to live right in the sight of God?
How many of you continually struggle to live right in spite of your good intentions and best efforts?
How many of you feel as though your life is continually being controlled or manipulated by something other than God?
Circumstances that are out of your control?
The needs or demands of the people around you?
The feeling that you have to be nice to people or they will reject you?
The feeling that you are responsible for other people?
How many of you sometimes cry at the end of the day because you feel so isolated, so helpless, so confused, or so guilty?
We all want to obey God and please Him in all that we do.
And we are promised that if we will live for God with ALL our heart, then He will bless us with righteousness, peace, and joy.
So how do we do this? How do we get to the place of having a fruitful garden?
In order to experience a life of enduring righteousness, peace, and joy, you must enter into a place of intimacy with both God and other people.
This is where it comes from.
You can pretend to have it, but if you are not finding true intimacy with God and man, you just don’t have the real thing.
Where do you find this place of intimacy?
Only one place. Personal relationship.
Intimacy cannot be found apart from a personal relationship with God and personal relationships with other people.
The problem is, many of us have never learned how to build good, close personal relationships.
We try to have relationships on our terms, rather than the terms God has established.
This is why we frequently end up frustrated and depressed.
So the real question is, How do we build good, quality relationships with the people around us and with God?
Let’s first look at some things that don’t work:
1. Trying even harder doesn’t work.
It’s not just the lazy that feel this way. Many active, energetic people struggle with the same feelings of sorrow and pain.
2. Being nice to people out of a fear of rejection doesn’t work.
Many very nice people battle feelings of rejection and isolation. Niceness doesn’t always produce intimacy.
3. Taking responsibility for other people doesn’t work either.
Many people who carry many heavy loads that don’t really belong to them are feeling overwhelmed and crushed, not blessed and lifted up.
Rather than trying harder, trying to be nice to everyone, and trying to carry everybody else’s heavy loads, what we really need is to simply take ownership of our lives.
As we have seen, in the beginning God set man within certain boundaries and assigned him certain responsibilities.
Part of taking ownership over our lives is recognizing what is our job and what is not our job.
If we aren’t sure about that, we aren’t going to be sure about much else.
None of us can do everything.
And those who try to do everything end up doing nothing very well.
What we need to do is simply whatever it is that God has assigned us to do _ no more and no less.
Many of us have taken on problems that God never intended us to carry.
And we wonder why we are so stressed out!
Think of it this way:
I own a certain piece of property and my next-door neighbor owns a certain piece of property.
We are each responsible for maintaining our piece of property.
And we are not responsible for maintaining the property next door.
We are also each free to do as we please with our own property.
But we are not free to do as we please with the property next door.
Our freedom and our responsibilities are limited to within the boundaries of what we own.
Understanding this is essential to taking genuine ownership of our property.
Now it is also important for us to know where our property lines are.
It is the property lines, the boundaries, that define where my property starts and my neighbor’s begins.
It also defines the connection between our two pieces of property _ our relationship.
You see, understanding and recognizing boundaries is an essential part of establishing and building quality relationships.
Now it’s easy to see what could happen if the boundaries were unclear.
I might find myself cutting my neighbor’s grass.
That’s okay if I have freely and deliberately chosen to help my neighbor.
But it’s not okay if I’m doing it because I don’t know where the boundary is.
In other words, if I don’t recognize the boundaries, I can find myself doing many strenuous things that are not my responsibility
The whole time mistakenly thinking that they are my responsibility.
This is not pleasing to God.
Another problem that can come up is, supposing I think that a particular tree is really ugly and needs to be cut down.
The problem is, that tree is in my neighbor’s yard, and I have no legal authority to cut it down.
But if the boundaries are unclear to me, I might believe that the tree is in my yard, under my authority.
I might then go exercise my freedom to cut it down and end up destroying something that wasn’t mine.
God expects me to take care of my trees and to respect the property lines of others so that I don’t damage their trees.
God gave life to both Cain and Abel.
Both men were responsible for the things that pertained to their own lives _ there own property.
Cain was not responsible for Abel and Abel was not responsible for Cain.
When Cain presented the wrong sacrifice to God, it wasn’t Abel’s problem, it was Cain’s.
If Abel had coerced Cain into offering up his sheep, Cain’s sacrifice wouldn’t have been any good because it wasn’t brought freely to God and Abel would have been left empty handed with nothing to offer.
Each man was expected to bear his own burden -- to carry his own responsibilities.
Cain crossed over Abel’s boundaries when he killed him.
He damaged something that did not belong to him.
When God asked, “Where’s your brother, Abel?”
Cain answered, “Am I my brother’s keeper (shamar)?”
Cain was not responsible for Abel’s life, but he was expected to, as far as he was able, guard or protect his brother’s life.
That is, he was responsible for respecting what God had given his neighbor just as he respected what God had given him.
He was to “love his neighbor as he did himself.”
Taking his brother’s life was like you walking next door and taking the front door off your neighbor’s house.
God expects us to recognize and respect our boundaries and the boundaries of those near us.
This is an essential key to living in close relationship with others.
When we have boundary problems, this will adversely effect those we come into contact with.
If I take my neighbor’s front door, I leave him feeling vulnerable and exposed.
I also leave him feeling like he needs to go take someone else’s front door.
Can you see how boundary violations have a way of promoting more boundary violations.
All confusion about personal responsibility and ownership is ultimately a problem of perceiving and respecting our boundaries and the boundaries of others.
If we saw our boundaries clearly, we would know what we are responsible for and what we are not, and what we are free to do and what we are not.
For this reason, we all need to establish clear mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual boundaries in our lives.
Many very sincere and dedicated believers struggle with tremendous confusion about when it is biblically appropriate to set limits.
When they’re confronted with their lack of boundaries, they raise very good questions:
1. Can I set limits and still be a loving person?
2. What are legitimate boundaries?
3. What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries?
4. How do I answer someone who is demanding my time, love, energy, or money?
5. Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting boundaries?
6. How do boundaries relate to submission?
7. Aren’t boundaries selfish?
Many times people use the Bible to support their lack of boundaries.
“Doesn’t God expect me to love everyone?”
“Are I supposed to be nice to people?”
“Doesn’t the Bible teach that Christians should bear one another’s burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ?”
We need to understand what these Christian ideal really mean and how we are to apply them in our daily lives.
Either the Word of God is true or it is not.
If we keep God’s commandments we are promised inward blessing _ righteousness, peace, and joy.
If we are not experiencing these things, but instead are living in a state of depression, anxiety, addiction, guilt, shame, panic, or family turmoil...
Then we need to be willing to admit that we aren’t keeping God’s commandments the way he intended.
And we need to be willing to learn the right ways and begin making whatever changes are necessary.
You’ve got to let the bad stuff inside of you out and bring some good stuff in.
No one can do this for you.
That would be violating your boundaries.
Even Jesus won’t violate your boundaries.
Instead He says, “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me” (Revelation 3:20).
Boundaries
1. What is a boundary?
a. A wall, a limit, a property line.
b. It defines where one things ends and another begins.
c. It defines where two things are joined together.
d. What is within my boundaries is mine and what is not is not mine.
2. Boundaries are not as easy to see in the spiritual realm.
a. We need to see our boundaries as God sees them.
b. God defines who we are as people.
c. There is that which is me and that which is not me.
3. Why do we need to know our God-ordained boundaries?
a. Boundaries define ownership.
b. We need to know what we must own, what we must take control of.
c. We need to know what we are responsible for and what we are not.
What are some things we are responsible for?
4. It is common to see out-of-control people doing their best to control others.
a. The only things God expects us to control is ourselves.
b. We cannot control other people.
i. The exception is parents of young children.
ii. God expects parents to control their children, physically in necessary.
5. The purpose of ministry is not to control others, but to serve them and bless them.
6. The Bible tells us clearly that we are to control ourselves and take responsibility for ourselves.
a. Boundaries are not about being selfish in a spiritual way.
b. They are about taking ownership and responsibility for what is ours.
c. They are about loving other people purposefully.
i. Not just emotionally.
ii. Not haphazardly or arbitrarily.
d. 2 Corinthians 9:7 tells us to give as we purpose in our hearts.
7. We cannot freely choose to purposefully love unless we are self-controlled.
a. We are not to give grudgingly.
i. Under external pressure. “I’ll do it because you haven’t left me a choice.”
b. We are not to give under compulsion.
i. Under internal pressure: “I have to or I’ll be bad.”
8. God expects us to give to legitimate needs if we are able.
a. He does not want us to give to bad things such as irresponsibility or abuse.
b. Irresponsible people will try to steal your life.
c. God expects us to be responsible for our lives.
d. No one took Jesus’ life from Him. He laid it down by His own choice.
9. In the parable of the workers in the field, some thought the pay should be different.
a. The master did not cheat the ones that worked all day by giving the same amount to the ones who worked only an hour.
b. We need to understand this principle. This is mature view of life.
c. God is motivated more by mercy than fairness. He did not give in to the external pressure.
10. Three Developmental Aspects of Boundaries.
a. We must all learn to hear and respect the “no” of others.
i. Adam and Eve didn’t respect God’s boundaries. They didn’t respect His “no.”
b. We must all be able to say “no” when appropriate.
i. Jesus said, “Let your yes be yes and your no be no.”
ii. He told us to love what is good but hate what is evil. We must be able to say “no” to evil.
iii. We are told to guard our hearts. This requires saying “no” so some things.
iv. The word “no” is not a bad word. Don’t teach your children that it is.
c. We must all internalize God’s limits in our lives. This is true holiness.
i. No one starts out life as a self-controlled person.
ii. It is the fruit of having external limits placed in our lives.
iii. Most of us don’t like others setting limits on our desires.
(1) When we get the limits from others, we can over time internalize them.
(2) It will be painful at times.
d. If we are smart, we will willingly place ourselves in situations where we will be appropriately limited by others.
i. Not controlled by others.
ii. Where others will require us to take responsibility for what is ours.
Grace-Truth-Time
Ephesians 4:17
This I say, therefore, and testify in the Lord, that you should no longer walk as the rest of the Gentiles walk, in the futility of their mind, 18 having their understanding darkened, being alienated from the life of God, because of the ignorance that is in them, because of the blindness of their heart; 19 who, being past feeling, have given themselves over to lewdness, to work all uncleanness with greediness.
Divine life is what people need to resolve their many personal, relational, and functional problems.
This is because the root cause of all these problems is alienation from the life of God.
Divine life heals and restores and produces growth.
Nothing else can do this.
At the fall of man, mankind became separated or alienated from the life of God.
Genesis 3:24
So He drove out the man; and He placed cherubim at the east of the garden of Eden, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to guard the way to the tree of life.
For four thousand years mankind was alienated from the life of God.
There was no way back to the Tree of Life.
But a man named Jesus came along and said, “The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly” (John 10:10).
He said, “It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh profits nothing. The words that I speak to you are spirit, and they are life” (John 6:63).
John 1:1-4
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. 2 He was in the beginning with God. 3 All things were made through Him, and without Him nothing was made that was made. 4 In Him was life, and the life was the light of men.
John 1:14
And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we beheld His glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth.
There are two components of the life of God: grace and truth.
And Jesus was overflowing with both of these.
But notice that Jesus didn’t just drop by for a moment.
He dwelled among us. He spent time among us.
The life of God comes into us through grace and truth over time.
John 1:17
For the law was given through Moses, but grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.
In the garden man had a choice between two ways of living: life or the knowledge of good and evil.
The law is focused primarily of issues of good and evil.
Jesus is focused on grace and truth.
Lesson 1. Ingredients of Growth
Luke 13:6-9
He also spoke this parable: "A certain man had a fig tree planted in his vineyard, and he came seeking fruit on it and found none. 7 "Then he said to the keeper of his vineyard, 'Look, for three years I have come seeking fruit on this fig tree and find none. Cut it down; why does it use up the ground?' 8 "But he answered and said to him, 'Sir, let it alone this year also, until I dig around it and fertilize it. 9 'And if it bears fruit, well. But if not, after that you can cut it down.'"
The problem in this story is that death was overpowering and overtaking life.
The tree was dying and was not producing fruit.
Throughout the Bible, life is portrayed as being like taking a walk along a pathway....a pathway that ultimately leads to truth.
Proverbs 4:18
But the path of the just is like the shining sun, that shines ever brighter unto the perfect day.
As we walk through this thing we call life, God wants us to be ever-learning about the meaning and purpose of life.
He wants us to evaluate ourselves, put away the childish things, and grow up into Him in all things.
Unfortunately the Bible says that some are ever learn yet never able to come to the knowledge of the truth.
The parable of the fig tree is a picture of how God works in our lives to bring growth _ to move us along this pathway of life.
1. The story begins with God looking for fruit.
a. There are three areas where we may be experiencing unfruitfulness and may need and infusion of life, to bring healing and growth:
i. The personal area: could be depression, addictions, anxiety, poor character.
ii. The relational area: the inability to get close, to be loving, to experience your individual person hood.
iii. The functional area: the inability to use your giftedness to accomplish tasks.
b. Problems in the personal area will always produce problems in the other two areas.
i. It represents unfruitfulness of individual person hood, as opposed to unfruitfulness in how we relate to others or accomplish tasks.
c. Most of us have some areas where we could be doing better.
2. In the beginning, we were made “in the image of God.”
a. What do we know about God” He is relational and He does things.
b. He is a lover and a worker.
c. His plan is that we would be like Him, that we would live out His image.
d. But because of our separation from His life, we find that we just can’t do it.
3. As we go through life, we all produce a “wake” like a boat moving across the water. We can think of this wake as our fruit.
a. There are two sides of the wake: relational and functional.
b. Are people better off for having known me?
c. Am I using my gifts and talents to accomplish meaningful work?
4. In the Fall, our ability to relate and to work were damaged because of our separation from God, who is the source of our life.
a. Luke 19:10 says that Jesus came “to seek and to save that which was lost.”
b. The word “lost” means damaged, marred, dying.
c. That which is lost is that which is not working the way God intended, whether it be a marital relationship or a performance on the job.
d. He came to cause the unfruitful to bear fruit.
5. When a long time goes by where we are not bearing fruit, where no positive change is taking place, this “failure” can bring about a sense of guilt and condemnation.
a. We know deep down that if we aren’t growing we are dying.
b. Keep in mind that the “bad time” of unfruitfulness does not mean you are not having fun, it means you are not growing.
6. Two responses to unfruitful life are mentioned.
i. “Cut it down”
(1) This is judgment based on the Law.
(2) We are all born under this tendency.
ii. “Leave it alone”
(1) This requires us to recognize Jesus as our Advocate.
(2) We must be released from condemnation for growth to begin
(3) We are only free to grow when we are free from the fear of judgment from God and other people.
(4) This fear keeps us from truth, because we tend to justify ourselves to avoid the feeling of being judged.
(5) What we need to do is confess our faults and repent.
7. The first thing most people feel when confronted with the presence of God is “Cut it down.”
a. How do you deal with your failures?
b. The critical, condemning, response is first for most people.
i. This response is based in anger and results in feelings of condemnation and separation.
c. “Cut it down” is the response of law. “You did it, you’re guilty, you’re finished.”
i. The law judges in an all or nothing fashion.
ii. Failure on one point means you’re guilty of all (James 2:10-11).
iii. The law is perfectionistic. It doesn’t take into account people’s weaknesses and immaturity (like condemning a 6-month old for failing to walk).
iv. Romans 8:3 says that the reason the law didn’t work was because of the weakness of humanity.
d. We are all born under the law.
i. We all have a tendency to either ward off the critical voice of law by blaming others.....
ii. Or be overcome and controlled by it, which brings condemnation, discouragement, and hopelessness.
8. What everyone of us needs is the voice of the Advocate, who says, “Wait, leave it alone.”
i. The first provision of the Advocate is time for growth, time to get better.
ii. This phrase “Leave it alone” is our salvation and our hope.
iii. This second response is a problem-solving response.
iv. As the Advocate, Jesus pushes back the guilt, anger, shame, and condemnation.
v. This enables us to enter a safe place we call forgiveness and salvation.
vi. We are baptized “into” the forgiveness of sins.
vii. In Jesus Christ there is no condemnation.
9. Many people have a relationship with Jesus yet still feel judged and condemned.
a. They know God loves them in their head but it hasn’t made it down into their heart.
b. For this to happen so they can heal and grow, they must experience the other half of Jesus Christ’s advocacy: His body, Jesus with skin on.
c. People must not only trust Jesus, they must trust His people.
d. As the body of Christ, we must provide people with an ongoing experience of the spirit of advocacy.
e. This is how the work of God gets down into their hearts where it can profoundly effect their relationships and task accomplishments.
f. We must show people the same acceptance, forgiveness, and love that Jesus has shown them.
g. We have this opportunity when we confess our faults (lackings, whatever is wrong) to one another so we can be healed, made whole, completed (James 5:16).
Note to the reader —
If you would like to comment on the contents of this paper, please contact the authors via email.
Jim McKinley: Jim@GloriousChurch.com
David Huston: DAHuston@aol.com
Or contact us through our website at
www.GloriousChurch.com.
We welcome and appreciate all honest comments, questions, and criticisms.
All Scripture references in the main text are from the New King James Version of the Bible, copyright 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc., Nashville, TN, unless otherwise indicated. Definitions of Hebrew and Greek words are taken from Strong’s Exhaustive Concordance.
published by
Rosh Pinnah Publications
www.RoshPinnah.com
Rosh Pinnah means “Chief Cornerstone” in Hebrew.
foreverblessed
03-14-2003, 03:49 PM
Thanks Bro. Jim,
Can the book Boundries be purchased at Christian bookstores?
This paper on Boundries was written by you, but who is the book written by? or was it written by you also? I vaguely remember someone talking about a book called Boundries. I am assuming this is the same one.
This is something I really saw myself in, thanks for taking the time to post it.
foreverblessed,
The Boundaries books are written by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. They are usually available on the shelves of many Christian books stores and some general book stores.
Christian Book Distributors (CBD) has a savings package of three boundaries titles; Boundaries, Boundaries in Marriage, and Boundaries with Kids. I suggest you get these three titles to start.
There are workbooks for each title that help put the biblical lessons into action.
There is a video curriculum for Boundaries and Boundaries in Marriage (available through CBD) that is organized to be used as lessons for home church meetings.
God bless,
Jim
foreverblessed
03-14-2003, 05:33 PM
Thanks again Bro. Jim
ddc101
03-14-2003, 09:10 PM
In looking into the Books Boundaries I noticed that they had one called Setting Boundries in Marriage and also Boundries for Kids.
This is a very good topic.thanks Bro.Jim lv sis.c
tufluv
03-15-2003, 12:23 AM
SUCH WONDERFUL SOUL FOOD! THANX, bro. Jim, for that feast!!
I saw in all that my own walk the past few years since coming to this TRUTH, I have actually learned all this stepbystep, gradually, thoroughly, and yet, there's still more! EVERlearning.
Alot of it has been by revelation, and discerning of the WORD of GOD, GOD HIMSELF, has been my teacher, best friend, mentor, ...the list goes on.
What an abundant LIFE comes from allowing the spirit of GOD to guide, teach, show, truly a "walk in the garden", such peace that passeth all understanding.
I sure feel it right now. PRAISE GOD! His love envelops me, and overflows.
Love to all,
Sis Delia
tufluv
04-19-2003, 02:22 AM
Hello Bro. Jim, glad to see you back! Did you finally miss us?:D
BroDane
04-19-2003, 10:25 PM
Bro Jim, Nice post,
Would you consider a hypertext link for your novels?..LOL
My eyes! The scrolllllllllllllllllliinnnnnnnnnnnnnnggg...:eek:
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